Sunday, July 13, 2008
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In a Mood for Love
It doesn't happen often. "Rarely," would be precise.
Most of the time, I don't even notice the women around me. At least, not as women. People just blend into the mass of humanity, shadows in gray, only gaining color as I recognize my friends and family, only to wash back into the gray again.
But, once in a long while, I see someone and then I notice her. Whether it's the trace of her hair lying curled upon the collar of her jacket, clasping her friend's arm as she laughs at her jokes, or the way she looks at her coffee thoughtfully before drinking it with her eyes closed. And it's just for a second before she vanishes again and I can't tell whether she was really there or just a figment of my imagination.
I don't remember the last time I really cared. Does it hearken back to the last relationship? Even before?
I miss having that shaky feeling inside when near a woman. Not knowing if I'd be able to say a word or not. Not knowing whether to talk or whether to flee. Feeling as though just being within three feet of her would cause lightning to strike me where I stand. I don't remember the last time I'd had such a moment.
I don't know what's happened to me. Perhaps I've become too arrogant, too confident, or just too picky. But, these days, I just don't see the women I meet.
The rational side of me thinks I'm being an idiot right now. He's berating me for thinking that I'm somehow going to be in proximity to someone one day, whom upon observation, is going to somehow leave an impression on my mind that I won't be able to get out. Do those things really happen? I suppose they do, but it's been so long that perhaps I don't believe in it any more.
And yet, I still feel that longing.
I sort of wish that I had someone that I could randomly drop off flowers for. Yes, flowers. The rational half of me is telling me how pointless flowers are, but the other side of me right now just wants to see her close her eyes, take in the scent and smile, even if it's just in my mind.
Goodness. Do I really think thoughts like these, even if it's so rare?
I don't know what's wrong with me. Other people out there in this world don't seem to have problems finding people to get excited over. My heart must be of stone, unmoved by the tides of passion, beauty, intelligence, kindness and courage.
Of course, I'll probably wake up tomorrow, back to my everday self, again living in a world of color, but seeing only shades of gray. But tonight, I'm in a mood for love, with a woman whom I don't even know, who might not even exist.
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Comments (5)
i think we all go into these feelings once in a while even though we are perfectly happy sometimes we crave a change that over whelms us. i think most people call this a quarter life crisis.
well you could date, it would be fun reading those blogs. *hint* hehe. maybe you can go back to corea for that one girl that you had a blind date with? you seem to like her. ^_^
good luck with it of course.
john, do i need to pray that God gives you a girlfriend?
@HeeWonder - Goodness, no! My mother probably has her entire congregation praying for that. I'm mostly very happy the way I am right now.
So poetic and touching....perhaps I shouldn't have read that through. Such sentiments are the bane of rationality and an excellent source of distraction from the goals I strive for. I live without feeling such a longing, but every now and then it hits, and reading this has almost made me feel that again.
Thank goodness reason wins out eventually. Til that one person comes along, and lightning strikes, that is.
hmmm.