The current PTA president had called a few days before. She was done with it. Didn't have time. Stressed out. I could relate, the entire year, one ill-planned disaster after another. From the first board meeting where I was sure a fist fight was destined to break out, to the rapid decline of volunteers and attendance at PTA meetings, it had become a full-time job.
"As soon as this year's over, I'm stepping down. Do you have any interest?" She asked.
Guilt swam over me. I'd been considering quitting myself. In August, I'd be alone for 7 hours a day, five days each week, for the first time in 11 and 1/2 years. Hannah would be starting school. I could write without interruption or do a great big nothing, if I wanted to, without guilt.
"We won't have a treasurer (her daughter going to Middle school). The membership gal is tired. The secretary never comes anyway. And we'd need a vice president." I listed more for myself than her.
"Yep, that's about it."
I almost said yes, right then. I said, let me think about it, instead. Calling my mom who reminded me that guilt wasn't a good enough reason to say yes to anything. My sensible side (which is very very small) agreed but my guilt ridden saying no is evil and mean side (which is very large and overbearing) nagged how can you, you are an awful, self centered, and horrible parent. How can you choose yourself over PTA?
Saying yes to babysitting when I'd rather die than have one extra child in my house, much less three. Saying yes to everything except myself. Playing the role of martyr when I could easily say no.
And that's where I was when God stepped in.
"Here's your sign, write write write," he said, loud enough for me to hear, just a little, via an acceptance to a new Guideposts book, three days after I'd sent in the story.
"I wasn't planning on quitting," I whined. "Just doing both. Can't I do both?"
He'd reminded me in the past in those times of frustration, considering quitting. Small but path asserting emails from strangers who had read a story and were touched by it, an acceptance here and there, getting me back on track.
Phone calls followed from several parents at the school, wondering about next year. Encouraging me to take the plunge, we'll help, things will be different. Threatening my resolve and charging the guilt back up to high, I was considering PTA only one day later.
"No one else will do it. Things will fall apart," she screamed.
And God screamed back in the form of a reporter from the Clarion Ledger, who wanted an interview, with me, for their MS Kids publication, in April.
"How many times do I have to tell you? It's ok to say no. It's ok to chose you."
I was still wavering, having convinced myself I might want to, still not making a decision for myself.
And here I am again, just like 12 years ago, making myself choose, still completely undecided. When I don't have to. I can have both if I want. I can have neither. I can have one or the other. If I decide for myself without guilt. To throw off that collar and know it is really a choice for good or for bad, that I can make.
I have spoken, and I urge you to say no, no, NO! That newspaper article just sealed the deal. God (and I, uh, God Jr.) say you should write. If you were president of the PTA, you'd be just as frazzled as the previous one, and probably more, since you'd be kicking yourself for giving up time for writing. Yes, you may feel guilty for a while, but that guilt is nothing compared to the guilt, etc. you'd feel having to deal with unruly, about to fistfight adults, combined with the fact that you're putting your writing on the back burner.
