Friday, December 28, 2007

• getting a grip on love

  just letting you know this is all taken from yahoo personals stuff... i thought it was funny and could be a way to constructively gauge how much you or your partner are really willing to give and take in the relationship. i think my boyfriend and i are fairly balanced. feel free to take this exam also. i've taken the liberty of highlighting my own answers with some side comments. enjoy.

   

  So you've fallen in love and the relationship seems to be blossoming. Perhaps you're moving toward a long-term commitment, maybe even marriage? Great! Hooray for love. Hooray for you!

   

  Hold on: Not so fast! I caution you to be sensible as you move toward a committed relationship. It's time to

  determine if you and your partner have a healthy sense of give-and-take. Without it, you face constant battles ahead over who is controlling what and, in the end, who is controlling whom. Minor control issues when you're dating - battles over what movie to see, and who drives to get there -- can grow into major areas of contention as the relationship matures.

   

  Control factors 

  Here is my checklist of 15 ways to gauge the "control factor" in your relationship. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether taking or giving control in any of these areas is comfortable for you. After you take this short quiz, I will share with you the Big Six areas where control issues present themselves, and what your answers to the following questions indicate.

  1. Who picks the restaurant? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (we're pretty good about asking what we're both in the mood for before deciding anything)
  2. Who pours the wine? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (it's almost intinctual for both of us to pour for each other)
  3. Who picks up the tab? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (thankfully we both like to pick up the tab)
  4. Who tells your friends your favorite joke? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (i like to tell jokes because i'm the funny guy... he does the laughing... but that doesn't say i can't take it when he tells a joke)
  5. Who initiates kissing? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (basically we're always kissing and it's hard to tell who started)
  6. Who is the first to apologize after a lover's spat? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (oh there's definitely been a lot of apologizing on both ends)
  7. Who has custody of the remote control device? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (we don't really watch television... we do dvd's though)
  8. Who calls whom? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (frequently call each other on daily basis)
  9. Who leads on the dance floor? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (i'm addicted to dancing, usually i just go up myself)
  10. Who dominates the conversation? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (even when we argue we give each other fair talk time)
  11. Who selects the car radio station? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (we take turns switching through our favorites songs on our phones)
  12. Who chooses meal times? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (we get food whenever we're hungry... which is all the time)
  13. Who makes suggestions to whom on what to wear? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (lately he's been telling me what looks good and how to do my hair)
  14. Who massages whose back? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (i try to give him back massages but he prefers frontal massages)
  15. Who selects the weekend's activities? .... You .... Partner .... Take Turns (usually just fall into activities as our days are never planned)

  What your answers mean

  If most of your answers are "you," you have lots of "take" and not a lot of "give." You may very well hit the wall over control issues later on in the course of your relationship, because your partner may only be able to tolerate your "taking" behavior for a short time.

  Ask yourself if you like being controlled. Some people do, but most don't.

   

  If your answers included "You/Your Partner" much of the time, you are more "give" than "take," and you run the risk of trying to opt for control later on. Ask yourself if you like being controlled. Some people do, but most don't. When dating someone new, many people find it fun when their partner orders for them at a restaurant or selects the weekend activities. But over time, such gestures can make a person feel smothered and controlled.

   

  If your answers point to mostly "take turns," your relationship has a healthy give-and-take and stands a terrific chance of going the distance. In my experience as a divorce attorney, I find that those who are not willing to "take turns" in many areas will continue to battle during the divorce process on a much grander scale.

  The Big Six: What are your control issues?

  The 15 questions above provide telling clues as to how you deal with what I call "The Big Six" -- those areas in a relationship where control issues typically manifest themselves.

  The Big Six are:

  1. Money
  2. Children
  3. Intimacy
  4. Health
  5. Growth (personal and professional)
  6. Fear (physical, emotional and psychological)

  If you're the one who always initiates kissing, eventually you and your partner may get into some clashes in the intimacy department. If you have disagreements or resentments during your dating period over who pays for what, you can expect money to eventually top your Big Six list of control issues.

  If you're the one who's always rubbing your partner's back, look out! When you become sick, you may have to make your own chicken soup. And if you're with someone who always picks the restaurant, weekend activities or the radio station - you're headed for a life with a dominant mate who feels the need to call all the shots.

  Someone who steals the limelight to tell a couple's favorite joke may also be the ambitious type, a partner who will always feel the need to keep achieving, and thus growth may become an issue over time.

  Fear can override any relationship. Those who are compelled to always apologize, whether it is their fault or not, may, in time, wish to be free of the emotional or psychological bondage they're experiencing.

  Before you try to go the distance with your lover, gauge where you stand in the control department on these crucial Big Six issues. Decide what you're willing to give or get -- because if you don't agree early on in your relationship, you may very well have problems once the honeymoon period is over.

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