珊瑚海

海平面远方开始阴霾 it begins to become gray at a far away place on the ocean plane
悲伤要怎麽平静纯白 how can saness be tranquil and pure white
我的脸上 on my face
始终挟带 still holding
一抹浅浅的无奈 a bit of shallow helplessness

你用唇语说你要离开 you use your lips to say you have to leave
( 心不在 ) you heart isnt here
那难过无声慢了下来 the sadness slows down without a sound
汹涌潮水 the turbulent tide
你听明白 you understand when hearing
不是浪而是泪海 it's not the way but the sea of tears

 转身离开 turn around and leave
( 你有话说不出来 ) you have words you cant say
分手说不出来 cant say break up
海鸟跟鱼相爱 the sea crow and fish love each other
只是一场意外 it was only an accident
我们的爱 our love
( 给的爱 ) love given
差异一直存在 difference existing all along
( 回不来 ) cant come back
风中尘埃 the dust in the wind
( 等待 )waiting
竟累积成伤害 unexpectedly accumulates into hurt

转身离开 turn around and leave
( 分手说不出来 ) cant say break up
蔚蓝的珊瑚海 the sky blue coral sea
错过瞬间苍白 missing the momentary paleness
当初彼此 at that time you and i
( 你我都 ) you and i both
不够成熟坦白 were not mature and honest enough
( 不应该 ) shouldnt
热情不再 the passion is not there anymore
( 你的 ) your
笑容勉强不来 smile cannot be forced
爱深埋珊瑚海 love is deeply buriend in the coral sea

毁坏的沙雕如何重来 how can the devastated sand carving be rebuilt
有裂痕的爱怎麽重盖 how can love that has cracks be convered up
只是一切 it was only that everything
结束太快 ended too fast
你说你无法释怀 you say you cant set your mind to rest

贝壳里隐藏什麽期待 what expectation is hidden in the shell
( 等花儿开 ) waiting for the flower to blossom
我们也已经无心再猜 we both already have no mood to guess
面向海风 facing the sea wind
咸咸的爱 the salty love
尝不出还有未来 i cant taste waht future there still is

all i ever wanted was to see you smile.

time to say goodbye.. without any friends on here it seems like im writing to no one.. it is a blog.. i have nothing great to say because my life isnt as exciting as others.. the same old daily routine.. nothing great happens until the weekend. same old. so im going to take my ass somewhere great in life.

school started, old friends drifted and i no longer consider them affiliates or in my class. cold? dont give a fuck.. in the end i got fucked over. i saw two of my hunnies today.. made me a little happy.. i dont usually get to see them until the weekend. killed a whole pack of cigs.. and now i sit at home listening to the same song.. over and over again like theres something missing in my life.

earlier in the day..

bryan: meemo.. why do you always hang out with them..
me: who..?
bryan: your hunnies.. you know im homophobic..
me: why.. you know khoa..
byran: everybody besides khoa..
me:.....

that question has been running through my mind why... i finally got it..

because they are all i need. they dont beat around the bush.. tell me what they like.. tell me what they dont like.. and the best part is.. our personalities. they are blunt like me. we tell it how it is. i love my hunnies.

how do you know when you just love somebody.. and how do you distinguish if you're in love with somebody... i've never had a friend with benefits.. but i was just asked today if i'd like to be one.. which is funny.. because.. 4 years ago.. i had a huge crush on the guy.. but he stepped up in my life and took care of me.. acting like a big bro to me.. so i eventually let that crush fade away and we had this little mutual relationship of loving each other by watching out for each other and taking care of one another in a non-intimate way. he never gets this way.. i dont know whether its appropriate to feel disrespected..come to think of it i've never seen him with a girlfriend. and i've never heard him talk about any girls.. but you know when you look at somebody and they just give you that vibe... or its just their look.. you think in your head.. oOo they aint a virgiin.. and 99.9% of the time you're right... so i believe him.. despite my opiniated vibe that was screaming.. NOT VIRGIN. anyways... this whole incident just puzzles me.

i feel stuckkk.. the one i wanted was far too busy and had a life which is acomplished. and i understand that his daily grind is to maintain his sources of income and manage his private life while trying to fit me in... it gets difficult; but i aint angry. he texted me today... he always texts me randomly.. but the candle has been blown out for a couple weeks now.. i dont think we'd get anywhere.. i'd like us to, i just dont see it. meanwhile this one guy im least attracted to is there to always give me attention when i want it... always texts me and calls me to see if i want to hang out.. asking me when can he see me.. he's cute.. but far too egotistic for my level... that just kicks his cuteness out my fucking door.. i always shut him down.. always tell him no.. its starting to irritate me. i got an idea of what i want now.. he's just so far. the distance is just killing me softly. reality is to my left.. and my pyschological.. mental world is to my right.. and i stand about right where they meet... stuck in between..

after debating about dating both ladies & gents.. i decided i want neither. if i jsut move on to lovely ladies... i'll be the one paying for everything and i'll be the only one thinking simple minded... i cant deal with meaningless drama.. i rather be married to a gay man.. while we each have our own sepparate lives. but if im 30.. and i have no husband.. and my friend has no wife.. we're going to get married and have kids. lol.

if that fails im going to start building a portfolio of professionally taken pictures and get myself into the modeling industry. its going to be beautiful. i'll be the first model who runs that block. im going to eat what i want.. when i want. and weigh.. how ever much i desire to weigh. if that fails.. it will be okay because by then.. i will have had stocks shares invested in. and money in the bank. i'll move. and recreate a name for myself. i'll be up there.

just a soul whose intentions are good.

During a busy Christmas break at work it was a couple hours before closing. A white man comes in with his family. a lovely family I thought. Working along side with me: Aranza and Angel -- who are visibly trannies. Jenny -- young adult, Filipino. Max -- a homosexual. They order their food and sit down. Busy cleaning and restocking, the husband comes back to complain. "Is there anybody else I can speak to?" I thought, hmm.. must be a food complaint. I grabbed jenny. he says,"You know when I bring my family to the mall, I expect to be served by beautiful people. People who can speak proper English. How am I going to explain what those things are to my kids? Why did you hire them? They shouldn't be here in the first place. Is there anybody in here who can speak properly? Who do I talk to, to get them out of employment? My wife is very upset." Left with tears in our eyes. Jenny tried to defend us by telling him about equal right of employment, that there is no discrimination against anybody who would like to work for this company. She asked him plenty of times to,"Please stop yelling." It seemed like the tables turned and she was the one fighting to look for an exlpaination as if she were in grade school trying to get out of a detention or getting a referal. I swear you could literally feel the hatred steaming out from his ears and attacking each and everyone of us. I look over to this man's children who are not even full white. How does that entitle him a say in anything about us. I watched them leave their trash on the table and leave the store glaring at us.

While living with my old roommate for some reason we always got complaints from the neighbors. First off, let me give you some background on us. He is gay & Vietnamese. We tend to always have friends over who all have a car so the parking lot is constantly full. However there are plenty of other neighbors who have their friends over as well.. so we thought it was alright to have ours over too. Right? We had received complaints about noise, us taking up all the parking, smoking. I've heard stories from the nice African-American woman who lives on our right of how she is being harassed by the Russians to the right of her complex. Which is something I never, never understood. Until one day my roommate tells me he found human feces thrown at our door. It was smashed into the peek hole and put on the door knob. Our African-America neighbor found out and told us,"They just want you guys out. They just want you out so that their family can take over your unit. One by one they go knocking us down. We have to learn how to stick together; you watch my back I watch your. Everyday when your friends come over and you see one of them sitting outside writing...? They are counting.. counting everybody that goes in and out of your apartment. Really my child, who are they? Who are they to do this to us. who.. are.. they?" Ever since the complaints I would smoke in the street on the edge of the sidewalk. Hoping to earn some type of respect from these Russians. Every evening the husband would walk to the mail boxes to get his mail, and he would always.. always walk past where I am smoking, and rudely mug me while making sure I see him strongly cover his mouth and nose. Now let me tell you, there are two other ways he can avoid me to get his mail. Who goes out of their way to make somebody else's miserable? Their hatred seems to be never ending.

Good humanity to me, is helping one another disregarding race or color. But this family, and people like them, they rather speculate before they informate. You know.. spec before check? Meaning I much rather you talk to me first see if you can learn an opinion.. before you make one. That is just my thought of good humanity. To those damn neighbors.. you don't know me. so, if you're not going to try to.. then what you say or think about me or what ever I do, is totally just cast as a ghost to me and it doesn't make you a good person to criticize before you improvise, it doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, but those characteristics formed heavily into bad ways. So with that said, I don't fault you.. you're only human, good or bad. But I also don't respect you. And I don't care if that is good or bad.

got too much reality filling up my brain.

sometimes i catch myself contemplating about how life was good to me.. but how you just made it better. and what i appreciate & love the most is the way you are able to stand by me through any kind of weather. i catch my feeting moving beneath me, but i dont want to run away, i just want to make your day  when you feel the world is on your shoulders. no matter what it is, just  tell me and i will do whatever.

"it feels like nobody ever knew me until you knew me
feels like nobody ever loved me until you loved me
feels like nobody ever touched me until you touched me
baby, nobody, nobody until you"

i thought i was adicted to you just after one hit. i guess you never know what you're missing until you get everything you needed. thought if i let you go i'd be a nobody. i'd never thought i would feel all the things i've felt once before. i wasnt even looking for someone, until you.

good song.. shayne ward - until you

worst road rage ever..

I'm a very kind.. generous.. & careful driver.. ok.. I understand people got places to go.. and sometimes everybody is rushing... here are the things that piss me off the most .. man..

1. people don't bother to signal.
come on.. be fucking courteous.. the fucking signal is literally two fucking inches away from your fingers.. really?! can we talk about it?? I especially hate it when people think I know that they want to merge in my lane when I am about two seconds away from hitting their rear bumper. if you want to cut me off, and prefer not to use your damn signal, PLEASE BY ALL MEANS do so.. but please, make sure you're one to two car lengths ahead of me.

2. can you read speed limit signs?
really... the sign says 45 mph but you choose to go 30... I would rather get stuck at a fucking red light because I know I cant go anywhere.. I don't care if you are old, cant see well, or a new fucking driver. if you're insecure about being in the road, get OFF. and if you have eye problems, get glasses.. contact lenses anything to help you see better, but in the mean time.. stay off the road. oh, you were on your phone? then park somewhere and talk. if you want to talk on the fucking phone while driving learn how to hold the steering wheel with one hand and the phone with the other. these signs up for you are just suggestions buddy. 

3. tailgaters.
okay, first off.. I should be the last person to be fucking tail gated. but really if you fucking push me.. I'll stomp on my fucking breaks and go the damn speed limit so you learn your god damn lesson. REALLY? and if you keep tail gating me I'll hit my breaks. I can understand if you really need to get somewhere, but sometimes in life even I cant get past the person who is in front of me. CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT. and I thought I had a problem with road rage. ever heard of patience?!

4.  its time to merge...
its traffic time.. the highway is packed, some lanes end.. meaning people have to merge. NOBODY is going anywhere, yet some people insist that they have the right away to be first, and they don't let people merge.. WHERE IS SAYS TO FUCKING MERGE. be nice on the road.. I'm sure it'd be a better place. for real. even if you cut me off, you cant go anywhere, you might as well be a good citizen and let people merge in front of you.