This photograph is more personal than the others I post, because in this case, I was the one looking through the viewfinder, listening to the shutter click. A perfectly preserved memory of summer, my darling baby girl, my sister lying in the grass, patiently letting me arrange her limbs and hair for the sake of a snapshot.

I don't think I can write for a while, as I am going away for a while- Juan Le Pins, Cannes, St Tropez, Zurich and finally a port in Spain I know nothing about. My time is going to be filled with quite fabulous distractions and scial events, and I will be left alone with my thoughts less frequently then now.

I have found this brand of powdered soups- 86 calories each. I am eating two of these a day, and my weight is falling. The doctor wants to carry out more tests on me, so I hope I will be okay.

I apologise for my disjointed writing, but I feel as though I have nothing to say at the moment. I will be back- at the end of summer, or maybe before, but not now. xx

Life cannot be spent eating through a box of pastel coloured macaroons, nor can it be spent getting high in a grotty club where your name has less significance than your breasts. We are taught life is supposed to mean more than this. More than childish frivolity and games of kiss and tell. We are supposed to grow up, but that's easier said than done, when the adults you see are full of hate, debt and all have an allergy to something.

I ramble, I rant; my moods turn like the tide, I run in circles, slowly running into the ground. Things are confusing when you're free. If only this were a child's game, where rules have no meaning, numbers make no sense, and age is simply a promise for never ending Birthday gifts.

Fortunately, the numbers falling downwards on my scales are very real, and equally promising. I have lost eight precious pounds, that I will hopefully never have to face again. Yet I am still a horrible 113. For now I will have to play the dressing up game, and will be wearing an ill- fitting smile- after all, isn't being an adult all about pretend?

Tell me I am not crazy. Tell me things will work in my favour. Tell me I won't be alone. I am feeling a rush of nostalgia for what I had last summer- the man who held me tight in his arms and swept me round and round a crowded room, the joy of having no obligations and a clear path ahead, the boy, B., who told me to hold on tight as we crashed through the waves on his jetski. I can only hope this summer brings the same kind of satisfaction and freedom.

My exams are soon ending, only six more until I am left with this body to change. I joined a new gym, where the membership includes free spa treatments and excercise classes. My appointment with the doctor is on Friday- I will tell you how it went. Truthfully, I love doctors, as they are the pretty strangers full of promises- and I have seen many. I just hope this one can keep his promises.

xoxo