| |  In nearly all my dreams as of recently, there are always paper stars in my hands.
My last dream with paper stars was in a room; everything was orange and warm. I sat across from my best friend Johnny folding paper stars, putting them into a large glass jar that reminded me of art class in 8th grade. In fact, I have the exact jar in my drawer, empty and clean. I wore a white dress and was barefoot, with my hair down and longer than it is in real life; he wore a white shirt and jeans. The pillows we sat on were the only things on the hardwood floor, and the windows with the sun streaming in were wide open. We folded stars in silence, at a loss for words. When I finally opened my mouth to speak, he stood up quietly. "No." He headed for a door that didn't exist and I started to cry. When I looked in the jar, I realized I was the only one folding stars, while he had been tearing up the strips of paper to form a small mountain. When I touched the pile, it also disappeared.
I also frequently dream about cutting my hair more often. Cutting it on the bus, cutting it during class, cutting my hair in the middle of that open area in the science wing on the way to AP Bio class.
I've only lost one person important to me, and I'm scared more people will leave.
Luckily Johnny's still there for me, but we can't talk often because of different schools.
Meanwhile, there's you, two days older...what did I do wrong? I think about that everyday.
That time I visited you and you refused to talk to me after I waited two hours outside for you to be dissmissed makes me want to take anything I did wrong back.
Nothing's wrong with moving forward, but why do we all go in different directions?
Why can't I hold on to you for a little longer? Our silences grow longer when we talk on the phone, online, everywhere. In middle school, we had so much in common. But when we went off to different high schools, you closed yourself off to everyone but a few. I'm scared that if you don't open up, if you don't get a push out into the world, you'll stay like this forever. No matter how much you change on the outside, you haven't changed at all inside. Now our interests aren't as similar...I miss that feeling when we always went into Sanrio. If I could hold on to the rush of euphoria while we stood waiting for the bus after the concert...
After talking to Scott about how I'm amazed at the fact that he's never really been to the city, I realize that the one place I'm truly familiar with is here. Suddenly, after years of working to get out of here, I'm scared of leaving. It came to me quickly, when I was riding the bus. Of course, I don't know where I'll go for college, but more than half the schools I'm applying to are out of state. I'm making more friends here, and I hope I can still come back. (It goes back to the fear of losing people I love.)
I'm already worrying about plane ticket prices, hah.
"
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of foing under.
Instead of going under."
Good times, good times.
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| | Posted 11/27/2007 9:34 PM - 23 views - 3 comments
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anyways, perhaps going out of state will lead you to truly "cut your hair" i dont mean like cut ties with people and stuff, but to cut off and break away from the old inhibitions and the like that always kept you from pursiuing what YOU wanted and not what cruel twists of fate dictate. also, losing peopole... about that. some people, you can always pick up from where you left off with them. others you cannot. and maybe they'll fade away. who knows. but if there are people who are actively trying to keep in touch with you, like writing the occasional letter (college gets busyyyyyy =((((((((( ], phone call (you better have a cell phone when you go to college missy), xanga blog comment, facebook comment, etc. then those are keepers because they value your friendship. although sometimes, it doesn't hurt to take the initiative to let other people know that you really do NOT want them out of your life =))
good luckkkk. if you neeed a buddy to talk to, i got yo' back. good luck on scholarship app.s too! and the common app (is that due soon? i never did it so i dunno....)
and those are not seagulls of d00m. they are seagulls of p3ac3. they like people and not their foodz :D