Tuesday, May 13, 2008
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what makes me tick
DEFINE WHO YOU ARE
Here are your parameters:
This DOES NOT mean what you do for a living, or who you are in your family. I don't want you to write about being a Father or Mother or Daughter or Son. In fact, leave your family and your job out of this entirely. I want you to tell us what makes YOU tick. How do you see yourself? Are you talented? Frustrated? Happy? When you think about this definition, think about YOURSELF. What makes you who you are? What dreams do you think about? What does it take to let you feel that you are worthy or good or respected? Who are you? Make this your own. You can write or post pictures or put up your art or poetry, whatever you like! We love seeing it!
http://http://www.xanga.com/Kween_of_the_Queens/654704414/challenge-2008-8.html
This is the challenge...what makes me tick...minus my profession...minus being a mom...minus being a wife...minus being a sister...leave your career and family out of it she said...
but for me there is no way to do that...
I am me...I am a child of the Divine...I am the Goddess...and through that is my calling...I am a nurturer...who demands much...I am love...
I am the person who has known you for six months...but cries at your bedside as I listen to your last breath your last heartbeat...I am the one who tells your children..."its okay that you were here"..."its okay that you weren't"...
I am your child when you have none...I am your mother when you beg for her...
I am the person who listens to you ramble as you were...50 years ago...I listen to your plans for when you grow up...and i am there...I listen to you hunt desperately every evening for your children...why are they not here...are they hurt are they lost...I provide comfort
I am the person who screams at the medic after you have fallen. As you await transport to the ER. Hearing you tell jokes "see I would fall for you"...and the medics nonchalantly transfer you to a stretcher from the floor...saying "he's fine, if anything were broken he would be screaming" They do not know your story. That you served in WWII and Korea. That you were a POW. That you have survived Cancer, and chemo, and radiation, and surgery. That you have extremely high standards as to what it is to be a man...I cry when I find out that you will die from the extremely painful injury you sustained as it threw a clot to your lung during surgery to repair it.
But yes I am more than that...
I am a survivor of childhood sexual, emotional and physical abuse. I am "the child of Chaos"...that fights daily with an ingrained belief that I am beaten and useless and not worthy of love...who tries to atone for the sin of being human and small and helpless...I am the person who still no one knows is hurting and alone...as i smile and move on about my daily routine...
I am a human woman who loves and desires and is afraid to express it.
I am polyamorous but have chosen to be physically monogamous. I am bisexual and emotional relationships blur for me. I struggle daily with definitions of what is love. What is emotional fidelity? Is it the love i feel for my girlfriends? Talking and sharing with them in a way that I don't believe I ever will with a man even my husband? I am not capable of loving only one person at one time...
I am sarcastic and cynical...I am PollyAnna Sunshine...ever optimistic...I reach for the stars but not as far as I could for fear of falling on my face...until I am off chasing the butterfly dream...and forget about my human form...and then there is no fear...only joy in the movement of light and shadow...
I am the person who forgets to care for herself...or hides from herself...in searching for salvation in the care of others...I constantly seek approval and am never satisfied...because I do not meet my own standards...
I dabble at many things...fail at most...but love the attempt...
I am out of touch with my body...I ignore the pain...I am in touch with my body and love the sensations it gives me..the smell of bleach and sunshine in the spring...lemon scented roses...lilacs in full bloom...the call of Mr. Mockingbird pearched on the neighbors roof...screaming his foolish head off, looking for a mate...the feel of earthworms wiggling on my hand...the touch of my daughter as she kisses my forehead and snuggles next to me...the taste of the air as I hang clothing on line...
I am contrast...
I am anger, I am love, I am joy, I am fear, I am peace, I am chaos, I am beauty...I am myself...
I am as impossible to capture as the water sprite I was named for...
and that is the laughing/crying/darkfairykiss
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Comments (13)
one more note...okay two...I did not read other's challenges until i had completed my own...and I have done a lot of personal work in this area because i don't like being defined by "labels"...but there is still some of my "roles" in life in there...why? because the roles that I cannot break from or choose to have are a part of who i am ...and the reason they are part of who I am is that i try to understand how they are a part of me...These are things that I truly identify as PART of the intrinsic whole...If i simply said
I am bisexual, goddess following, nurse, polyamorous, mom, friend, wife, survivor...it would have been a list of labels...I attempted to give a feel...a definition of what those labels meant to me...why have I chosen those roles to be part of my identity...why are they important to me...why are they important enough to me to keep them as part of my definition of self?
For instance...I am a survivor NOT a victim...that is a role i chose...words and how they fit together in my head are extremely important to me...because they are imperfect but how we try to communicate with other beings...I will probably continue to post comments to my own blog...until i can get all the explanations out...LOL
Fantastic! You have a strong sense of self and the entry really touched me.....I'll try to answer this challenge as well.
MiLady,
Welcome to the blog ring, I hope you enjoy the challenges! Please subscribe to the site Kween_of_the_Queens site (follow the link below) so that you are on the list of messages. That way you will know whan I issue new challenges! I'm glad to have you! I enjoyed this entry very much. I too believe that we are all "walking contridictions". I know I am! Very well done! You've been linked and starred~Kween
Wow, this was beautiful. Welcome to the blog ring!
Bravo. I skipped this challenge because I couldn't/wouldn't permit myself to reveal so much me so soon after joining the blog ring. You have done a wonderful job. Thanks for sharing.
This is such a real and raw entry. Thank you so much for sharing with us and welcome to the blogring!
Wow, very interesting. I think you did a good job defining yourself outside your family and work role. Everyone is a contradiction, and it's great to see you embraced that.
This was a hard challenge! I couldn't do it without defining myself by roles. (At least somewhat...)
Great post!
holy cow... so much of what you wrote was like hearing my own self speaking to me.
thanks for subscribing.. i look forward to getting to know you.
shine on
Wow, Beautiful Fay! You did a great job on this challenge! I loved reading this and getting to know you better! You and I really do have a lot in common. Thanks for sharing you with such honesty. I for one am so glad you ARE a survivor!
Hey, I loved talking to you on IM!
Did you get your mowing done?! 
Hugs, C.
RYC: Thanks for the "welcome back". I'm playing Xanga "catch-up" today..or trying to.
I appreciate your utter honesty as well as your integrity. I'm looking forward to reading more about you.
Wow, that was very powerful writing. thanks so much for sharing,
Take care of yourself, too,
Love, Cyn