So here's some movie reviews.
Lessee, saw several movies in the last few days....Knocked Up, Pirates III, and a delightful bit of trash called "Epicenter". In no particular order...
Things I Learned From Epicenter:
1)Any movie starring
Traci Lords in which she keeps her clothes on the whole time isn't worth watching.
2)If the main hook of your movie is about an earthquake in LA, you should not use 50 minutes of your 90 minute running time to get to LA.
3)Major earthquakes in LA are foreshadowed by minor tremors in SF.
4)Earthquakes continue for 5-10 minutes straight, but have no aftershocks.
5)If your company's health insurance doesn't cover radical experimental treatments conducted by hospitals outside the US, that's tantamount to murder and justifies any crimes.
6)Any amount of property damage and loss of life is justifiable in order to bring in a non-violent, easily identified fugitive who has no realistic means of escaping a dragnet around the area.
7)If your brother has just been killed, drown your sorrows in meaningless sex. Then be mean to your partner.
8)Strange old men with parrot puppets on their hands are wonderful people who can be trusted in confined spaces with prepubescent kids.
9)It takes a year of having a cover identity as a stripper who is actually a data security specialist to catch someone whose crime spree began much less than a year ago.
10)If you are in an earthquake ravaged mall which is falling apart around you, the safest place to be is a third-floor coffee shop because that's where you told your Mom you'd meet her before, you know, the whole "Earthquake" thing.
11)Encryption algorithms make all of your data look like bunnies.
12)Files display their contents while they are being transmitted.
So much for "Epicenter". Unfortunately, the other two movies I saw were actually GOOD. Nonetheless, let's see what I can come up with...
Things I Learned From Pirates Of The Caribbean III
1)It is possible to be a pirate and never, you know, actually do any piracy.
2)People who produce goods for trade -- bad. People who pillage said goods and would have no means to survive without the producers they feed off of -- good.
3)One day every ten years is better than nothing.
4)Freebooting anarchist pirates have a written code of laws about the size of the US tax code.
5)Said code of laws is effectively enforced on a group of nine pirate lords, and their body guards, by one man with a single-shot matchlock.
6)Pirates are multicultural.
7)If you capture a woman whom you think is a sea goddess bound in mortal form, make sure you get the right one. Trust me on this.
8)You can turn a ship over by running back and forth along the deck.
9)Pirates move like Jackie Chan in 0-G when fighting.
10)A sufficiently large number of crabs can do anything.
Things I Learned From "Knocked Up".
1)Don't take your Mother to a Judd Apatow movie. Ever.
2)Even in the heat of passion, it is best to clarify what "Just do it already!" means.
3)There are scarier things in a delivery room than in any of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre films. Or all of them combined. Really.
4)Don't take advice on affairs of the heart from a thrice-divorced father.
5)Don't see Cirque du Soleil when stoned on 'shrooms.
6)Do market research before sinking your hopes and dreams into a website.
7)Contrary to anything you may have heard about the real world, having nothing in common but the contribution of DNA to a fetus is a surefire recipe for Twu Wuv.
8)The word "Penis", always funny in general, is extra-funny when spoken by a 10 year old girl.
9)"Naturalistic" dialog means using the F-Word like it was punctuation.
10)The "I don't want painkillers"/"Get me painkillers god damn it!" shtick never gets old.
Comments (1)
"7)If your brother has just been killed, drown your sorrows in meaningless sex. Then be mean to your partner."
You have to wait until you brother dies for this?