Awwww! South Korea thinks they're a real live country that can make real movies! It's so cute!
Dragon Wars, or D-War, is an attempt by SK to break into the big-budget American market. It cost 70 million dollars, starred American "actors", and was filmed in LA. It's almost heartbreaking. It's the movie equivalent of inchoherent scrawl brought to you by a sincere four year old, where you have to try to guess what it is in such a way as to not reveal to the moppet you are guessing. (And by 'you', I mean you, not me. I feed off broken dreams and shattered souls, so I'd tell the little whiner his drawing sucks straight out. Bwahaaha! But anyway...)
I could attempt to describe the plot, but it's non-Euclidean. It's the R'lyeh of scripts. Instead, as usual....
Things I learned from this movie:
1)If you want to take someone alive, just shell the village they're living in.
2)Apparently, the
Trade Federation rented out their armies to 16th century Koreans.
3)Don't name your daughter "Sarah" if you live in LA. Either homicidal robots from the future or homicidal warlords from the past will be after you.
4)Evidently, just about every single person in LA is, in fact, a shapeshifting reincarnated Korean wizard named Jack.
5)Just leave the black guy in the car when the shit comes down. He'll survive and be there to wisecrack in the next scene.
6)If the evil sorcerer can track you from 16th century Korea to 21st century America, odds are, running to Mexico won't help.
7)Things I Will Do If I Am Ever An Evil Korean Sorceror: Take the Magic Amulet Of Ultimate Power OFF my captive BEFORE I tie him up.
8)"Raiders Of The Lost Ark" called. They want their "white light conveniently kills all the mooks near the end of the movie" scene back.
9)If two dragons, one good, one evil, battle in Korea in the 1500s, a dragon scale will appear in a crater in Los Angeles in the 21st century.
10)Also, there is a frickin' massive Korean temple-castle-fortress located just off I-5 between LA and Mexico. Really. You can't miss it. Just look for the 500 foot snake. It's right past the Stuckey's, make a left, and you're there.
(PS: Started watching "House" on DVD. I am enjoying it. My friends seemed to think this was inevitable, quote, "He's you with a medical degree." Lizard wonders if all the teeny-boppers writing gooey
House fanfic have seen Hugh Laurie as the
Prince Regent...)
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