Wednesday, May 14, 2008

• Who the Hell Do I Think I Am, Anyway?!

  Kween of the Queens - Challenge 2008-8 

  (click the above link to read others' entries or to join the blog ring)

  DEFINE WHO YOU ARE

  Here are your parameters:

  This DOES NOT mean what you do for a living, or who you are in your family.  I don't want you to write about being a Father or Mother or Daughter or Son.  In fact, leave your family and your job out of this entirely.  I want you to tell us what makes YOU tick.  How do you see yourself?  Are you talented?  Frustrated?  Happy?  When you think about this definition, think about YOURSELF.  What makes you who you are?  What dreams do you think about?  What does it take to let you feel that you are worthy or good or respected?  Who are you?  Make this your own.  You can write or post pictures or put up your art or poetry, whatever you like!  We love seeing it!

   

  "All I can do is be me, whoever that is" - Bob Dylan

  Hmmm... I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about this. Does anyone really know who they are? Seriously.

  Over the last few years of my life, I have found out a lot of things about myself. For example, I found out that I am sometimes too nice... I have let people take advantage of me (too many times). But I am also learning how to stick up for myself and how not to be a doormat.

  How do I see myself? I'm not even sure how to answer that question. I see a woman who has had some real struggles in life - most of which were self-imposed, at least partially. I guess I am one of those people who has to learn the hard way.  Until this moment, I never would've thought that about myself. But as I look back, I have to say its true... at least in the romantic relationship department. I've always considered myself to be a fairly intelligent person. I try very hard to be a good friend - someone who listens, is supportive without being judgemental. I also try very hard to only give advice when its asked for. I strive every day to treat people the way I'd like to be treated. And, for the most part, it has served me well.

  Am I talented? Hmmm... I can be. I don't think of myself as being a savant in anything. But I have been known to impress a few people now and then.  

  Am I frustrated? Happy? Right now, I am DEFINITELY more happy than I have ever been. I have found my perfect match - a partner in every sense of the word. Ever since we discovered each other a little over a year ago, I have felt more like myself than I have in a very long time... maybe even ever. It absolutely amazes me.

  What makes me who I am? Now this is a tough one. It is stated in the beginning of the challenge that I'm not supposed to include my family role or my job in this. But to leave them out would mean not giving a complete definition of who I am. My girls are a HUGE part of me. They are literally pieces of me out roaming the world. I have learned so much about life and about myself through them. They have made me stronger, more patient, smarter, and more of a fighter than I ever thought was possible.

  And working with small children teaches me more about who I am and how I fit in the universe every single day. It is truly amazing. If you haven't looked at yourself or the world through the eyes of a 3 year old recently, you should. Perspective is everything.

  What dreams do I think about? Right now, I think about growing old with the man I love. I think about my children becoming adults and making their mark on the world. I think about seeing the world some day - at least parts of it. I think about finding a way to continue my education and then sharing my knowledge with other people like me. And one of my life-long dreams is to become a published author of children's books.

  What does it take for me to feel worthy or good or respected? Wow. Now that's a question. Having someone really listen to what I have to say - even if they don't agree with me. Being a priority to someone. I don't have to be number one all the time... but I need to be on the list. Not being expected to "become" something for someone. Take me for who I am - whoever or whatever that is. And, who doesn't like to get a "great job!" or a "Thank you" once in a while?

  So, who am I? The world may never know... completely. But I continue to find pieces to this puzzle. And so far, I am pretty pleased.

  Ok. So that would have been a great ending. But as I was writing this, a poem I wrote a few years ago kept popping into my head. So, I think I have to share. Bear with me...

  Not Who I Expected

  Who I am today

  Is not who I expected -

  Not at all what I thought

  My life would be like

  As I daydreamed about

  What roads I'd be taking

  Throughout adolescence,

  Contemplating my fate.

  If I had forseen

  All the pain and the heartache,

  All the struggle and darkness

  Just waiting for me

  Would I have continued

  On this path I have chosen?

  Would I have endured

  What fate's given me?

  Or would I have surrendered,

  Succumbing to darkness,

  Relinquishing life

  For eternity's peace?

  I'd like to think not -

  Rather, I would continue

  To strive and to struggle

  And to one day succeed.

  I have so far defeated

  All of life's demons

  And am somehow still standing

  In spite of it all.

  And now I am shouting,

  Though battered and weary,

  A challenge to this life

  To keep testing me.

  Who I am today

  Is not who I expected -

  But with no regrets,

  I continue to be.

  ~A.S. (2003)

  • 8:47 AM
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