Thursday, June 05, 2008
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Good parenting 101 from one who is a failure at it and everything else.
Something that really baffles me is this: I have seen my children displaying poor behavior at times and it seemed that no matter how hard I tried, through discipline, spankings, scolding, etc. that they have continued to do it. Suddenly it dawned on me that their poor behavior was simply what I had taught them. For example, something that I see occurring often is this:
Oldest child is out with younger siblings...younger siblings start to do something inappropriate (like strip and roll in the mud or something...not like I would know anything about this sort of thing???
), older sibling KNOWS that younger siblings are doing something inappropriate so she has the choice to: a) join in and get in trouble for "not setting a better example" b.) ignore them and later get in trouble for "not stopping them" (as if, being only a couple years older she even has the ability to do that) or c.) tattle and get called a tattler and "mean" for "wanting" her siblings to get in trouble. The result of all of this is that the older children, though they love their siblings, come to resent them and take it out on them (since they usually can't tell their parents how they feel).This is just one of the MANY examples of some of the horrible things that can happen to children, especially when the parents have had children BEFORE dealing with their own CRAP and why I truly admire people who try to work on their marriage before having kids, as well as people who are smart enought to work our most of their issues before getting married. I would think that if a parent truly loved their child they would want to be the best possible example and would be humble enough to truly look themselves in the mirror and see the person who they truly are. I have the utmost respect for every woman who keeps her child/children alive everyday and I know how much emotional energy it takes just to do even that. I also know how delightful it can be when one has enough "balls" (excuse my language) to stand up for herself and take charge of her own life.
That's all I have to say about this for now...and in case you can't tell, I know that I am nothing. I am something because I am nothing...I am something ONLY because of the One who thinks I am worth something.
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Comments (5)
Well, you're not a failure at parenting or anything else. There's no such thing as a perfect parent anyway, and everybody has crap (and sin in their lives,) no matter how much they have worked on it before getting married or having children. Life's always throwing you something new to keep you on your toes. What you are writing about, though, made me think of something I read on the homeschool forums earlier today, IN response to problems someone is having with their daughter:
HAS she learned patterns of reaction/handling things from you and your dh? You do have to ask yourself that as a parent. I know dh and I had to talk to our oldest about an issue just the other day. And to our frustration, we know EXACTLY where he learned the behavior/reaction we were addressing. Oops! How frustrating as a parent, but it has helped a great deal here to sit down and say, "I realize you have seen me responding in this way over the years, and it is not right. I have sinned. I struggle in this area also and I see that my struggle has also affected you. Can we commit to working on this together?" It's not all bad to have your dc as an accountability partner in some areas. In some ways it creates a real bond. But yes - we do have to accept responsibility for our own struggles and shortcomings and we have to be honest with our dc and ourselves about it. God already knows - but of course we still have to admit it to Him too. And of course it's important to discuss with said child the respectful way to discuss such things.
I totally agree with you. I really shouldn't have written this but will attribute it to one too many margaritas. My frusteration last night was stemming from having thought about what has brought me to this place that I am right now. I don't think I would have dealt with a lot of the issues that I'm having to face now if I hadn't seen how things were affecting my kids and it makes me angry and certain persons who I will leave unnamed who I see coming down SO hard on their "child" while continuing in the very behavior which they criticize him for. I noticed this situation with Addie because for the longest time I would beat myself up and try so hard to do better but nothing was changing and then it hit me that I wasn't handling these situations well because I was so emotionally drained all the time and have no energy left over to deal with it when the kids misbehave....
powerfully stated.
g~
Mandy- there's being humble, and then there's negative self-talk- and I think you should be very careful not to confuse the two. It's fine to admit we are sinners, admit our failures, and admit we are nothing without God. But, I don't want you to condemn yourself ("someone who is a failure at it and everything else")- be careful about that kind of thought process.
What you said is very true about parenting, especially motherhood- is it mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting being a mommy- and I only have 2 kids!! I can't imagine doing it for 5 little ones, staying home full time, plus adding difficult marriage issues on top of it all. You are tired and discouraged- I will pray for you to be renewed and refreshed. Hugs to you.
I hear ya.
@southkona2 - Took the words right out of my mouth.