Last night the power connector on my laptop came loose. So, yet again, the whole shibang must be sent to HP for service. I'm in mourning here, dear readers. I'm typing this on my iTouch, with a tiny screen and tiny keyboard. This thing makes me feel like I have paws. I go for the m and hit j, k, and l.

Anyway, bright, happy news, my trikey is complete! I finally rode it yesterday with Tonka in the basket. She seemed to like it. The thing is *huge*. At about seventy pounds, it resembles one of those horse-drawn carriges used by gladiators at the Colleseum.

I'm pretty psyched to ride it to work. The only problem is that all my clients seem to live on top of hills. My legs can't yet pedal seventy pounds up a hill, 100 pounds if I've got the bulldog in the back. Let the training begin!

More on the sudden xanga fame: I've started to get all these creepy messages from really buff guys. My favorite showed up this morning. "hey lotta," it said, "God did overtime on your face."

What's the creepiest line ever used on you? Spare no details!

Due to this whole being featured thing, my lil' ol' site has gotten loads more traffic. 

It ranges from the easy going Xangans who see my point and want to share their similar stories or viewpoints, to the "OMG, ur such a dum ass.  Ur gay." teenyboppers, to the "Look at me!  I'm making a completely unrelated inflammatory statement to cause a ruckus because my parents didn't hug me enough when I was a kid!" people.

I try to take it all with a grain of salt. 

I've been called bitter a lot lately.  Can you believe that?  Me?  Bitter?  (assholes)

So, for the hell of it, I'm going to clarify my Lamewad Shopping List post.  You don't really have to read this.  You can go look at my photos if you want, they're all different.  Click on the Tonka to proceed to my album.

Okay, so, Lamewads...

1.  If you had read my bottled water paragraph slowly or just more carefully, you would see that I advocated bottled water use in three instances:

- Dubya hasn't noticed a that category five hurricane just destroyed your city.  Your water source is utterly polluted.

- Your tap water runs brown.  Like, really brown.  Black, even.

-  Your water well has become infested by leprechauns.  Not the ordinary sort, but the sort who stuff their pockets with rancid meat, hence raising the bacteria in your drinking water to unsafe levels.

If you do not fall under these categories, then I have to tell you, you don't need to add a cubic ton of nonbiodegradable plastic bottles to our already packed landfills.  You can buy a reusable bottle and a Brita filter and be done with the whole matter.

2.  Oh Jesus Christ, the breast cancer crap.  For those of you who don't know, my mother died of breast cancer that was made even more shitty by her systemic lupus.  I STILL DON'T BUY THAT PINK STUFF.  If I have the choice between writing the Komen foundation a check and buying a pink pooper scooper, I'm going to go with the check.  Why?  It took oil, slave wages, and a hell of a lot of transport to create the pooper scooper.  I don't *really* need it.  Komen is only going to get a percentage of what I pay for it.  And even then, I don't trust Komen to do some real good with the money they get from the proceeds.  My mother waited years for a mammogram, you guys.  It was a private foundation that footed the bill, and by then it was really too late.  I never saw the Komen foundation giving free mammograms in the hood.  I did, however, see them throw huge Hollywood galas to "raise awareness" of breast cancer.  I don't like them.  Go on, call me bitter.

3.  Energy Drinks.  So maybe you're in college/working the night shift/afraid of falling sleep due to your constant night terrors in which PeeWee Herman chews the head off your pet parakeet.  You still shouldn't drink these things.  Anything that promises to jolt your body out of its natural cycle is something to be wary of.  And by the way, you don't retain much of what you review during an all-nighter.  Go on, Google it.

4.  As of this writing, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun has overtaken my local well.  I will not speak ill of him, lest he attack me while I'm out jogging.

5.  "Oh but my kids like Chewy Bars!  You're just one of those hippie health nuts that think we should all drink wheat grass and eat recycled cardboard."  I'm really not, if you can believe that.  I'm just making you aware of what's in those little death bars.  They don't deserve their healthy rep at all.

6.  The general consensus was that Sunny D sucks.  The best description of it came from a guy who compared it to "orange juice mixed with baby medicine".  Thank you for your understanding in this matter, Xangans.

7.  "My kids like Lunchables, you bitter old ogre!"  I think this is best answered with a picture:

Does this.  Look nutritious.  To you?

8.  "I don't have time to run to the aisles, I need my gum right away!"  I can understand if you're doing three hits of ecstasy and need to keep from grinding your teeth, but really people, little things add up.  For a few more steps, you can save some money and end up with more gum.  Either way, it's your gum, and your money.

I hope I've made some valuable points in this message.  I'm going to go eat a bowl of recycled cardboard with tap water now.  Thanks, Xanga.

 

 

Remember my tricycle dillema?

The hours spent holding and listening to elevator music just so I could get my bike's missing parts?

Well the parts arrived today.

And the parts were missing parts.

THE PARTS WERE MISSING PARTS.

At this point, I was on my fourth cup of coffee (job training is tedious, caffeine helps), and out for blood.  I called Pacific Cycle and demanded satisfaction.

God, I wish I had recorded this conversation.  My voice kept squeaking up to a shriek, I was so pissed.

-Listen, "Miss Valdez", It's not our fault, it must be Fed-Ex's fault.

--NO!  Fed Ex did not pack the boxes.  Fed Ex did not ship me HALF A BIKE!  It is Pacific Cycle's fault, and if I have to be a pain in ya'll's collective ass for the next six months, I WILL MAKE THE TIME.

I think I'm going to have a coronary over a tricycle.

One thing I have noticed though, is that my Texan accent begins to show whenever I'm upset...It's funny after the fact, I guess.

I'll keep you guys posted on the new developments in the tricycle case.

I need some help here, guys.  I need a "Boycott Pacific Cycle" Banner to stick to the top of my page.  If any of you can make it and explain how to stick it to my page, I would definitely credit you.

And love you forever.