| | Ashes, ashes, I fell down again.This is the last time I'm going to blog in a while. I'm starting to notice my 2-week cycles of depression and happiness. I can see it so clearly it hurts. So I know it's impossible for me to say that I'm going to just drop blogging on a whim, because I'm done doing things on a whim.
I have work to do, so this is the one vice I'll give in before working my way to where I want my life to be.
First of all, I'm going to do things bit by bit. I've been pushing myself too much and it makes me do even less work, so I've got to stop fiddling my thumbs making layouts in my "spare" time and get to work. The layout I made won't go up until I get my life in order in the next week.
For once, I'm relieved it's finals. That means I only have to worry about my Calculus homework and studying, which means I can go back to how I was before at home - the good daughter, the obedient daughter, the one who wasn't up in the clouds with dreams of escaping.
After the big fight earlier this evening, when I woke up with a headache, I'm finally starting to realize NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. So little by little, I will stop caring so much, or at least stop showing it. I am not ashamed of my concern for everyone, but allow me one little selfish action and let me give you a taste of your own medicine. Be grateful, damnit, and if you aren't going to be grateful, don't expect my kindness in return. You get what you give, bitch.
This doesn't apply to my family. I'm going to give up the hope that my family will ever return the love that I have for them. They don't care if I'm working my ass off, it's only the results that matter. Dishes aren't done, my sorry excuse that I was studying won't cut it. My grades are poor, my pathetic explanation that I tried my fucking best won't fix that grade. It doesn't matter if he's a hypocrite, if she's got anger problems, if he's someone I sometimes wish was never born, I can't change that they are the biggest part of my life. I have to give something back, I cannot have my own life unless I include them in it somehow.
Also, if Jason won't fucking listen to me and tries to shove his ideals in my face, I'll deal with it. My recent ephiphanies of the meaning of life don't mean JACK SHIT to most people, so I'm going to start keeping it to myself. If you don't want me to help you, if you insist you're doing it right, fine. I listen to YOUR advice, and I try, and sometimes it works. Others aren't like me, needing just a little love from the right people to move forward. Strangely enough, this time it was a lot of fucking hate from people that pushed me forward.
I'm going in the wrong direction. Up is where the rocks at the top of the cliff will fall and bring me down.
So that means I'm going to do as much housework as possible before 7pm, then start homework.
I made a promise to myself that I'd take a shower by 10:30, and it's almost time, so I'll stop. |
| | Posted 1/19/2008 10:38 PM - 30 views - 0 comments
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