not going to talk about the whole trip, because that would take forever! but let's just say that i had a spectacular timee, ate until i felt like i was going to explode, and laughed until we were rolling on the floor & my stomach cramped

so i got home around 1am! i just spent the night hanging out with ivy tay, bryan, alex, eddie, & kevin @ 85C tea house. those boys go there so muchh, they're like VIP status hahaaa. i had a good time (: i kind of didn't wanna go back home, but i had to cause i'm leaving to bakersfield w/ my dad around 8am today.

"since whenn was team ftl a bad influence?"
i remember daniel saying that to me, probably about half a year ago... when hookah came into the picture.
i don't know, i'm feeling really guilty about the way i reacted to what mike told me today. and even more bothered that i kept harassing him about it :| i can't help it. i just can't stop thinking about it. it bothers me.
but regardless of whatever he chooses to do, which is none of my business really, it made me start to think about my own limits. this past year, i've kept kind of pushing the border a little further out each time. drinking for holidays.. then just drinking for the hell of it... making out with boyss... just doing things i told myself i wouldn't do, or at least wait until a certain point in my life TO do. smoking is something i told myself i'd never ever even TRY - i don't want to end up like my dad.
(no i have never smoked, i'm just saying for example :] )

i waited years and years for my first kiss to be something special - from someone who really mattered to me. up until this day, the only times i've ever been kissed have been out of lust, not love. i've kissed four boys, and three out of the four had something to do with us being inebriated.

i don't think i'll ever get the chance to be in a relationship. i've never had one, to be honest. i've been single forever and ever and ever. some people jump from one boyfriend to another within weeks - they make it look so easy, i envy them. i can't even get one. i want to put cheesy IMs in my info, hold hands while walking, and have someone to cuddle up against when we're watching movies. someone who thinks i'm spectacular and doesn't need any other girls because i'm more than enough. i've been waiting seventeen years, and i'm still waiting. i feel like i'm going to be waiting forever.


anyways, it kind of scares me, how big a part of my life my team ftl-ers have become. idk, because now that they're a part of it and they decide one day that they don't want me around anymore, its going to hurt. i'll probably be sad for a whileee :[ oh well. i'm not a part of the team, after all.

i'm not sure why i'm thinking about them right now, but yeah i guess hanging out with the other group of boys has just kind of made me realize some things. like... we're all going to go down the wrong road some time in our lives. and by the wrong road, i mean drinking and partying and everything like that. but i'm grateful in the sense that because i had team ftl with me, i went down the wrong road... the right way. does that make sense to anyone but me? lol. they may look like all they wanna do is party hardy, but they're actually very responsible when need be. i got crunk plenty of times, but i'm glad it was always them there to watch out for me. and when i got my heart broken, when i'd fought with my best friends, or when my hamster died, there were always certain people who'd be down to talk to me and put the name-calling and teasing on pause just to make sure i was okay & make me feel better.

loyal or just dumb? it was like thisss with the gfs too i never bothered broadening my horizons, never bothered trying especially hard to make new friends&hang out with them. one group is good enough for me. i think i'm like that with boys too. one is good enough for meee - if you're it, you're it. but i think that's where the problem is, because if you don't have back-up friends, and your main friends don't want you anymore... then you end up with no one.

my biggest fears: being alone, the dark, thunder, heights, BEING ALONE =/

long, deep entry but yeahh. just needed to let that out. i don't really have anyone to talk to nowadays. no more late night phone conversationssss. nobody calls me anymore. i'm leaving again tomorrow morning (:  dunno when i'm coming back. whenever i feel ready, i guess. i just like escaping this little city. all the same people, same drama, same problems. boooooo.

screw the alphabets! the title just came to me out of nowhere (: well anyways, yeahh. this week has been pretty mellow, in starking contrast to last week's adventures. do i mind? nahh. i kind of like it. taking everything as it comes. i've been toying with re-doing my room for about two days noww, but progress has been hardly visible

a year ago, i remember my motto was: people who expect nothing, will never be disappointed. that makes sense, right? :] so over time i've come to learn not to expect much of anything - especially applicable to boys. i don't expect him to call, so it feels extra special when he does. etcetera etcetera.

i'm really scared of where i'm standing right now though. it's like... standing on a ledge, slipping and falling, and then climbing back up only to stand on that same exact ledge once more. kind of retarded, right? he hurt me really bad last time, i'm not gonna lie to myself anymore. he chose someone else over me, and when things didn't work out with her, he wanted to hang out with me again. and it just makes me wonder - am i always just going to substitute that empty space until someone else better comes along? shouldn't i just enjoy what i have and take everything in stride?

i've been talking to kevin chu & bryan more lately, which is nice. they completely went MIA in my life for a while (: can't say i've missed them all too much, however. haha. got to hang out with bryan yesterday, & even see exboyfriend andy :] i don't like the new look he's trying; i miss his schmexy fob hair&glasses!

so apparently lots&lots of people (guys) have been inviting me to parties lately. "so i hear you party." wtfwtfwtf? :[ kind of gets on my nerves. and for the record, i only drink with people i trusttt - namely ftl! i may act irresponsible, but i know my limits. i'm not going to some party with a bunch of guys i barely know, knowing what alcohol does to me >[

bryan's birthday is this thursday and he wants to party. i don't know if i want to go or not but, it's his birthday ya knoww? we'll see. friday morning i'm leaving to mexico! (: i'll be back monday night. and i'm kind of even more excited to come back! looking forward to the month ahead :] spending more time with the people i love <3 we've already made a grip of plans!

okay jon's probably gonna get all butthurt cause he woke me up an hour ago, told me "DON'T GO BACK TO SLEEEP!" and to come overrr. oopsies -___-
"remember when stanley and i used to just come over all the time when you were still sleeping?" they let themselves in, lol. last summer was funn<3 i totally forgot.