Monday, December 24, 2007

• FALSE ALARM (or A KT TUNSTALL DISCOGRAPHY)

  Currently Watching Aladdin (Disney Special Platinum Edition) By Scott Weinger, Robin Williams, Linda Larkin, Jonathan Freeman, Frank Welker see related

  The truth is the truth.  Everything that we know is true is, by default, true.  The truth cannot be questioned because it is, effectively, the truth.  It is real. Everything that is real is true. (Have I mentioned that the truth is the truth?)  All things in existence are true.  Truth is existence, and existence is truth.  The truth can never be non-existent.  It is true.

   

  But something non-existent can be the truth.

   

  Some of you are familiar with a girl named Sarah.  For those of you who are not, she is someone I met and shamelessly fell in love with almost three years ago.  To make a long story short, we haven’t spoken to each other in a little over two years, but if it were up to me it would not be like this at all.  I fell in love with her with the intensity of a thousand suns. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I am still in love with her to the present day, but I don’t know if there is any big difference between the two sentiments.  This has had a significant impact on the last two years of my life. Rumors of my profound depression have not been exaggerated.  The truth is that I’m a stranger to myself¹ and it’s been killing me.  And the truth flat out confronted me a few days ago when the world turned in on itself² and Sarah called me.

   

  It was a Monday night at around 7:30pm.  I had just finished my supper and was watching Monday Night Football when I heard my cell phone ring.  I looked at my phone and saw the name “Sarah” displayed on the LCD.  At this point I can’t really describe the emotions that ran through my mind.  My heart knows me better than I know myself so I’ll let it explain what happened³.  It might be akin to how someone feels about 60 seconds before they die.  My life didn’t exactly flash before my eyes, but when I saw her name on my phone, I felt as if time had stopped and I was living in my past and my future at the exact same moment.  I had been waiting for this phone call for upwards of two years. I would never have to take Prozac again!  The cosmic forces of the Universe were finally working in my favor! I was finally going to talk to her again!  As the phone kept ringing, the pressure built, and something was going to give⁴.  So, I picked up my phone, threw it on the couch, rushed to the bathroom, and threw up.

   

  I didn’t answer the call.

   

  Instead of calling her back, I went to my room and sat on my bed, and I thought about why the hell she would be calling me.  At first I thought, “Ha!  You called and I didn’t answer.  Who's in control now??”,although I knew that Sarah’s reaction to that attitude would probably be negligible.  Sarah was calling either to (1) tell me that she wanted to be friends again or (2) pick up where she left off two years ago and yell at me some more.  I thought about the last thing Sarah ever said to me. I believe her exact words were, “DON’T EVER CALL ME AGAIN!!”  It was those words that sent my psyche into the world of post-traumatic stress disorder, and the sound of my heart breaking at that exact moment still haunts me to this very day.  Considering that, I concluded that there wasn’t anything that she could possibly say to me that would result in me having a good day.

   

  After a while I thought about what I would say to her if I called her back.  It had been two years since I last experienced an event like this, and I would have expected to have been better prepared for this situation. I’m certain that she’s aware of my depression and how I feel about her.  It obviously would have been awkward if I said, “Hi!  I’m still in love with you!”  On the other hand, it would also be equally unpleasant if I totally ignored the obvious and played it cool and said, “Yo! Long time no talk!  How ya been?”  So, I decided not to call her back.

   

  While lying on my bed, I began to realize something that was probably obvious to the rest of the world. Because of the despondency that has plagued my macabre life over the past two years, it’s inconceivable that Sarah and I could have any relationship in any type of capacity, whether it is as acquaintances, friends, or more than friends.  She is convinced that her life is better off without me.  Furthermore, I am convinced that I will never be able to give her what she wants, and I can never make her happy. There’s no sense in traveling down that road if we’ve already been down that way⁵.  I realized that the time had come to move along, but just because I can’t see her doesn’t mean that I can’t love her⁶.

   

  I sat in the dark and I started to understand that I don’t need anything to change. I always thought that I needed to talk to her to validate my feelings, but I don’t (which works out conveniently for her, I suppose).  I always thought that I needed to hear from her, but I don’t.  I don’t need to be happy.  I don’t need to be loved.  I just need to know what it is.  For some reason beyond my comprehension, the Universe picked me to realize it this way. At the risk of sounding exceptional, I might be the only one in the world to experience it like this.  If so, then I’m fine with it.  If that makes you upset, then I’m fine with that, too. It’s my burden, not yours.  You might say that it’s a defeatist attitude. But I don’t care.  I don’t need to win, and neither do you.

   

  I stayed in my room for three hours and I thought about everything.  I contemplated, argued, rationalized, and retaliated with myself. I thought about what happened in the past, what’s happening in the present, and what will never happen in the future.  The world is going to turn whether I want it to or not⁷.  Holding on isn’t always bad, and letting go isn’t always good. Love doesn’t always make you happy, and pain doesn’t always make you suffer.  But, just like love, pain was built to last⁸.

   

  I eventually left my room. I picked up my phone from the couch and checked to see if Sarah left a voicemail.  What I saw was more shocking and revealing than I could ever have imagined.  Sarah did not call me.  My old friend Sam called me and I misread the caller ID.  Seeing "Sam" instead of "Sarah" was like seeing the hopeless decay of my soul⁹ on a Samsung digital display.  I felt like a total jackass.  I felt moded.  The Universe pwn3d me.  I cried uncontrollably.

   

  I have no redeeming qualities, and this idiotic episode of a non-event reaffirmed that fact.  I struggled with myself for three damn hours over an event that did not occur.  Nevertheless, it was still the most reflective three hours of my life.  Maybe it doesn't mean anything, but maybe it does.  Maybe I should have used Jack Johnson's discography, or maybe not.  I don’t know.  Nothing happened, yet everything happened.  It was never a true story, but the truth had never been so vivid.  If the Universe has the power to give and the power to see¹⁰, then sometimes it does so in the most fucked up (and creative!) way imaginable.  The Universe showed me its mirror, and it made me look at myself.  The truth can never lie, but a lie can sometimes tell the truth.

   

   

  All songs were written and performed by KT Tunstall!

   

  1. Miniature Disasters

  2.  Funnyman

  3.  Black Horse & the Cherry Tree

  4.  Paper Aeroplane

  5.  Beauty of Uncertainty

  6.  Other Side of the World

  7.  Hold On

  8.  Heal Over

  9.  Hopeless

  10.  Suddenly I See

   

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