Wednesday, August 08, 2007

• A NEW DAY

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  Every morning before I go to work I stop by Romancing theBean, the uber-cool yuppie coffee house downstairs from my apartment building.  Two weeks ago when I was buying my coffee Ilooked in my wallet and realized that I was all out of cash.  I dug around my wallet to look for one of myseldom-used credit cards, and when I pulled it out an expired condom fell out and onto the counter.  The cashier lady giggled a bit and said, “Awesome,” and I said, “Yes, that was a pretty awesome thing to happen.”  I paid for my coffee, put the expired condom back in my wallet, grabbed my cup of Joe, and drove to work.  The rest of the day was unremarkable.  Although the expired condom event was pretty awesome, it really wasn’t anything remarkable.  I remember this day because I woke up with a great feeling, and I don’t know why.  I saw the world in a new light.

  Sometime in the past two weeks, I came to the realization that there is probably not a woman on the face of this Earth who can ever truly fall in love with me.  It is almost impossible for a woman to ever fall in love with me because she needs to appreciate me first, and I don’t think there is a woman who is capable of doing even that.   Now, I don’t think that I’m a difficult person to appreciate.  After all, I am a “nice guy”, and 100% of the people who know me can attest to that statement.  I’m friendly, kind, generous, and pleasant; I’m not rude, harsh, abrasive, or mean-spirited. However, I don’t want women to appreciate me for that kind of stuff because all that stuff is too easy.  Honestly,it’s pretty damn easy to not be an asshole.

  However, there are qualities about myself that I think kind of stand out.  (EGO ALERT)  I think I’m kind of clever, creative, and witty.   I think I’m a pretty fucking hilarious dude.  I think I’m kind of successful and ambitious.  (Meh.)  But most importantly, I think I’m somewhat of an intelligent person and critical thinker.   I have a point of view and explanation for everything, and, as I told my friend Slappy the other day, I want nothing more in my life than to figure out the mystery of the Universe (!).  That is the one thing I want more than anything in my life, that’s the one thing I’m most passionate about, and that’s the one thing that I would want any woman to appreciate about me.

  The problem is that to appreciate this quality about me, itt akes patience, thoughtfulness, heart, and effort, and those are things that women, for the most part, don’t have.  As a 30-year old single man, I’ve been expected to date women who are around my age.  But, I’ve realized that something happens to women at around 28 years old that just causes them to go completely berserk.  Women over 28 are not looking for boyfriends anymore.  They’re no longer looking for people to have fun with or new people to talk to.  Women over 28 are no longer looking for nice or intelligent guys.  They’re no longer looking for someone who can hold a decent conversation.  They’re no longer looking for someone who can take them to Mammoth every winter or someone who can show them the nightlife on the Westside.  Rather, women over 28 are all looking for husbands and fathers for their future children.  They feel that they need to get married and have children STAT, and this kind of mentality makes women over 28 kind of insane.   No matter what they say, women over 28 are only looking for sperm and someone who will stand next to them in the picture for the annual Christmas card. I don’t know what happens to women when they turn 28 that makes them go bonkers, but they’re all looking to get hitched and knocked up ASAP, and many of them end up “falling in love” with the first sucker they meet after they turn 28.  Why do you think so many people get married by the time they’re 30?  Is it because of love or is it because of desperation?  Sadly, their desperation to get married makes them oblivious to the things that are important to having a real, loving relationship (such as love, respect, honor, and a “normal guy”).  I really don’t need any of that, and that’s why I will never date a woman older than 28 years old anymore.  I want someone to appreciate me for who I am, and that takes time.  I don’t want someone to “fall in love” with me just because I am 30 and have sperm.

  I suppose it isn’t fair that women have a biological time clock, and that they can only bear children up to a certain age.  I mean, I can have children when I’m 80 years old, and that hardly seems fair.  (The more I think about it, it seems kind of ideal to have children later in life when I’m retired.  I mean, I’m too busy with work and having a social life nowadays, so why not have kids when I’m rich and retired and have nothing else to do?) I suppose that has a lot to do with women’s desperation and lowself-esteem after hitting 28.  Also, I suppose we still live in an old-fashioned society where an older, single woman with no children is considered an “old maid”. That’s really not fair, too.  It is true that society unjustifiably puts more pressure on women than men to get married and have children.  A lot of things have contributed to women’s social status, and I’ll admit that men have a lot to do with it.  Men, Christianity, tradition,government, religion, and women’s indifference have all oppressed women throughout history.  But at the end of the day, IT’S NOT MY PROBLEM.   Sure, it’s “my problem” in a way because I have a sense of stewardship to my society, but what the hell am I supposed to do?  I’m not misogynistic.  I don’t hate women.  I’m nice to them.  I have good manners around them.  I support a woman’s right to choose.  I support women’s suffrage.  I plan to vote for Hilary Clinton on the sole basis that she is a woman (allegedly).  I’ve even gone on record and said that female is the superior gender and that God is a woman.  But, as a man, what more can I do?  I highly doubt that me dating cougars will make any significant impact in the pro-women movement.  (If women really wanted to stop their oppression, then they should stop doing what is expected of them.  They should stop being so desperate after hitting 28 and realize that getting married and having babies aren’t really all that important.)

  From now on I’m only going to date women 26 and younger.   Women 26 and under aren’t insane like older women.  Their judgment isn’t clouded by the idea that they need to have babies or get married immediately.  They’re more care-free and open-minded.  They’re more willing to listen to what you have to say and learn new things.  They’re more likely to laugh at all my jokes.  And most importantly, they have all the time in the world to appreciate a person like me (and vice-versa).  Women 26 and younger don’t know what the hell they want in a guy, which is great because with me, women don’t know what they’re going to get.  I understand that not all women fall into these general categories, but because of the biological time clock, a woman older than 28 is more likely to be insane than a woman younger than 28.  I have to go with the odds.

  Up until a few weeks ago I was a moping, depressed loser who cursed the world because of a failed relationship that ended two years ago.  I am lucky to have truly fallen in love with Sarah and to have experienced what that was like.  I still love her, but I will likely never see her again.  And I don’t care anymore.  Furthermore, I don’t care if I ever experience that feeling again with another person.  I’m don’t want to get married because I’m 30,and I’m not going to get married because I’m 30.  I’ve realized that the Universe doesn’t owe me (or anyone) a great romance.  I don’t think that highly of myself.

  I have the rest of my life to fall in love again.  There’s no expiration date on my condom.

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