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| i can't do much but be honest. what's the use in pretending?i've stopped journaling.
the only reason i crack it open now is to self-abuse. it's amazing how hard i can make myself cry by calling myself names in my own head and writing them down.
it's strange to realize that i am actually addicted to self-injury. when i'm not picking at my skin or cutting, i'm verbally accosting myself. it's bringing me down, sort of.
it also helps me survive, i guess by validating my own anger with myself. i commit these irrevocable crimes all the time, every moment, and i can't stand it.
it took a few days to fully sink in, but i know my heart is broken knowing zach really can't forgive me for bringing him down with my own misery.
i don't mean to be sad. i don't want to be. i just am, and i don't know why. i've started to attach that bull label of "i have a condition called depression" to help explain myself.
i know it means nothing, i know i'm just me, but i use it to make myself seem more normal. maybe my condition is my own psyche. genes. environment. nature vs. nurture.
being a better person seems so faraway and impossible - changing, i always take two steps backward, and i'm a hypocrite with every word i say.
i want to get back to that place where i was actually making a difference. i feel like all i'm doing is making myself unlovable.
rejection hurts so much.
i'm completely and utterly selfish.
i'm starting to think God can't forgive me. maybe that's why He usually seems like He's not there, and i'm alone.
-kidd strange
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| i am so SICK of this 5th consecutive year of crap.You know you're depressed when other people's happiness makes you livid.
but honestly, right now, i don't care. i wish everyone was miserable like me.
GO KILL YOURSELF.
-kidd strange
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| we've been waiting all our lives
for Things we've always had
but have no eyes to see...
-kidd strange
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| 1. today i've ultimately discovered that boys, in fact, are human.
2. life is stagnant, futile, and boring unless you fight everything tooth and nail. i plan to.
3. finally, i've found someone i can trust who trusts me.
-kidd strange | | |
| i changed the way i live. every day i find myself living a little bit differently.
i want to figure out what's most important in my life. i always find i have to re-evaluate my priorities and re-center myself on what i must do.
i'm writing music and prose, taking pictures, have almost enough for a new nikon.
i want to be saturated in God. i crave that everlasting Love that i understood so much more when i was innocent. it's a strange and frightening realization to know that for certain things, the more knowledge you acquire the less you comprehend. i talked to Him today.
relationships this year are so important. i want to be more honest, true, devoted. i realized i like writing cards. i still have no idea how to act in public, but suddenly i know almost everyone and my mouth starts speaking at the same pace as my brain, and people think i'm funny.
i listen to all music. i own 382 songs on my itunes. i stick with certain musicians, see how they've progressed, try to find the good parts in everything, and if it's too negative i discard it. i got rid of some of my metal that way. i've been accepting avril for who she is and noticing that, contrary to popular belief, she's barely changed at all.
i will drive everywhere, i will see my cousin, who gave me a kiss, sticking her head through the car window when i left, and i never realized she loved me as much as she does until now. she did just the right things to prove her love to me. she knows me incomperably well. i need to absorb every little thing from my grandmother's mind into mine before we go our seperate ways for a while. she's my earthly foundation. i've never loved another human like i love her.
same with zach. don't tell anyone, but i'm in love with him. i always act like i'm always annoyed with him. we're in love with each other, and it's so awkward and messy and wrong and beautiful and perfect. it's just this thing, and it was meant to happen, and it's happening. however, everything ends. everything ends...
i don't really need anyone because i think i've learned with time to be able to live with close to nothing. however, i want to share so much with so many people. i need to love people.
i feel like i really need to be a better person, not so secular, more loving.
oh God, am i doing okay? i'm really trying. can You see me?
-kidd strange
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