Tuesday, November 06, 2007

• It’s all in the memories…(aka: time to get it out of my system, feel free to ignore this... and also.. spam is over.)
  

   

  I’m feeling strangely disconnected from everything right now.  I had myself a good cry last night, about my break-up… and I do still feel sore about it, but I dunno.  Today I did work... felt hazy... watched Transformers... felt empty. I feel distant, like none of it really matters. 

   

  Maybe it’s that I saw it coming for a long time, and was trying to deny the inevitable.

   

  Maybe I’m just sick of the constant roller-coaster ride this relationship has been.

   

  There’s a lot of positive to this, and in fact, we didn’t part on bad terms, but my mindset right now is completely “don’t wanna touch this with a ten-foot pole” right now.   

   

  What I do know is that I feel a mix of deep sadness, loneliness, anger and frustration and such, but also relief, in some sense.

   

  I’d be happy about feeling this, because there’s some finality to it, but I felt like this a month ago, when he first left… so I can’t tell if this will rebound, or if my getting over it is really “over”.  It seems to be a constant well, once again, roller-coaster ride, hehe.  (I can’t find a better analogy right now, my apologies.)  This relationship was volatile and powerful… a storm on the ocean that a seasoned captain loves to ride sorta deal, but that makes newbie cabin boys quake in their boots.  A thrill… a fright, all in one.

   

  I took his artwork off the wall.  He’s keeping my photo in his wallet.

   

  I may talk to him again in time, since we both agreed to be friends.  In fact, he mentioned that I was his best friend, the best thing that had ever happened to him.  Apparently that wasn’t good enough to cultivate.  It will take me some time to get over the bitterness, as is evident, as well as the sheer nonsensical nature I feel is present in his point of view.   I guess I feel that if I were so important, I’d be worth the wait, and the effort.  He seems to want to “set me free”, wants me to be happy… but somehow refuses the idea that I wanted to be happy with him, even if it would have taken time.

   

  At least he was honest.  He told me he couldn’t guarantee his fidelity, because it’s hard not to have me around, and he can’t see the future.  He said he still refers to me as his girlfriend, but that the notion fades as each day passes, because of my absence, despite his respect and admiration of me.  To me, it sounds like a lame excuse, because I’ve had many temptations… but didn’t cave. I mean… our relationship has always been long-distance, this is just a couple thousand more miles, heh.  I still love him like he was still here.  I know for a fact he still loves me too, but his reactions to love are different from mine. 

   

  Maybe his definition of love is different from mine also… and in the long run, it’s probably a nobler one, in the sense that his feelings tend to be everlasting, and unshakeable.  He never stopped loving his ex, either, in the sense that there was always a respectful place in his heart for her, no matter how over her he had been.  It’s more of an unconditional thing… a deeply rooted respect and admiration of people that are hard-earned.  His heart is kind of like a graveyard that way… filled with rare testaments of people that have successfully touched him, which is no easy task, as difficult a person as he is. I’m going to be just another tombstone, soon, and sometimes I have no idea why I even bothered digging my own grave… because somewhere inside, I knew perfectly well that’s what I was doing.   

   

  My definition of love is more unrefined, I suppose.  It’s violent, it’s intense… it’s passionate.  It’s loyal and volatile, and while it is lasting, it can easily turn bitter… but it’s worth fighting for, no matter what.  It’s the chaos of a battlefield, where forces exert a tremendous will to live, to the tranquil acceptance of his graveyard.  I’m not sure how else to explain it.  (I’m more apt at describing things with metaphors, even though they’re not always that good… because words often fail me.)  But we are different that way. 

   

  Fighting for something you believe in, even if it’s tremendously difficult, for a lost cause even, or accepting the facts as they are without complaint?  Ash Ketchum, or Shinji Ikari? Hehe…  What is nobler?  What is more graceful?  

   

  At this point… I’m trying to figure out who is right.  And really… that’s not how I should be thinking, which proves I still have a lot of thinking to do. 

   

  No one is right or wrong in these situations, usually.  Just different… and only through experience can we determine how to figure each other out, I guess.   Small comfort… but it is a comfort, against the terrible flood of nostalgia I’ve been feeling lately.  It’s the memories that kill.
  

  
  

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

  • 11:36 PM
  • 91 views
  • 20 eprops
  • 17 comments