I remember going on this one particular date. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I would have to admit that I didn’t really give him a chance from the get-go. Maybe it was his presumptuous Gucci suit that was perfectly tailored or maybe it was the fact that my parents had nagged me into going on a date with someone who they thought “fit in with our family’s standards”. *psst. I generally dislike anyone who my parents “really” like* Or maybe it was because he looked too polished, didn’t look as if he would be able to get his hands dirty. Or maybe just maybe it was because I couldn’t get past the insane urge to ruffle up his carefully styled hair…….

The date was going relatively smoothly…nothing to write home to mom about, yet nothing to run screaming for the proverbial hills over. We got to the restaurant safely, which was a God send since he apparently thought this date was his chance at fulfilling his racecar driver calling in life. He tried to impress me by ordering for me….too bad he tried to order me a slab of cow flesh after I specifically told him I wasn’t in the mood for meat. However, being the trooper that I am, I smiled graciously and said, “Thank you!” as sweetly as I could. I figured it would cut down our talk time if I just ate the meat like a champion….

How stupidly naïve of me.

After decidedly tuning him out as he rambled on and on about his merits, I started thinking about other more important things…..the state of our economy, the new Angels jersey that I had just purchased and planned on sleeping in that night….I even thought about the new chandelier that I had just purchased for my room and planned on installing….how much would the electrician charge?....hmmm……

Then suddenly something punctured my self-induced bored haze. I faintly heard the words…..

“You know, M. You really have no content…no substance.”

If I was a hen, my feathers would have been fluffed to the max. Oh, hell no this little biyatch boy did not just say that to me! In any case, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and so I asked him….

M: “Oh really, J? And what makes you say that?”

J: “Oh I don’t mean it in a bad way. I know that you’re a very intelligent person but I just don’t think that you are a big THINKER like me. I mean I read Murakami for God’s sake and I like going to art exhibits. You just seem the type that is obsessed with work and your personal goals whereas I actually try to go out and evolve myself.”

M: *looks out the window to avoid slitting his jugular with her butter knife* “Is that right?….”

J: *laughs indulgently* “Yes, but I really don’t mind. I think you and I work very well together. You’re parents were right….we really do balance well.”

M: *smiles sweetly* “That’s…..nice.”

We finished dinner, I declined his offer of going to a local coffeeshop by feigning sleepiness and a pseudo “early morning”.  He dropped me off. I even let him kiss my cheek.

I know that the biggest question that you all are wondering is how come I didn’t throw a bitch fit and call him out regarding all the insults that he directed at me. The simple answer is…..

If it were maybe 3-4 years ago, I think I would have given him the set down of a lifetime. However, I’m older now and a little bit wiser and I’ve realized that no matter how great you are or how much you try to improve yourself, there is always someone who is going to be right there, waiting to put you down or insult you in some way. J, naïve little bitch that he is, actually didn’t say those things out of malice. He just really felt as if he could make those assumptions about me, purely out of what my parents told him about me and what little I had said to him throughout the night. Sure, I could have tried to prove him wrong….but…..

why?

He wasn’t someone that I truly wanted in my life and therefore the time it would take to try to persuade him that I did have content and substance would be wasted. And we all know, my lovelies, that……

Time is money.

Those who still dwell in SingleLand are either trying to find the map to AttachedLand or trying their damndest to get as far away from it as they can. However, it is my fervent belief that no one wants to grow old and grey without the love of their life by their side. We all dream about finding that person who we can fall madly in love with, trip on our feet over, and most importantly that person that makes our eyes twinkle and our heart dance that crazy, unpatterned dance. Whether we experience this desire in our twenties or in our fifties, we nevertheless WILL feel it inevitably.

Everybody eventually wants a relationship that will make their life brighter and more full of love. We all want to meet and be with that special someone that we can call our own. That being said, I must admit that although it would be great to meet that special “someone”, it is also rather scary. Why? Well as with most things, the gift of a good relationship also comes back with some setbacks. For instance, the fact that…..

“Relationships have the capability to make you feel as if you could conquer the world and the ability to make you feel as if the world has conquered you.” –m

We’ve all gone through it. You have a fight with your significant other and you find yourself having to literally drag yourself through your day and every second feels like an hour and every hour seems like a day. Or you encounter a problem with your relationship and it plagues you day and night. You find yourself wondering why you should continue living, much less shower, now that you and your love have gotten into a tiff.  Everything and anything that used to bring you joy seems to never have existed….nothing exists except you and that special someone…..

There are some [ignorant] people out there who will state that relationships are supposed to be easy. They’ll preach endlessly about how it’s always so easy for them to maintain their relationship. Before you give them a swift kick to their didactic behinds, please understand that they are being radically idealistic and what they should actually state is that:

“Relationships on the basest level are easy. It shouldn’t be hard to get along with your significant other in the beginning stages. However, once outside factors that are not within your control become part of the relationship (ie. kids, relatives, money problems, etc.) it is no longer the people involved who are making the relationship hard, but rather life itself.” -m

The sobering thought, however, is that we have a tough battle ahead of us. Never mind the stats stating that over 50% of marriages will end in divorce or that the average life span of live-in relationships is 3 years…..no I’m talking about the sobering fact that…..

“Every issue, belief, attitude or assumption could potentially be the issue, belief, attitude or assumption that stands between you and your relationship with another human being.” –m

That’s right…..it’s not enough that we have to comb every divey bar and attend every boring church function in hopes of finding the “right one”…..oh no…..once we miraculously find the “right one” we actually have to find a way to actually get along with him/her for the majority of the time…….

• remember how you thought your habit of eating chips in your office wasn't such a big deal?  Think again. 
• or how you thought it wasn't that annoying when you sang in the shower....off-tune?  Yea.....you might still be able to do that.....when you're home.....ALONE. 
• remember how you thought you never would have to call in and check in if you were only going to be five minutes late?  You'll rethink that thought when you find your ass sleeping on a cold, hard couch. 
• or what about how you used to think "fine" meant "ok".....you'll regret not asking her if she meant she was "fine fine" or just "fine" (the latter meaning she isn't really "fine")

No matter what anyone says....to maintain a relationship, compromise is necessary....crucial even.  And change, no matter how small, is inevitable.  Why?  Because it's no longer just about you....you now have to worry about another person's well-being, happiness, etc.  So the question is.....

Are you ready for all that a relationship entails?

As for me.....I think I'm good for now.....

*lazily relaxes in SingleLand *

Remember that girl who always said no when you asked for a little whoopty doo dahh?  My advice to you is to time your attack more wisely.  Usually one week before a women starts her menstruation cycle, she begins to experience a higher libido......

Nah mean? 

So do the math and maybe just maybe you'll get a little whoopty doo dah.

Sample Conversation:

Guy: "Can we sleep together?"
Girl: "No, douche bag."
Guy: "Are you sure?"
Girl: *pauses* "Ask me again 1 week before I begin to shed my uterine lining."

We all have our slutty tendencies.