Wednesday, April 09, 2008

• It don't mean much... emo level 10, fair warning.

  I've come to realize that a large part of my day has come to revolve around the internet.  At first it was about distraction from my brain-numbing job... and in fact, the reason I began blogging so much was for lack of anything better to do.

  But now it's a habit, an unconscious addiction... and I wish I had something better to do.  My life lacks luster, the scintillating quality I always thought I'd find, eventually.  They told me not to do nothing... but to be proactive while I wait.  I'm sick of waiting, and doing things I don't care about.  Even when I work hard, even when I give a damn those precious few occasions... it doesnt' fill me up.

  My life thus far has been nothing but wasted potential.  I'm 24 years old, I still don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going... hence all the work I do is towards nothing at all.   The internet, for example.  I preciously upkeep and cultivate a presence that, if it suddenly disappeared, no one would really give a shit about.  No one would really wonder that much where I'd gone.  But I do it, because it's easy, and it temporarily makes me feel happy.  But really, it means nothing.  If I stopped blogging or posting art tomorrow, it wouldn't matter.  I keep investing in things that don't matter.

  And what about experience?  Fuck experience.  Wasting time is what this is.  And yet, when I think about it... if I had all the possibilites in the world... I have no idea what I would do.  And as you grow older, those doors close without you even knowing they were open to begin with... and I find myself slowly being backed into a corner, trapped by my own lack of motivation and indecision.  I do everything half-heartedly, because in all sincerity, half a heart is all I have to give.  I don't feel passion for anything, really.  It disgusts me.  I digust me.

  I don't like it, but ironically, I think that in the end, I'm going to be to much of a hedonistic lazy bastard to do anything about The Future.  So really I have no right to complain.  But it's all the same.  I get down, I whine, then I kick myself in the ass and try for a while, nothing happens, and I get down.  Back to square 1, do not pass go or collect 200 dollars.

  This is why I don't drink, or don't do drugs.  I'd be doing them as much as I'm doing Xanga.  Anything to distract me from the idea that my life in general is a lovely melange of being broke, going nowhere fast, and getting old.  A pointless causal loop. 

  There's no meaning at all. 

  Sure, it's not bad all the time.  I mean, I find solace in my friends, my loved ones... smaller things, and it ties me over.  But I'm tired of the idea that this is all there is. Small things that, as you get older, you don't have time to notice anymore.  I feel like I've been waiting for something BIG all these years... something that would change my mind about things.  Is growing up figuring out that nothing like that exists?  Is the only true satisfaction in life derived from within?  Because if so, I'm already tired of trying to make one.  Forcing your own purpose is so goddamned hard, and I'm so tired of not believing myself when I say "it'll get better".  Why is it that I don't allow myself to give up?  I want to, so very badly.

  Seriously, God, or whatever the hell is up there, around us, inside us, whatever.... what's the plan here?  Are you even here?  Am I really going to be doing this on my own forever?

  Tell me what I'm supposed to do, I'm all out of ideas.

  ________________________________________________________________________________

  EDIT:

  BLAH BLAH BLAH.  Yeah, I know.

  I already feel stupid about this post.  But it just proves my point.  Causal Loop FTW. Ugh.  Someone get me off this ride, I wanna go home. 

  Also... I've been reading some blogs, and I have a random grammatical comment to make.  I hate it when people spell "villain" "villian".  I've seen this more times than I can count.  So many times in fact, that I began to doubt the actual spelling of it.  But no.  It's VILLAIN, you poor, air-wasting idiots.  Your stupidity is hurting me.  Also, for the record: it's BREATHE, when you're actually doing it.  The verb is breathE, with an "e" at the end.  Not "breath".  That's a noun.  A NOUN.  So when you "breathe", you're taking a "breath", you "villainous" ignoramuses.

  Your ignorance makes me even more emo today.  Jeez.  Think of the children.

  *pelts grammatically-incorrect audience with staplers and other blunt office supplies*

  ...also... who the HELL recommended this piece of cr... I mean, thank you, hehe.  ^_- 

   

  • 9:19 AM
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