Thursday, April 06, 2006

• I know why they're called Pissants...

  Currently Listening Surfer Rosa By Pixies Where is my mind? see related

  'cuz they're pissing me off!!

  For the last month I have had to share my office with some unexpected visitors: ants. It started with just one or two little guys scurrying across the desk. I would say hello and brush it away. That was where I went wrong. I now believe that they (these cold, calculating and adaptable little bastards) actually sent out their cute little decoy and scouting ants to survey the surroundings...see if the natives are friendly so to speak. Just their luck they found the office of a sucker that likes to think every living creature is my friend and deserves a name.

  Last month I walked into the office, hit print and without looking grabbed the document and screamed in horror as I came face to face with the carnage...mushed ants all over the paper. Looking inside the printer I could see thousands of my little "friends" back stroking in the ink well, tanning by the light of the scanner and painting the nursery for their eggs deep within. My printer had been colonized. I had been betrayed like the castaways on  Lost. They are not my friends. None of them are named Henry!!  (This only makes sense if you watched Lost last night and if you didn't watch it you are no friend of mine).

  I lifted the printer and saw a giant pile rushing around and screaming "we've been found out!!" Keep in mind that ants are now crawling up my arms and dropping from the printer. I popped a cap of boric acid on their collective asses. However, if anybody tells you that boric acid is the solution to ant infestations DO NOT BELIEVE THEM! They are full of lies. Boric acid only causes ants to break into a crazed frenzy where they wrestle each other in a no-holds- barred death match. It's sick. You will throw up and that only looks worse on a crazed, white, powdery pile of ants (I suggest Orange Guard- it's non-toxic to humans and non-insect type pets. It is also orange-y fresh). I sprayed a moat of OG around the printer and over a course of a week sweated them out sometimes picking up the printer and shaking it and spraying those that fell out.

  Needless to say that was the week I had nightmares and difficulty sleeping and eating.

  The office has been ant free until Monday when I noticed a strange cloud around the USB drive. More ants. This time they crawled inside through the plug-in. I don't know how many are in there but the USB has an Orange Guard moat around it and for two days ants have been crawling in and out. What could they possibly be doing in there? Maybe they are Argentine ants and are fiesta-ing? Well I left my laptop in the office last night- hello Captain Obvious...they moved in.

  These aren't sweet little sugar ants that have lost their way. No. I have discovered a new species: Conquistador Ants. Well, I found the mother ship (ie, their nest) outside and saturated it with OG. In your face ants!

  Still any sick and twisted satisfaction that I may have gained from winning the War on Ants is over shadowed by the horrors of finding dead ants in my hair and on my clothes and freaking out every time I feel a tickle on my skin.

  My only fear now is that these punks will grow immune and mutate into some giant super ant and  retaliate. Then I'll totally have to quit my job or ask for medical benefits.

  • 2:16 PM
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