Monday, July 30, 2007

• BARRY

  Currently Listening Hot Fuss By The Killers see related

  Barry Bonds is on the cusp of breaking the all-time home run record in baseball.  Being that this is arguably the most glorious record in all of sports, and being that I am a somewhat avid sports enthusiast, I suppose I should make some sort of commentary about it.

  It’s inevitable that Barry Bonds will break Hank Aaron’s home run record, and the majority of sports fans are highly upset about it.  For the past seven years, Bonds has been surrounded by a cloud of speculation concerning steroids.  Despite the fact that Barry Bonds has never tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs, and he has confessed to never have knowingly taken steroids, it doesn’t take a genius to see that he juiced himself.  When he first entered the big leagues back in the 1980s, he was a scrawny, 180 lbs. man.  Sometime in the late 1990s when he was in his late 30s, he turned into a freaking monster.  His shoe size increased by 2 sizes and his head size increased by 3 sizes during this time period.  That stuff just doesn’t happen naturally to an athlete who should be past his prime.  If this happened to Barry Bonds naturally, then he is truly a genetic marvel because he would be the only person in the history of the world to have aged backwards (except for Dick Clark, I guess).

  Because of Bonds’s alleged steroid and performance-enhancing drug use, many sports fans are discounting his home run count.  People have called him a cheater, a liar, a phony, and an all-around asshole.  People are calling for an asterisk to be put next to Barry Bonds’s name in the record books, indicating that Bonds’s record was achieved under special circumstances. 

  I don’t understand these people, and I wish these morons would just shut the hell up.  Baseball is one of the most crooked sports in the world, and it was crooked long before the steroid era.  Pitchers are occasionally caught with pine tar in the gloves, and every now and then a batter will be caught for using a corked bat.  Some of the greatest pitching records in Major League Baseball were set during the so-called “dead-ball era”, when pitchers frequently employed the “spitball”.  However, there is no asterisk next to the names of Cy Young or Walter Johnson.

  I wish people would stop trying to protect the sanctity of baseball because there is nothing sacred about baseball.  Sports fanatics act as if baseball owes them something, and people act as if they have some sort of entitlement to an honest game.  However, if they were real sports fans, then they would realize the truth and accept baseball for what it is:  It’s all part of the tradition of baseball to cheat.  Baseball doesn’t owe us anything, so just sit back and enjoy this historic event.  Barry Bonds will break the record and the record will be valid whether we like it or not.

   As a lifelong Dodgers fan, and being that Barry plays for the dreaded San Francisco Giants, it is my duty to boo the shit out of him.  When Bonds takes his campaign into Dodger Stadium this week, it will be a brilliant spectacle of boos, heckles, and tasteless harassment, and I will love every minute of it.  I hope he does break the record at Dodger Stadium, and I hope the ball gets thrown back into the park and I hope he gets Dodger Dogs thrown at him.  But I won’t boo him because he’s a cheater; I’ll boo him because I’ve boo him my whole life.

  Unlike other sports fans and pundits, I hate him for real reasons.

  • 11:47 AM
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