| | Hey, Oz: Season 4 is out on Netflix now! And guess who has it! Me! and Rad. Exciting, don't you think? The first episode starts out with our favorite convicts deep in the heart of lockdown. The yappy paralyzed fellow is sleeping on the floor of "the hole," whose surfaces appear to be coated with anal mucus. MmmmMMM! Beecher and Keller are in disfunctional lurve. Despite the fact that they are both men, it's just like watching my mom and stepdad! Why yes, I do see a therapist, why do you ask? Just kidding, I don't see a therapist. I self medicate.
Let's see...Schillinger is still evil. So, so incredibly evil. Ryan gained weight, is not so much the sexy anymore, however the new hotness is CYRIL O'REILLY. I'm going to hell for lusting after a "slow" person.
A moment of silence for the drool I spilled thinking of Cyril.
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Ok, where were we? Ah, yes. Claire is still a super bitch. Dude, an inmate in solitary confinement (her responsibility) CHEWED HIMSELF TO DEATH. CHEWED. WITH HIS TEETH. UNTIL HE DIED. And how does our most sensitive Claire respond to this? "Aw fuck, I'm going to be filling out paperwork for months!" Bitch. Why isn't she fired yet? Oh, yeah, because of Tim "Mangina" McManus. He's still an idiot. When Ryan O'Reilly, brother of the hotness and resident busy-body warns Pussy Face about impending doom for poor, sweet, gentle, French Guillame and some bad characters intent on stealing every pair of shoes poorsweetgentlefrenchguillame receives while poorsweetgentlefrenchguillame simmers and boils internally, McAnus brushes him off! Then Guillame kills the bad characters, plus some guards, before killing himself. With a gun given to him by Adebisi, who must be wearing his twisted Samaritan hat. Hi, Tim, you missed the Clue Train. The conductor was right there telling you to get on! If there is one thing we know from the previous three seasons of Oz, it is that Ryan knows all. Because Ryan is usually responsible for all.
The other thing we know is that Alvarez is impossible to kill. I've lost count of how many times someone has tried to shank him, and he always, always escapes. More lives than a cat, this one! In this episode Alvarez is, as usual, wasting away drinking his own piss in solitary confinement. Oh, the guards don't really feed him, due to his poking the eyes out of a fellow corrections officer. Long story. Someone in solitary tries to kill him, because Alvarez killed his cousin, who was also trying to kill him. Did you follow that? In addition to his amazing death defying abilities, Alvarez also has no friends. Very sad, I know.
Ok, I gotta wrap this up. Hmm...ok, new inmate, he's an undercover officer trying to find the source of the drug business. He talks like a Jamaican mon, only he not relly Jamaicon. Eyeneye. Daaaayo.
We see Adebisi's tighty whitey encased gun niche. If you see this scene, you'll know what I'm talking about. Or maybe you can figure it out. Ok, nevermind, you see Adebis tuck a gun (a gun in prison? another long story) next to his penis while wearing ridiculously small jockeys.
Dr. Nathan still loathes Ryan. Ryan still adores Dr. Nathan. My heart constricts from all the longing looks and self-mutilating attempts on Ryan's part to get into the infirmary to see her.
Father Mukada and Said give Beecher bad advice regarding Schillinger of Satanville. So bad. This will end...badly.
More to come! |
