|
| Going Home Most of the people who read this will already know what I've got happening over the next month but for those who don't; here it is. I'm heading back to the north east early on the 17th. I can't say any specific place because I'm still setting up interviews and don't know where I'll end up. It could be NY, CT, MA, or NH as I have interviews scheduled in each of those locations. Life is certainly not boring. | | |
| BetterWell; I've only had one intense dream since the last entry and it was simply annoying in the end. I went for a run, which I can't wait to do, and when I got to the end my water bottle had a massive dust bunny in it. So I woke up, got some water, and I was fine. I think that sleep really is my spiritual battle and I started praying Proverbs 3:24 before I went to sleep and I think it helped: "when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."
Maybe it was a who am I fear. Everybody says that when you're in college you're supposed to figure out who you are supposed to be and what that means for the rest of your life. I know that I love God, I know that I really enjoy investing, and I know that I want to give lots of money away. Beyond that there are a whole lot of question marks. I don't really know where I want to live; although I know what an ideal day would consist of. I know that I want to get married and have kids but if I'm asked to describe her, the best that I can come up with is that she is really alive. Not that she has a heartbeat and she is breathing but something far deeper. Sometimes I even wonder who I'm supposed to be. Is it being two-faced to act differently around different friends or is simply adjusting to other people?
When you're doing things for yourself life is so much more dull. There is a general childlike joy or joie de vivre that some people exhibit more than others and I certainly light up when I see in anyone and that I think is a good part of the being alive but the greater part of this is being submitted to God. Those questions did not really matter when I was doing things more of my own strength but came out more as I came alive. This might give one reason to be angry at God if this was all that came with submission but oh, there is so much more.
More things have happened with Moxie Capital, my dream job for many years, since I stopped traveling along what I believed was the fastest route to it. I still do not know where I am going to live physically but I know that I am going to live all of my days in God's presence. In God I also know who I am and that I am not being two-faced by only talking Red Sox and Yankees with my friends back home because 99% of the people out here find it boring and 1 person would be very angry with my opinions on the matter. I may not know who she is but man is she amazing! She loves God with all of her heart and is most certainly alive! I worship, worship, worship you Father. Worship makes life easier; man I love God's presence and all of His blessings. I thank you for your Word, your Holy Spirit, and for the amazing friends that you have allowed me to know.
You are my strength when I am weak,
You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my all in all.
Seeking You as a precious jewel,
Lord to give up I'd be a fool,
You are my all in all.
Jesus, Lamb of God - worthy is Your name.
Jesus, Lamb of God - worthy is Your name.
Taking my sin, my cross, my shame,
Rising again, I bless Your name,
You are my all in all.
When I fall down, You pick me up,
When I am dry You fill my cup,
You are my all in all. | | |
| Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear!Fear: an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight)
Nightmare: a frightening dream accompanied by a sense of oppression or
suffocation that usually awakens the sleeper or (formerly) a monster or evil spirit believed to oppress persons during sleep.
As you can probably tell by the above this will probably be the darkest entry that I've ever made and definitely the most revealing/personal entries as well. I'll be honest, probably one of the most verbose as well. It feels sort of weird being here after the past couple entries and this is certainly no plea for help but I would love any prayers.
Most of you know that I have rather vivid and realistic dreams quite frequently and 99% of the time they are quite fun to experience and I even have full control over myself in them but the dreams were not always this way. From before I can remember, according to my parents, until third grade these dreams were horrific nightmares 5 or 6 times a week and although I was set free of that when I was prayed for by a minister sleep has always been hard for me. For the past 3 weeks or so it has been extra hard. I've only been able to sleep a couple hours each night and most of the time the sleep has been accompanied by nightmares and frightening periods where I could not control them.
I guess I sort of just ignored it for a while but its getting to me; I'm tired. I could not fall asleep for the longest time last night and when I did it was for an hour of battling hideous demons only to accidently kill one friend and see the two people who could save me from being mutilated deciding that they were meant for each other walk off together. It was not too restful. Back home I would go for a walk on a woods trail behind my house and just pray but I don't have that spot here in Tulsa. When I need to get away from it all there is nowhere to go; I need a hike, camping, a night with more than 5 stars out! The amazing thing about stars on a clear night is that looking at them draws your sight the farthest from where you currently are.
The question is what is causing it; why am I being tortured, driven mad by illusions of the mind? Why would I be a perfect example of the second definition of a nightmare? What decides to show me with virtual reality of my body slowly fading from view, of cats being used to explain why I'm still single, of sleeping with a friend(Who will definitely not be reading this entry and is not really engaged) who was engaged and being caught by my father and her fiance, only to spend hours terrified, being torn apart by everyone, and wondering what possessed me and then left me to deal with the consequences? Then I wake up in the fetal position and later that day buy new pillow cases due to tear stains; just like when I a young child. The answer to all those questions, in my opinion, is fear.
The two most common fears are fear of death and of public speaking but they have never frightened me and certainly not any more over the past few weeks. Inadequacy is a common fear and maybe the fact that I put on weight and got out of shape while recovering factored in a little because it was 3 weeks ago that I was lectured for jogging and told that I might be damaging the graft. That might account for some of it but if I'm honest its probably simply the thing that I've feared more than anything as long as I can remember. This is really the one place in the entry where I'll exercise restraint as those who know me best know what this is and I really don't want to reveal something like that for anybody to read.
So why is it back; why is it rearing its ugly head? It has been brought up by people who care about me in a way that they would like to see me free of it but my mind does not need much to go crazy. The battlefield of the mind and once again I am losing. My biggest fear involves failure of a sort and maybe its just because I see success all around me or maybe its the fact that I have not even tried to conquer it in almost a year because the pain of failure is so great. I'm not afraid to jump out of a plane, to start a business with less than 1% of the capital experts say is necessary for success, $1 trillion dollars disappearing in one day does not bother me, but something that people accomplish every day, that God promises us, that I want to accomplish so desperately, scares me to the point of sleepless nights, terrible nightmares, and whimpering like a child.
I feel better after writing this although I know some of you don't hold Teen Mania in the highest regard this cd and specifically this song transport me to one of the best times of my life; to a month where I did not even think about my fear. The Bible says that perfect love casts out all fear and while I know this to be true and can even laugh at some irony I think it is important to read the second half of 1 John 4:18. "For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." More on that love stuff...this is one of those moments where something that you've read a million times means so much more. God knew what was going on and He gave me the answer 6 nights ago. I think I'll brave Turkey Mountain tomorrow.
| | |
| Worse than the rat race"I couldn't bear to think about having to go back to a law firm for the summer. I knew I hated the law. I hated litigation. I hated corporate work. I hated proofreading documents. I hated being a toady to others. I hated working for miserable, mean partners. I knew I would never last."
This is Jim Cramer's description of life after experiencing a few months of doing what he loved. I've been shut down on several job opportunities lately and I think part of the reason might have been lack of enthusiasm. Studies have shown that when rats run through mazes to find the food they learn the paths pretty quickly and when the food is moved they will seek out new paths. Human beings, however, will continue going to a job that they hate instead of seeking out the true goal. If you're doing something that you hate then work is simply 40 years of serving time. I thinks that rats would probably despise the human race more than humans despise the rate race.
With this in mind I will no longer be a student at the University of Tulsa by this time tomorrow. I disagree with 90% of what they are teaching me and what I do agree with I find so elementary that it offers no value to me. I'll be looking for a job to simply pay the bills; which sounds like simply going to another "prison" but the important thing will be starting Moxie Capital on the side. I'll be shameless here and mention that if anybody knows anybody with money who would like to earn a better return then I would love to talk to them. I will also re-make my guarantee that if anyone will invest just $5,000 with me, they will be able to retire comfortably in 40 years. The mere thought of Moxie Capital makes me feel so alive!
| | |
| Love SongIf it let me my currently gaming would have been the NES Mike Tyson's
Punchout but sadly NES isn't in the system. That has absolutely nothing
to do with my post but due to the fun I'm having playing it it must be mentioned. The real point of the entry is a bit on love just a little late but with a thouroghly enjoyable and enlightening experience coloring things. I screwed up; despite the stuff of the last entry I screwed up. This just serves to say that I'm human and I love/live imperfectly.
That being said I think that I'm channeling a bit of David; worship just seems so sweet. I don't know if this is unique to me but after 5 or so minutes of worship I just sort of lost control. I couldn't sing, I couldn't move, I couldn't open my eyes, and due to tears I had to change my pillow sheet. All I could do was experience a love song from God. I'm tearing up now again just remembering it. It was sort of like a virtual reality, slide show, movie of first just how amazing creation is, of His joy at the special moments in my life, and the crawling up in His lap like I mentioned in the last post; I actually got to do it!
All along I heard: I love you my child, I am with you, you are beautiful, you so important to me, so valuable, and so worth it. I love you, I'm proud of who you are and who you are becoming. Don't worry and don't fear. I love you and I have everything planned out and an special place in it for you.
Think about that; God can't stop thinking about how much He loves us! Tonight I had communion at life group and the leader talked about how as the body we are participants in the suffering and the triumph of both Jesus and the other members of the body. When we are happy God is so happy and his heart breaks when we are in pain. So, love. I'll be honest, when things are going badly for me it bothers me far more then it does when something is going poorly for friends and family and I enjoy personal happiness more than I do the happiness of others. I always wondered what love was; I had read about it, I had seen it, and I had desperately wished for it. The truth is simply that love is taking on the troubles of someone else with the same vigor as you take on your own and celebrating the joys and triumphs of others just as wildly as you would celebrate your own. I still don't know where I'm going but I have to agree with God; I love who I'm becoming because who I'm becoming is Him. | | |
|
