Last night, I drifted off to sleep to the drone of CNN on the TV and my fiance chatting amiably on the phone with his parents. When I finally woke up on the couch with a stiff neck and a sore back, he was still talking as if an hour hadn't just passed. Then I went to bed and he continued to talk for quite a while without even noticing I was gone. To be honest, I can't even remember the last time I talked on the phone for almost two hours. This is possibly because it's never happened. But furthermore, I can't even imagine having so much to discuss with my parents.
My fiance and I have drastically different relationships with our families. He turns to his parents for advice on everything imaginable. I look at all of the mistakes my parents made in their lives and try to do the exact opposite. He talks on the phone with his grandparents on a regular basis. I called my grandpa once out of the blue and he was so confused he thought my mom was pranking him. Fiance tries to meet his little brother once a week for dinner. I try to send my brother a snide facebook comment here and there to brighten his day. But, despite all of these differences, I don't consider my relationship with my family any less strong than his. In fact, I think it makes me appreciate the way my parents raised me that much more.
Fiance's parents are die-hard worriers. If he mentions something offhand - ANYthing - that he has been considering, it immediately becomes a family discussion. After the phone conversation is over, his parents continue to think about it, discuss the problem, and, consequently, worry about it. About a week later, when we don't even care about the problem anymore, his parents call back to offer up advice they found on the internet, reference books checked out from the public library, and the phone number of a distant cousin who suffered from a similar problem some 10 years ago.
My parents, however, try to stay completely out of my problems. My mom has always told me "if I raised you as well as I think I did, you should be able to handle yourself by now". And that's that. I believe her thinking is really quite insightful and smart, especially for her. I mean, this is the woman who can't seem to figure out how to email me pictures which aren't each three megs big and crash my hard drive every time.
If I mention anything problematic to my dad during our bimonthly, 5-minute phone conversation, I can count on my advice in the form of a "dadism". Dadisms are a series of catchphrases my dad can use to solve anything with as little effort as possible. When I complain about work, he says "sometimes you have to pay your dues". When I tell him I'm driving home overnight after I get off work, he says "don't be a hero". When I tell him about many of the other things I do, he says "show some class for God's sake". That's my personal favorite.
But really, one of the main reasons I don't call home as much as I probably should is because my parents are extremely busy people. Growing up, we didn't have a ton of money. In order for my siblings and I to do the things we wanted to do, my parents did nothing...ever. Now that they're no longer helping pay for school and having us at home for the summer, they've rejoined the rest of the human race, OUTside of the house. So now when I call home, I kind of feel like talking to my parents is like being a producer for CNN – even
if nothing is happening, I still have to come up with some sort of news
to satisfy everyone. The idle chat that Fiance enjoys with his parents inevitably ends up being awkward silence with my parents. These days, with myself and my siblings spread out across the Midwest, my parents are all alone in their respective farmhouses back in Bureau County.
Occasionally, I wonder if they miss us. But then I call my parents with
a pre-written list of personal news to discuss, only to be rushed off
the phone because they’re too busy. And, somehow, I don’t think that’s how "Cat's in the Cradle" is supposed to go.
Comments (6)
" I called my grandpa once out of the blue and he was so confused he thought my mom was pranking him."
HAHAHAHA
I have to remember to give my grandpa a call as well. I rarely visit... because I hate nursing homes. The last time I went I sat in a wet chair (it has been peed on by some elderly person with bladder issues).
Anyway.. My boyfriend talks to his parents a lot about everything. They joke around all the time. My parents and I talk very little but when we do talk, it's strictly business. For example.. dinner last night, I came downstairs and talked to them about the election, my plans for buying next year and my conversation with a lender. They gave me their thoughts on my plans. We cleaned up dishes and we haven't talked since.
Relationships are what they are. I just figured my boyfriend was a talkative guy that needed that type of relationship with his parents... or desired it. Sometimes I do... but most of the time, I don't mind the silence.
Nice entry
I have 3 siblings and then my mother and father that separated when I was 3. I am the only one that speaks to my father. I am the only one that speaks to my twin sister. I am the only one that speaks to my brother. My older sister and mom talk regularly and I talk to both of them, but other than that there is no intercommunication.
Communication within a family is not based solely on upbringing. I think my example shows that it can also be strongly influenced by an individual's values. I think that its tough to have a significant other that relies on their family like your fiance does. When you see it and feel somehow neglected by it... its most likely not just b/c you don't have that with your parents. Part of it is that your fiance's parents get a lot of attention that you might want... and much more importantly: he doesn't rely on you for those things.
well that's how I would feel anyway;)
--joe
"friends are gods apology for family" - awesome
i really enjoyed reading this entry because it reminds me alot of my boyfiend and i. he’s really close to his mom and is always bouncing this idea or that off her, etc. I’m very close with my mom but I rarely go to either of my parents for advice, I just feel like it’s pointless. I thought the thing about “dadisms” was so funny because my dad does the EXACT same thing!
i’m also glad that I was raised this way because I feel like the sooner you start standing on your own two feet the better, and also because I’m a very independent person and am not too crazy about depending on anyone…
thanks again for your comment and your mini!
that was a really great read! I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who can forgo calling home for a while because there is no "CNN news story" to deliver. =) like your grandfather, I can always detect that hint of surprise I hear in my parent's voice when I do actually call home after a few weeks/months. It's true that it doesn't mean our relationship isn't as solid as others, it just means we give each other space to live our lives. I like that about my parents actually!! Oh and thanks for your comment and mini! it made me feels tons better that day!