Currently Watching Thumbsucker By Lou Taylor Pucci, Tilda Swinton, Vincent D'Onofrio, Keanu Reeves, Benjamin Bratt see related
Uncertainties.
I fear it may be the cause of my never-ceasing anxiety.
And lately, it's been sucking. lots. lots of sucking. I feel almost claustrophobic. and overcrowded. with people and thoughts and tingly-feely things inside my... toes.
I don't know how to explain. Not even window shopping on ebay helps. and it usually does. Not music, not TV, not work, not mindless computer gaming, not even the brightly epileptic-inducing colors of shoes which may or may not illicit orgasmic convulsions, whilst viewing online shoe stores.
I'm having trouble gaining access to my xanga page because of my overuse of profane words, such as: penis, fuck, shit, suckmydick, and blockbuster. Netgear firewall, eat my balls. Eat it good.
I need to cut down on my vulgarity, for my mother probably reads this in her spare time.
Sooooo, I haven't been here in about a month. Nothing's changed. Wait, wait. Yes, things have changed, I remember now. Work this past month has been better than most other months. I hear I'm getting my bonus soon, which is also a good sign from Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the like. Anyhow, here's the breakdown of current coworkers as of Sunday, July 13, 2008: Bill makes me laugh, Shawn has OCD and likes to clean windows, Jesse is probably not stealing money, Shaylynne likes butterflies, Eddie's on crutches, Kris is sarcastic and likes to call off on Mondays, Matt is a male version of Kris except he doesn't call off on Mondays, and Michelle is leaving Jersey.
I'd like to comment further on these people, but I think I'll save that for another day.
What I really want to do right now is drive off cross-country in search of a Xangan. Any xangan. Someone who still visits my site preferably. I wouldn't mind taking a week off of work, meeting up, getting drunk, jumping bridges, prank-calling Blockbuster stores, etc.
Yes, that may sound pathetic, sad, and imbecilic, but I'm not asking for much. So if anyone wants to be my best friend for the remainder of the summer, just give me a heads up, I'm willing and able. I must warn you though, I am EXTREMELY awkward and my mannerisms are oftentimes strange and unusual. (I twitch and stutter sometimes, I like to press buttons, and I will say inappropriate things when I least intend to, sometimes in an offensive manner.) I also have poor social skills, and my eye-sight isn't perfect. One eyelid is latent, and my left boob is larger than my right. I also grow more arm-hair in my left pit.
If I was even remotely human, I wouldn't be having conversations like, "um, yes, oh, babies, hmmm." But that's exactly how my conversations sound like. Which is why people hate talking to me. Nothing that originates from my mouth is ever coherent or relatable to anyone or anything.
I'm writing this entry because a fellow Xangan of mine had just reminded me of something I should be thankful for. Not penises, but friends. Yes, friends. The big f-word. I think I'm having trouble grasping that concept because I'm so unused to talking and attaching myself to other people. I still think I'm socially inept, though not to the same extent that I was around this time last year. Have I grown? Maybe. A little, I guess. I think working at Blockbuster has helped me deal with people, assholes, and mice in general. and also my fear of social settings and diet beverages. I'm not gonna say that I'm completely cured of my social-anxiety-related-irks-and-unreasonably-insensible-shits, but I'm getting there. I still find it hard to "make friends". I haven't been able to make a new one since 8th grade I think, if I can remember that far back. I don't know, sometimes time doesn't go by at the same rate in my head as it does in reality.
I'm scared that when I go back to the Philippines this December, they'll hate me because I don't even remember half the things they do when I still lived there. I can barely recall what it was like. Or maybe they'll just hate me because I stopped writing to them, that I'd forgotten them, stashed them away inside my shoebox, only to reminisce on garbled words and hallmark photos. Either way, I don't remember. I just don't, and it's confusing because sometimes I miss them and I won't know why. It sucks because it's irrational and irrelevant. and it doesn't make any sense because I don't remember. or maybe I'm just confusing myself. Hell, I don't even know anymore.
Now that the price of gas exceeds that of my grocery bills, I thought that I might share with you one of the things that I picked up when I was kid. Of course, aside from climbing trees, playing on the trampoline, getting bullied on a regular day-to-day basis, and being called a freak for wearing men's underwear, I enjoyed bike-riding as a child. It's really fun actually. Just two days ago, I decided to ride my bike around my neighborhood in lieu of the settling thunderstorm. Oh, the rain as it trickles down on my black silken hair dancing in the wind, while obscuring my view from the SUV coming towards me. How great the outdoors.
So anyhow, the point I want to make today is that biking may help you and your loved ones save a lot of money and a lot of heartache. Not just on gas, but also on car-related things such as oil changing, car inspection, the need to update one's driver license, being ticketed, undesignated parking areas for those w/o parking permits, and roadkill. (Think about it, you are less likely to run over deer on a bicycle!) Besides, bike-riding is environmentally friendly, hence decreasing the amount of automobile pollutants in the air, carbon emissions from various vehicles, as well as angry pedestrians. And we all know what angry pedestrians lead to! Jaywalking.
Oh, and you know what else? Now that everyone is stressing the need to stay fit and exercise, why not just bike, instead of driving to your neighbor's house. Yes, you know what neighbor. The one with a 142" 1080p HD Plasma TV with Blu-ray capabilites and as an added on bonus an HDMI cable on a dual-layer polycarbonate CD-RW/DVD-R burner with a 220gig external hardrive and a 3.44ghz Pentium DualCore2 processing chip. That neighbor. and did I mention, he has air conditioning? Yes, my friend, yours is broken.
So I have come to the conclusion, that if you want to do us all a favor, and if you want to prevent global warming and dead animals, then ride a bike and be a hero!
Updates, updates. Haven't been here in a while, but nothing too interesting has happened in the past month that I've been away from xanga.
My shoe count is up to 25 or so odd pairs. From bright yellows to lime greens, to baby blues, and hot pinks. Sexy, I know. It's also expensive, pointless, time consuming, and wasteful. Kind of like smoking, except without the added-on benefits of lung cancer and gingivitis. Other than that, they're pretty much the same thing. Say for instance: They both result in overspending. They drain wallets on a weekly basis (and consequently fill others'). They're one of those I-see-you-like-doing-this-so-I-am-compelled-to-do-it-too type of things. or actually, it might be the opposite of that. The I'm-a-non-conformist-so-I'll-do-this-to-show-you-I-don't-conform mindset. Okay, I'm making a generalization about smokers and sneakerheads, and I'm mocking myself. I know not everyone pursues these uhh, hobbies, for the same reasons, but that money could've been used to fix my car. I could've used that money to fix my front-end bumper, which was rear-ended by mother and which was one-week later driven into another car. I could've, I could've. But I didn't. Instead, I spent them on kicks. Some even neatly tucked away in their respective boxes, unopened, unused. They're sacred and no one is allowed to touch them.
I'll stop, I swear, Jesus. But my last pair's shipping in on Monday, so you'll have to wait.
On a lighter note , It's hot as FUCK , and my portable air-conditioner DOESN'T WORK . The heat wave's supposed to last till the end of this week , or till global warming subsides . So for now, I'm sleeping with my siblings .
I caught a mouse yesterday at work, and it was fun for a change.
I have no life.
And I like oatmeal.
Cinnamon-and-Spice is the shit.
So eat it. Eat my shit. Eat it until it tastes like oatmeal, Bitch.
, It's hot as FUCK 
, and my portable air-conditioner DOESN'T WORK 
. The heat wave's supposed to last till the end of this week 
, or till global warming subsides 
. So for now, I'm sleeping with my siblings 
.
