Thursday, May 15, 2008

• Goodbye to you, again. 

  I hadn't thought about you in a relatively long time. 

  I say relatively, because I used to think about you everyday.  Lately it had gone down to about 5 or 6 times a week, instead of the 5 or 6 times an hour it used to be.  Basically, I've been getting better.

  I'm getting better through the tragedy that is forgetfulness... that ironic deliverance that only the passage of time, erasing us slowly but surely, can bring.  Not remembering how we were, what we were, was the only cure, and my mind was almost clean enough for me to finally be free of you. 

  I heard about the earthquake.  While I'd like to say I thought about you instantly, just because it sounds so hopelessly romantic, in a way,  I didn't.  Like I said: I was getting better.  I'd almost forgotten you were a world away, living your life without me and with someone else, having chosen to do so without a second thought or regret.  Because really, it had always been about you, and always would be.  I was a fun tag-along for a while, wasn't I, but I had forgotten my place.  I'd blame this feeling on bitterness, if it hadn't been so true.

  I'd also almost forgotten how much I had felt for you, period.  All kinds of things; powerful things.  Love, anger, hate, resentment... all at almost uncontrollable levels. There was a time when missing you felt like my body was being torn apart, like I was falling further into darkness with the passage of every day.  I had forgotten how much you had affected me for that relatively short time in our lives, like a vivid dream that barely feels real anymore, despite all the tears it had pulled forth.  It feels like waking up, now... and crudely trying to grasp at the remaining shreds of a nightmare, to try and understand why I feel so empty, sometimes... but nothing ever makes sense.

  But yeah, I heard about the quake, and a few days later, I sent you an email, for the first time in 3 or 4 months, I can't remember.  Things hadn't ended well.  I'd told you I never wanted to speak to you again, and really, I don't, as nothing good ever comes of it anymore, knowing what I know about you and me.  All the same, for all the times I said it in a fit of rage, I never wished your death, so I sent you a short, distant email.  I briefly asked if you were alright, if your family was.  You replied as shortly, saying that you were, thanks.

  And that's all that remains.  A few lines exisiting in the netherworld of internet.

  I couldn't help but remember, suddenly and intensely, the last time I saw you.   It was like suddenly being bowled over by an unexpectly rough wave, while standing on the shore of some deserted beach, fogged in forgetfulness.  The cold splash of memory, the salty sting in my eyes like the rivers of tears I had cried for you.  I had cried for days before you left, even when you'd still been there, your presence a beacon of that unspoken countdown.  And on that fateful morning, around 6 am... when I realized they wouldn't let you back through the gates at the airport...No movie could have outdone our dramatic goodbye.

  I remembered yesterday, that feeling of my world shattering around me.  Of feeling like I was going to fall onto the cold floor, and never get up again, no matter how many people lugging their suitcases would roll over me.  I didn't care anymore.  I didn't care enough to resent those people around who were going on vacation, who were smiling with delight while you walked away.  Your direction paralelled mine for a while as you smiled at me solemnly, and then disappeared into the crowds beyond where I couldn't reach.  A metaphor to the whole damned relationship, really.  We crossed paths for a while, and you left, just like that.

  Most of all, I remembered you smiling, and I remembered wanting to die because I couldn't reach it anymore... couldn't touch your lips, ruffle your hair, or adjust your glasses... couldn't simply have your face next to mine anymore.  Oh yes, more than anything I've ever wanted before, that morning when you left, I wanted to die, to stop the pain I was feeling.  And I say this not to be dramatic... I say it because it was true.  Pure and simple.  Oh yes, it was unhealthy, but it was the most real connection I have ever felt in my life, regardless of the burden it must have been to you, unwilling to receive it.  I didn't care.   It was real, honest, undiluted. 

  To think it's all been reduced to a few cold sentences on a page is almost hilarious.

  To think such emotion was granted to you is definitely hilarious.

  Because you never appreciated it, not really.

  And that's the comedy of life.

  There's always one person who gets kicked in the face, always one who feels more than the other... and the most intense experiences of our lives boil down to words on a webpage, and foggy, half-formed memories of vague, passing moments of emotion we can't exactly pinpoint.

  It all boils down to forgetting everything, and making new memories, which will in turn be forgotten.  Which in turn MUST be forgotten.   My sister will have to begin her process today, as her and her boyfriend part ways.  I feel for her.  Because nothing will make it better, except forgetting.  And forgetting takes a long, frustratingly long time.

  All of these things... the earthquake, my sister... even the gentle rain this morning reminded me of you, despite wanting to forget.

   

  I'm glad you're not dead, even though sometimes I selfishly think it would be easier.

   

  I'll forget soon enough though, all over again.  I'll justify all this by hating you all over again, because yeah, you really were an asshole, despite how I felt about you.

   

  Soon this rain will pass, my sister will be consoled, my boyfriend's black hair won't remind me of yours anymore, like it did yesterday for that brief, frightening instant.  And in fact, you're already beginning to disappear in his shadow, as cruel as it may sound.  I don't mean it spitefully, though.  I'm sure your new flame has had much the same effect on your memories of me, if at least, they needed erasing.  Somehow, I doubt they were even that meaningful to you, but that's just the bitter heart talking, so I'll quiet it, for the sake of this rainy day.  

  But the real truth is, soon, you'll fade away like the clouds, and I won't miss you at all.  

  Today though, I grant you a few passing thoughts, and a heart heavy with nostalgia.

   

  I'm looking out my window right now... and I already see a patch of blue up there.

   

  So goodbye to you, one more time.

   

  • 10:02 AM
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