Currently Playing Lonely No More/Fallen By Rob Thomas Lonely No More see related

Haha okay so... I thought nobody read my xanga at all but that just got crapped on! But Mike and Meredith are uber cool for reading it AND commenting

I was just in one of my horrible moods last night. When I'm in a bad mood my best way to cope is to write.. when I write I don't like to just get rid of it. That feels like such a waste.

Which is why I posted it here haha. Thinking it would never be read, but oh well!

So the first thing to make me crack a smile all night is this stupid advertisement game at the top of the screen. A little pirate is running around on a boat... I shot it. How sad am I?

So I've spent much of tonight thinking about the past year. It was really fun. It's all ending though.. I definitely notice the change. Of course there is one larger thing changing which sucks but there's nothing I can do about it. I am who I am.. people wanna accept that then great. If not then I'll either not care or be upset. It's pretty much inevitable.

If there's one thing I hate more than anything it's change. I absolutely HATE change. Once I adapt to something, I want it to stay that way forever. Of course that's pretty much impossible but, hey, one can always dream, right? ..Wrong. Well I /could/, but what good does that do me? None. Absolutely none. I spend far too much time being reminiscent of things that used to make me happy. Once they're gone.. I continue thinking about them and then I get depressed. What REALLY gets me is watching something that means so much to me slowly slip away.

My problem is I get too damn attached. If I like something, I will become so emotionally attached to it that if it gets taken away before I'm ready I get literally depressed. I can't help it.

Hell, who knows what I'm talking about? It could be anything. I don't know if I even know anymore. In a way I can't wait till college but then the thought of the change it will bring makes me sick. I don't know what I want anymore. I need some more excitement in my life. Of course I'm only saying this cuz all the people in my life are getting involved in new things.. which brings me to the unfortunate conclusion that I, too, need new things. I don't /want/ new things but if everybody else is moving on, I need to too.

I feel like life is just like a play and I'm moving from scene to scene. Or a book and from chapter to chapter. You get the gist. The point is, I move from one comfortable position in life.. then that gets changed somehow so I get moved to a whole new position. But I'm really VERY happy with the way things were this year. Now I see it all changing and it just depresses me.

It's like a sick game. One which I cannot win.

Not to mention SOMEBODY up there must really not like me right now. My computer's broken. My dad has yet to call anyone to fix it. It's been like 2 weeks. My TV broke as well. I'm just gonna put a different one in my room but still.. My car's on its last limb. It's been screwy for months now but I don't think it'll live much longer. My parents are going to NJ for the last time in a few weeks and the one weekend night they'll be gone, I have SATs the next morning. My phone's broken so I gotta get a new one. It's just all so annoying! Work's not fun anymore. It's become such bullshit that I don't even like going anymore. High school's not fun anymore. I was really enjoying it for awhile but now I'm just sick of the people in it. Not all of them of course but a goood portion of them.

I'm just so easily annoyed. Or "easily pissed off". I don't know why I act the way I act. I'm not a fun person. I don't know how to be fun.

I'm just in a big fucking slump. That or I'm finally realizing a lot of crap. Sigh...