I will not run out and buy rutabagas, Spam, tuna or Strawberry PopTarts.

I will not rush to the window to peer out every single time I hear the wind pick up.

Nor shall I spend hours tying down all outdoor items with rope, that will take me until next hurricane season to get undone again. 

When I go to the store, I will not buy flashlights, candles, water by the truckload or enough ice to flood my house when it melts.

I will, from here on out, refrain from referring to the weather guy by his first name, even though I feel like I know him. 

  "But, Jim says we should buy enough food to feed Maryland for a year."

"Jim insists someone cut back those iffy looking trees least they crash into our house."

Or the random high hysteria "JIM SAYS SEEK SHELTER!!"

  When my mom continuously calls to ask me what kind of damage a hurricane can do

or

When Bill, one hour before the worst of it is about to hit, starts insanely bringing inside all the chairs I did not tie down in between venturing back and forth to the store for Spam, tuna, rutabagas and chocolate donuts, I WILL NOT PANIC!!!

When the birds in our yard begin twittering insistently and acting crazy in their suspicious bird way, I will resist the urge to join them or engage in any bird watching activities, in order to head off impending doom.

"See, all those hours of forcing you to watch Animal Planet paid off!  The birds know when bad weather is coming.  Do you think Jim knows to watch the birds?"

In the meantime, I will remain calm, repeating "things will be fine" over and over again to myself and them. 

And then I'll go back to watching the weather channel.