Tuesday, September 18, 2007

• THE PRODIGAL SUN

  Currently Listening Party All the Time By Eddie Murphy see related

  As I am typing this right now, my favorite song is “Magic” by Colbie Caillat, and (as with all of my other “favorites”) I don’t know why.  I suppose this song is (as my friend Julie would say) “right up my alley” because it (a) is sung by a hot chick, (b) has an acoustic-guitar/folk/indie sound to it, and (c) is kind of sappy.  However, as a music lover who is known for furiously analyzing song lyrics, I am confused as to why I am attracted to this song.  I’ve been listening to this song for the past 30 minutes and I still don’t know what the lyrics are or what the song is about.  I’m fairly certain that it’s a ballad of some kind, but the lyrics seem to be insignificant and forgettable to me.   It’s possible that Colbie may have felt that the lyrics were forgettable as well, because at the end of the song (which is the best part) she completely abandons them and just hums along with the tune.   (But then again, that’s probably by artistic design, but what do I know?  I’m not a “song writer”.)  The one thing that I am certain of is that this song evokes an emotion inside of me that I’ve never known.  This emotion is neither happy or sad, nor boring or exciting.  It kind of makes me want to cry tears of sadness whilst smiling joyfully.  Being that I am a highly emotive person, the fact that I cannot pinpoint this emotion makes me feel terribly unsettled.

  Considering recent events in my life, I suspect that this is not coincidence.

  Someone recently asked me what the one thing I wanted the most in life was, and I candidly replied, “I want to solve the mystery of the Universe.”  I’m fully aware that this response sounds absolutely lame, (and I’m fully aware that this response killed the mood when my friend asked me her question over dinner), but it’s genuinely true.  I’ve made a conscious effort throughout my entire adult life to solve the meaning of our existence.  I suppose this may sound like somewhat of a bold task for an optometrist, but I suppose I am just that ambitious.  I’ve been considered a spiritual person by people, and for the most part I won’t deny it.  As much as I may appear to be an aloof simpleton to those who don’t know me, those who do know me know that I’m a complete bozo who takes spirituality very seriously.  To my close friends, they see me as (1) a spiritual person and (2) a complete bozo (in that order).

  I am always open to learn about other spiritualities, because, in the end, I believe we all have the same goal, which is to live a good life.  On the invitation from a friend, I recently attended a service at a non-denominational Christian church.  I was told beforehand that the church was charismatic, so I wasn’t surprised by the energy, bravado, and outward enthusiasm the church showed in the celebration of their faith.  However, what shocked me was the way this affected me.  The service was emotionally draining for me, and when I returned home that evening I could not help myself from crying uncontrollably.  The reasons for my outburst of emotion were twofold:  (1) About 93% of what the sermon was about was against 93% of everything I believe in, and (2) The fact that there exists such a huge disconnect between my beliefs and the beliefs of others was highly depressing.  I have never in my life endured a full-frontal verbal assault on the foundation of my core beliefs.

  There were approximately five lessons I learned over two Sundays at this church: (1) believe in Jesus, (2) believe in Jesus, (3) believe in Jesus, (4) believe in Jesus, and (5) BELIEVE IN JESUS.  (Oh, and by the way, BELIEVE IN JESUS.)  I’m not trying to sound comical, mean-spirited, or condescending, but that really was the only message I took home from each service I attended.  This was not what I expected.  I was expecting to learn about life and spirituality.  I expected to learn how to apply the morals of Christianity into my everyday life.  I guess I expected to learn something practical.  I suppose some people find spiritual upliftment from simply believing in Jesus, but I just don’t get it.  Perhaps that is a shortcoming of mine, and I’m a bit despondent about the fact that I may never experience the joy that these people feel.  But I suppose that’s how it is. 

  My intention is not to bash other peoples’ faiths.  I realize that we’re all just trying to figure things out, and whether or not someone has it figured out more than someone else is something that we’re never going to be able to prove.  But I’m certain that it is this type of attitude that puts me at odds with those who have strong religious convictions.  I am a person of strong conviction myself, but the essence of my confidence lies within my own humility.  I am not charismatic about my faith in Jesus.  (Jesus is a personal hero of mine, and I don’t think he was charismatic, so why should I be?)  I am uncomfortable flaunting my spirituality to others, and I am offended by people who do.   Shallow waters are noisy; still waters run deep.  I am humbled by the fact that I am just one person in the world whose personal spirituality is just as relevant as anyone else’s.  I don’t feel it is necessary for people to follow the same path as me because I simply believe that the path worth taking is the most personal one.  God helps those who help themselves.

  Up until I was about 20 years old I was a model Catholic.  I attended Catholic mass regularly.  But then I went sparingly, and then I went every once in a while, and then I went only when I felt guilty for not going.  I stopped going because it didn’t make sense to me anymore.   I stopped going because I learned the difference between Jesus Christ and Christianity, and I learned the similarities between the Son and the Sun.  I learned what God really is, and what She’s all about.  I learned about the concept of the Universe, and I learned that everything is everything.  I read The Alchemist.  I learned that happiness is just an emotion and shouldn’t be taken to mean anything more than that.  I learned how Neptune in retrograde can affect my disposition.  I learned that love is the one thing that everyone is capable of experiencing, and because of this I learned that love is the most important spirituality of all. 

  I’ve been known to say, “I don’t understand my emotions,” and that statement is 100% accurate.  I have no idea what’s going on most of the time.  I suppose that is why I’m finding myself at a spiritual crossroads in my life right now.  I have an unsettled feeling within my psyche.  I feel as if I’ve listened to everything but nothing wants to stay with me.  I can’t pinpoint exactly what I want to believe.  It’s a feeling I’ve never known before.  Maybe that’s what spirituality is all about? 

  If anything, going to that evangelical church made me want to go to Catholic Church again (and I will go this weekend!).  Maybe it's because those charismatics freaked me out and made me feel evil?  Probably not.  But it made me appreciate the morals and values that my Catholic upbringing instilled in me.  I don’t really know why I want to go to Catholic mass this weekend.  I suppose I want to go just because.  Even though I probably won’t agree with the priest’s homily, I still want to hear him speak about love, abortion, pre-marital sex, divorce, anger, and/or hate because that would be somewhat more important to me than just “believe in Jesus”.  I’ve always felt that faith is not as important as reality.  If you think deeply enough, you will realize that true spirituality can be found in things that we know are real.  Spirituality can be found in friendships, family, relationships, fatted calves, Ritz crackers, chocolate, music, etc.  Everything is everything in the Universe.  I’m sure I can find it in the church that I grew up in.

  The word “catholic” means “universe”.  Perhaps I was meant to be Catholic after all.

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