Tuesday, March 04, 2008
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Short and Sw... well, short.
I was searching for one of my old posts ( and consequently didn't find it, since I hadn't gotten into the habit of tagging, back then...) and came to skim some of my old posts, all the way back to last summer.
All I'm getting from them, aside from a deeply rooted love of sushi, apparently, is that I'm an extremely unsatisfied, somewhat depressive person, desperate to change, and trapped by her own lack of motivation. It's kind of a strange dichotomy. So dark and sad, and yet so hopeful that I can change, so full of potential and happiness just beneath the surface...because when I do put my mind to stuff, I actually do accomplish a lot. Still, makes me wonder if people really can/do change. Re-reading that stuff came to seem like beating a dead horse while listening to a broken record. Have I changed? For the better, anyway? If I can't tell... maybe it's because I should be working a little harder at it. Half a year is a lot of time to waste.
I also got from it that I've been through an extraordinary amount of pain in the past 6 months, over someone who really didn't deserve it, in hindsight. Life's funny like that.... the heart is so fickle and weak, sometimes, if you let it. While I don't want to excuse my lack of motivation, I suppose, however, that it explains it. But life goes on, and while I have made certain small changes... the big stuff's gotta get rolling too.
Anyway.
I'm not here nor there about all this... it was more of an observation, as I throw up my hands in semi-uninterested discouragedness.
What I wanted to talk about today was how I've been getting a lot of "flak" lately, for being in art. Not necessarily malicious or intentional.... but many people have been less than respectful of my career choice, of late.
From a random cabbie "worrying for me and my future, because there's no money in that stuff", to a roomate who tries to censor herself around me when she talks about how stupid her class art assignments are... I feel like what I'm doing isn't good enough, even though it's what I want to do. I even get jealous of my sisters sometimes, because they're apt enough for law and civil engineering. My dad's wet dream, in terms of what his offspring should be doing... though I appreciate that he pretends to be interested in what I do, sometimes.
Very strange. I get defensive about it all. Defensive why? Fuck them, right?
Heh.
I'm so tired of myself, right now. I'm going to be someone else today. Someone who doesn't give a shit about all these stupid things.
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Comments (24)
as long as i get from "rags to bitches"
+1 to anyone that gets that.
There's plenty of money in that stuff, and with your talent, you'll be just fine. Don't worry about it, Liz.
@philwithpower - I uhm.... wanted the +1.... but can't get it. Either it's some reference I haven't heard of, or something you made up, in which case, I theorize that you mean:
1) (yes, the lists are back!) It doesn't matter, as long as you come from humble beginnings, and end up crawling in women
2) Some obscure reference to menstruation... rags and bitches, I have no idea.
3).....................you're stupid.
@SUNG14 - hehe. Wanna be my manager, lol? ^_- Thanks.
@philwithpower - I have heard from rags to riches though, for the record.
my mother told me when i was little, that i can grow up to be anything i want to. sometimes i wonder if she is disappointed that i grew up to be nothing.
Yeah, you're a real downer.
lol
@McScarry - Thanks, that helps. hurhurhur.
Your roommate: I hate my you-know-what class because you-know-what is total shiiiit.
You: -_-
Your roommate: What's the matter, Liz?
You: Suck my you-know-what.
You depressive. I can't see that. You seem like such a wonderful upbeat person. I do think people can change. Whether its a good change or a change for the worst, only time can tell. Sorry to hear that you've gone through so much pain in this last year. Unfortunately sometimes life comes with its trial and tribulations. Personally I think the bumps in the road of life really suck. (but I don't know a sane person that thinks they are fun!) On the whole subject of your father wanting you to be something else like your sisters. Remember your not your sisters what might be good and grand for them is not necessary good for you. Plus you need to blaze your own path in life. If are forced into a decision that you did not make on your own then what are you actually learning in the end? Sorry I tend to ramble sometimes. By the way nice use of "dichotomy", I was slightly impressed. ;) Anyways have a great day!! God bless!
-AnubisWerewolf
I think that's part of the challenge of growing up that we hold, commit and stay true to our dreams regardless of the doubts* of those around us, even those who are closest to us. Art or anything creative and non-conventional is not as valued in "the socially acceptable way" as is the "money-making" professions such as that of being a doctor, but ya know that's why people are different -- to create and manifest different possibilities that others have not done yet.
Since your path has not yet been a path forged, there's no "guarantee" of success, but I think to go with the old adages, "it's the journey not the destination" and "when there's a will there's a way." Though, I have a funny inking you will succeed.
I've read you for a while and I haven't been able to understand why I keep coming back. I figured it out I can relate to you and the struggles and challenges you have, you're like a mirror for me.
*Isn't it funny how the doubts of others become our doubts. You ever listen to the song "She" by Green Day?
I use to think like that too. I think every artist does, and one of the most painful realizations for me is understanding that my vocation is not as a visual artist. I don't particularly suck at drawing but I have no real motivation to get better, and I think one of the tell tale signs is if you can work on something but not be able to tell when it's "done". I never had that doing art. When I'm writing a piece can range anywhere from an hour to three days for me to finish, and there is a point where I can definitely say it's "finished" after looking over it and revising it. This process can be anywhere from ten minutes to a week, but whenever I decide so it's certain. I feel way more comfortable with words, but it just sucks knowing I can't do both, and there are some really talented people out there who can.
I want to talk to you more about comic book stuff but I dunno how we could keep up regular conversation because I'm assuming you don't have AIM, but don't get discouraged about the path you took. If you're having second thoughts it's no big deal, and if you know it's definitely what you want to do, then don't even think about second guessing yourself. I use to think the same way and I could feel a lot of ways people looked down on me in the church I grew up when the older congregation looked at me and thought, "That's Deacon Lee's son... He got into Dartmouth and refused to go. Instead he went to art school when he could've been a lawyer..." When I met people in my church now who weren't assholes I realized my choice is right. There are people who are 35 that are jealous of me because I have a gift that they wished they had, but they don't, so instead they work as consultants and accountants. They enjoy their jobs and they're content with their life, but they don't judge me because I don't make as much as them, and don't you dare let anyone do that to you either.
Don't commit suicide on me or I'll kill you. After you kill yourself. However that works.
You can do it!
P.S. I has second thought -- maybe others' have doubted us (in the past), but we are now doubting ourselves and the world is reflecting our self-doubt.
P.S.S. Make yourself happy -- not others and the rest will follow.
I mean P.P.S.
@jaeyounglee - Well... I want to thank you for your thoughts, seriously. These are things that I myself, at times, am convinced of, but these times have been a bit trying, and I lose my conviction, sometimes. It's nice to hear it from someone else. I just feel like I'm not surrounded by people who understand the whole "creativity" thing... so sometimes my place feels blurred. Anyway... I'll try to keep the journey in mind a little more, and hopefully accomplish something worthwhile. ^_^ Thanks.
@crown_of_thorns -
I uh... wouldn't contemplate suicide, not to worry, and thanks for the concern, honestly. I'm sorry if I sounded that downer-ish, aheh. Just been having a lot of doubts lately... but it's nice to hear from a fellow artist who can "get" the struggles we face, being non-conventional, if you will. I actually do have AIM...I don't use it that much since I'm more of an msn person, but I can try to add you. ^_^ It'll give me reason to come online more, eh? Thanks again, seriously. I really appreciate the insight.
@still_somewhere - Yeah, I'll give it the ole college try, heh. ^_^ Thanks.
you. me. sushi buffet.
ryc: nuh uh! nuh uh! i know you rub sushi, so why knot?
you can be DMV, but i don't know if you're spiteful enough.
@shdware - Yeah... tried it... but the starchy suits were too much. Gave me a rash.
it never ends... trying to improve oneself and asking why it takes ages and if it is done properly. How does one live with oneself?