Life, as it is.It's been almost 11 months since I delved into the field of research. There has never been a single day like today. Last week I forgot to add phycoll to leucosep tubes; I spinned down blood without it. Result: no buffy coat, no pDC. My boss's experiment had to be paused for two days 'cuz of my foolish mistake. About $70 worth of stuff was wasted. Engaging in a conversation with Mom yesterday, I realized how little I have grown all these years. I thought I've become more mature over the years, but it turns out I've been simply intoxicated by my own pride of self-worth. Her gracefulness and love were beyond comparison with what I had to offer. Her gracefulness has never changed. So have my recklessness and wretchedness. When will I ever be strong and capable enough for my parents to lean on me emotionally and spiritually? When will I ever grow to be the reliable head of the family? By the time my parents retire in ten years, I gotta be something to take care of them, to keep my family from tasting poverty. And the journey into the field of medicine feels like a never-ending affliction. When I woke up this morning. I could feel all the junks of my mind stifling me. Then I remembered yesterday I let dialysis go overnight without changing PBS. Ah, this damn forgetfulness... that caused a day's worth of delay in my boss's work today. What a great way to start the day. All the burden and heaviness followed me and gladly participated in my work. While doing ELISA I accidentally added some samples into wrong wells, mixing two different samples. I didn't have enough to repeat. It took me two days to stimulate the cell lines to collect the samples. Now all the money, time, and effort went down the drain 'cuz of my idiotcy. The last two dilutions of the IFNa ELISA standard were terribly off. I did three ELISAs today, at the end of the day all thrown away. 4 Liters of ELISA wash buffer leaked out of the tank and flooded the entire bench and floor while I left the lab for thirty minutes. All these pain me so much 'cuz my boss is very quick to understand my shortcoming and laughs it off always with a joke. I give her hard time but she simply says accidents happen and rather encourages me to do a better job. The more I find how graceful she is, the harder to tolerate any kind of mistake.
I tried studying for MCAT again this week, but the effort has been futile. It is so difficult to get back to work-study-sleep routine after spending these past two months reading only one book, watching over 200 episodes of anime, and hanging out with friends. I never imagined MCAT verbal section would give me such a hard time. All the white and few Asian premeds kill the curve. I really regret back in high school spending so much time chatting and playing computer games while lying to my parents I'm doing school work. Only if I spent those times in reading lots of books to build reading comprehension skills.
Man, I'm so emotionally vulnerable today.. just like a lady. Just tonight.. just for one night.
| 
