Wednesday, June 06, 2007

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  Summer is going well. I promised myself I would let myself be lazy over the summer given all the work that went in to the past semester. After school ended I checked my grades about a week later. I normally give myself some breathing room to prepare myself mentally and emotionally before checking my grades...that's when I feel like I'm just hoping that I passed. I have struggled with consistency in my courses for quite a while. I can blame it on outside factors, but I know that the responsibility is all mine. Despite my struggles, I made it through this past semester relatively fine. I made 5 As, 2 Bs, and one C. I expect the best from myself, and I have a tough time owning up to the expectation, but I did fine. It's a step forward for me. I can improve next semester.
  
  Next semester is now an issue. I had financial troubles getting in school each year, so I ended up missing the signup dates for courses and ultimately ended up not taking a couple of core courses I needed to graduate. It could have been a big letdown for me since I was scheduled to graduate at the end of last semester. However, this past school year, I just didn't feel prepared to go audition for grad school. Once again, it was time to audition for colleges and I was unsure of myself. I decided to return next semester instead of trying summer school. That way I can get more experience with my music lessons before auditioning for grad school and I will be able to feel more prepared.
  
  I forgot to talk about my senior recital. It went well. I made some mistakes, but I kept my cool and did a pretty good job. Performing is very important for me, so I plan on performing more next semester. I feel like I allowed myself to miss out on some important performing opportunities in the past. I was feeling some pressure about my recital, not only to do well, but also b/c it was the only time that my parents and Craig would attend the same performance. I didn't want to have to deal with negativity afterwards. I was glad Craig wanted to come to see me, but I did tell him that I was feeling awkward about my parents being there, as well. After my recital my parents met me and we talked a bit. My mother wanted to take me back to my dorm in the family truck, but I knew Craig was waiting (not far from where we were). I felt so strange having to juggle my two different realities. My parents don't know about Craig or me dating. They told me in their own words that it would be better off that we not discuss my personal life. Anyway, my parents left and I was finally able to sneak away with Craig. I don't like feeling like I have to hide, but I know no other way. The enviornment I've been raised in is one where I have been conditioned to be ashamed of being gay. Even in my mind I know that I should be proud of myself, but pathologically, I realize I am very conflicted. I purchased a book written by a self-proclaimed anti-theist. He's basically a more cynical version of an atheist, but he raises many interesting points. His name is Christopher Hitchens and the book was just released about a month or so ago: god is not great. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ_l3Utr670 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eBmyABeAa4 I'll have to read it when I get back to my dorm next semester. I don't have enough privacy here that I can read a book antithetical to the Bible and feel comfortable. I get tired of being in an enviornment where my opinion is somehow inherently wrong. Anyway, I always look for closure - a way to resolve problems if even only temporarily and I'm struggling with this one. The only realistic idea I have is to finally get a real consistent job and move out from under my parents. I don't want to make them uncomfortable and I don't want to feel like I have to be someone I am not in order for us to have a good relationship. It's a very difficult issue for me.
  
  Anyway, I just finished working on a skating video a few days ago. Like writing, it's therapy for me  http://youtube.com/watch?v=MVOsrh5ve4o There's been alot of good reaction to it so far. One thing I learned after making the Michelle Kwan video to the music of Dusty Springfield is that Dusty struggled with her sexuality, as well. I'm a very eclectic listener, but I really do love the song "What are you doing the rest of your life?". I found a mini-biography of her on youtube and was able to relate a bit with her troubles. She had a beautiful voice. I've been lazy this summer (3 weeks in now), but I did get myself into group therapy. I am much better than I was before b/c of it. I still have some issues to sort out such as social anxiety, guilt, and being able to enjoy myself socially. I have really struggled with being out in public. I feel like others are looking at me, feel alone, and depressed. I have to learn how to handle it. It's something I want to change from. It feels so weird when someone asks me what I like to do and the only things I can think of that I enjoy are things I can do alone. I can't think of things that I can do with others that I would feel comfortable doing. I want to be happy. I'm doing a better job of it now and I still have a ways to go. With belief in myself and seeking help for my problems, I should be fine.
  

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