Sunday, June 22, 2008

• Just don't know.

  Jacqueline leaves today for 5 days on Jr. High Mission trip.  They're going to Austin (see my post on the rings hell).  I wish them all the best, and I hope that she and the kids accomplish some of The Work that we are all called to.

  This week could be interesting for me.  I have SIL (J's sister) coming to watch the kids tomorrow while I'm at work.  Tuesday thru Thursday I'm at home with them, and then Friday Dad is coming.  It's not my ideal situation, but when you're looking for all-day babysitting, you tend to work around family schedules.  I'm actually none too concerned with the kids.  They'll be fine.  I'm not concerned with Jen or Dad - they too will be fine.  It's me...I'm not ok.

  I haven't been ok for probably three months.  I have successfully placed the weight of the world on my shoulders at work.  And I'm tired.  And I tend to not get it all done - or any of it done.  I go in waves of being organized and total chaos, where the wavelengths are way too short to make anything productive come of it.  J is not in a place where her dealing with my short temper, crankiness, and sleeplessness has taken a really negative toll on her.

  So I got onto our insurance website to check on psychologists for me to go see - note I say psychologists.  Mood-altering medications scare me.  The last thing I need is another addiction.  Anyhow, there's about a gagillion of them on the plan both within minutes of work and minutes of home.  I sort of have to go by someone who has "after hours" time slots, so that's the starting place, but after that - how do you even choose a counselor?  I landed a great one at A&M through Student Counseling Services, but that was pure luck. 

  Either way, I need help.  I can't keep going on the way I've been going.   

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