half done. w/summer

my summer is pretty much over.
well, the leisurely, sit around part.
and i realized i havent written at all.
i leave for korea in 10 days! omg...10 days! this trip felt like an illusion for so long and now it's gonna happen! i have to leave home, work, church, my comfort levels in so many different ways. im more scared than anything. i know it's gonna be amazing because God is, but im still nervous. i think im gonna cry when i leave...haha sounds stupid but home has truly become a home for me. i love my old, cluttered, run down, but oh-so-comfy house. and ive become so attached to my family that i really dont want to leave! not even for korea...

so wrapping my summer thus far.
mom.
and
complacency.

i've spent a lot of time w/ my mom this summer talking, shopping, complaining about gas prices, complaining about my brother, taking walks, cooking and the likes. and i dont want to leave her! i dont want to leave this summer of bonding with her and spending good quality time with her that i'm afraid i can never get back again. i know it sounds stupid, i can always come home again...but i dont want things to be different. and i dont wanna leave her with my brother who is so caught up in his high school world to even really notice our parents. i miss my mom thinking of how im gonna have to live at school...

complacency- my summer has been very comfortable. it kinda scares me. how can i be so content while my relationship with God has become so distant. i've had moments of acknowledgment, dependency, desire, and devotion, but then i fall right back into the comforts of books that aren't the bible, waking up late sunday mornings, never talking to people about their relationships w/ God so i don't have to talk about mine...

i've also started to read. i never liked reading before, but ive learned to really enjoy reading! and i've read a couple of really good books! i wish i started reading earlier. there's so much i wanna read...so little time.

im also going to miss all my preschoolers! they are so cute! and ive grown so attached to them as well!

i dont know what else.

dear friends,


isn't it weird how you think so negatively about some people? maybe because of one bad experience with them or maybe you know them well and you think, gosh! why are they like that? or why do they always do this? and you just keep this negative image of them and it distorts everything else that they happen to do or say. it's so hard to get rid of a bad impression sometimes and you fail to see all the good God has put in them.
goal: constantly look for the good in people. stop judging people based on who they seem to be, or just accept that you're not gonna like every aspect of every person. ugh. this sounds so clique and childish... but i don't even try to get along with people that i have differences with anymore. it's sad. but isn't that what i expect from other people? i mean i know a lot of my faults...but there's so many more that people see i bet, and they accept me anyways. why do i have such difficulty loving people? i have to stop not liking people cause i'm jealous of them...well, certain aspects of them...
i also would like to stop caring about my weight
and get straight As this semester.

happy studying. summer is almost here!
yippie!

also. another random thought.
so while studying w/ some girls but actually talking about boys...
we realized how attractive it is when a guy loves God so much! the more his heart is in Christ the "hotter" he becomes. ...this is probably also true vise-versa.
so why do guys/girls try to attract each other by focusing on each other so much...when really all we have to do is focus on God more. weird? kinda...i guess
w/e we all love attention. too much. just me? i doubt it. ugh
i can't wait to see how my hubby and i are going to serve God together. sigh, it's going to be magical.
"ive been praying for you"
heart...melting....sigh.
<3

p.s please notice the time on this entry and don't laugh after you read this entry, cause i realize it's stupid. but procrastination is key to an all nighter! =)
p.p.s my mom is praying for my perfect husband. i dont know why i wanted to add that bit so much. i just did.

theorems await.

homesick.

i'm feeling a new feeling. i've never really felt this before, except at sleepovers in junior high when i would wonder what my brother was doing without me. and i would miss him and want to play with him. but, i'm 19, almost 20 now...and here i am feeling for the first time, genuinely homesick. for the first time in two years, this place, school, uic, these people, my room, this building, the city air, doesn't feel like home. and i long for the comforts of my old couches, soft carpet floors, my cluttered rooms, my brother, my mom, and dad, and sister. i miss my family. did i ever tell you guys how amazing my family is?

my dad works really hard for our family. even when he's tired and hurting, he still works, cause he loves us more than his health, more than himself, and he would never let us suffer or feel the pains of not getting what he wants to give us.
my mom has basically been our servant since we've all been born. she always puts us first and tells me to love God. she always encourages me to follow God more than this success driven world. she says she's proud of me now, even though i don't deserve it. she's one of the strongest Christian women i know and respect.
my sister, she's crazy about God too. and i want to learn how to love God like she does. she has morals like the bible and i wish i did too. she understood our parents way before i did and i love that i can always look up to her for stuff like that.
my brother, is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. he makes me feel like i'm worth something, he used to be my best friend until i got all moody and to be a teenager. i think i love him more than anybody else in this world. i want to take care of him and love him more, but i'm stuck at school, busy/lazy as heck.

i'm laying on my bed, thinking of how much i used to hate and want to be away from my family. how much i hurt them and how much i want to make up 19 years of bitterness. 20 is going to be a new year for me. and i'm starting now. i want to be a good sister and daughter more than being a good friend, more than being a teacher, a good student, a good small group leader, a good sunday school teacher.

God, thank you, you've abundantly blessed me.

my eyes are gonna be puffy tomorrow.