| from joe weil's blog...found here originally...
On Pride and Hearing God Speak
In my religious community, when we prepared for our Saturday evening
Eucharist, I always got stuck with being the one to say the offertory
prayers. The Neo-Catechumenal way to which I belonged when I lived in
Jersey has a liturgical practice distinct from the usual Catholic mass.
The readings are the same, the consecration of the Lord's body and
blood is the same, but we sing songs composed by the founder of the
movement, "Kiko" (he is a painter and flamenco guitarist), we bake the
eucharist ourselves, it is true unleavened bread (not a wafer), we do
not kneel in the mass, the altar is in our midst and we surround it,
the altar is decorated by us with fresh flowers, and the sign of peace
is given at a different moment in the mass. The readings are "prepared"
and echoed by a team, each reading is preceded by an admonition from
one of the members of that team, and after the Gospel is heard, anyone
in the community who feels moved by the spirit may "echo" on the
readings in concrete, non-preaching terms as to how one of the readings
relate to his or her experience. After all the echos have been heard,
the celebrant/presbyter-- always a priest-- gives the homily. At the
conclution of the mass, when the priest proceeds out, we perform a
dance around the altar. Often the priest will return to join us in this
dance. We begin by holding hands. It is a sort of four step, very
lively. Afterwards, we sometimes have an "agopi" (Love feast) during
which we eat food, drink wine, and occasionally sing songs.
The
service lasts as long as two to three hours, but I have never been
bored. Once a priest said to me: "Joseph here we do not exist in time.
This is a taste of the heaven we long for. Here, there is no hurry.
Rest on the body of Christ and be refreshed." He didn't have to tell me
this.
The songs we sing are directly from the catholic New
Jerusalem bible. We are in full conformity to the church teachings. The
Neocatechumenal order was founded in the slums of Madrid. Kiko, an
affluent Spaniard who studied with Picasso, was inspired by the second
vatican council. Taking only his guitar and a bible with him, he went
to live in the gypsy shanty towns of Madrid where he proclaimed the
good news to the poor. He was joined there by Camine, a former nun and
physicist who shared a similiar charism. Their first community was
comprised of gypsies, prostitutes and poor laborers. In some respects,
the whole thing began because of a pistol duel. In the slums of Madrid,
men would have duels to maintain their honor. One night, one of the men
who was about to duel the next morning said to Kiko: 'What does that
book of yours say, Guitar man?" Kiko opened it at random, and the words
were: "Love your enemy. Do good to those who despitefully use you." The
next morning,as the two men squared off to shoot each other, the one
who had come to Kiko layed down his weapon, and raised his hands palms
up. He said: "I have given up my manhood, and I stand on the manhood of
Jesus Christ. If you shoot me, I forgive you. Forgive me for whatever
sins I have committed against you." Both men embraced and began to
"walk" (follow in the foot steps of Christ). Since that time in 1967,
the way has grown to over a million members in countries all over the
earth.
Anyway, whenever I was on a preparation team, I always
got stuck saying the offertory prayers. Most members write down what
they are going to say, but I prefer to rely on the spirit. No one likes
to do the offertory because it is not as free structured or integral as
giving the admonitions. It comes after the echoes. No one will be
inspired by it to speak from their experience. Tbe offertory consists
of a four part structure: 1. Prayers for the leaders of the church. 2.
Prayer for the leaders of the world, and local leaders. 3.Prayers for
the destitute and those who have fallen away. 4. Prayer for the
community.
It is usually very cut and dry, and may go something like this:
Lord,
we pray for our pope, all his bishops and clergy that they might be
filled with your spirit of love. Lord listen to our prayer."
(The people sing "Lord, Listen to our prayer" led by the cantor-- yes we have a cantor).
Lord,
we pray for all world leaders, and local leaders that they may be
honest and wise and help bring your justice to the world. Lord hear our
prayer.
Lord. we pray for all those who are hungry and homeless,
for prostitutes, drug addicts, and those who are out in the world
tonight committing acts of violence. MAy you lead them to seek your
love and mercy. Lord, hear our prayer."
Then the final: Lord we pray for our community that we might serve you and not ourselves. Lord hear our prayer."
It's not a chance to preach or say anything inspired. Being the ham I
am, getting stuck with the offertory every preparation hurt my pride. I
felt I was not considered worthy of the admonitions. The team leader
would say: "Ava, you admonition the first reading, and so on and so
forth, and then: "And Joe, you're doing the offertory." Once I beat him
to the punch and said it before he/she could open his/her mouth: 'And
Joe, you're doing the offertory."
I felt bad about my lack of
enthusiasm. Christians never tire of reminding each other that the
humblest jobs are the greatest blessings, but the human being in us,
secretly says:"bull shit." We want to make a difference. We want to be
heard. No one really listens to the offertory because it is automatic.
Plus, in my community, as with the Fransicans, anyone can offer a
prayer before the celebrants at the conclution of the official
intentions. I would liken it to a poetry reading where no one is
listening to the feature because they are thinking about what they will
read in the open.
Anyway, this bothered me. My hatred of doing
it bothered me. I am a poet. I get payed to speak. I'm fairly good at
it. Most of my brothers and sisters were poor speakers and pretty much
admonioned in positive- hall mark greeting card terms of christian
platitudes. I saw how deep my pride was, and I realized this was
exactly why God had relegated me to this lowly position: to show me
that I didn't speak for him. I wanted to be inspiring, a great
speaker, the guy with the golden, spirit inspired words. He had given
me a gift for gab, and I had used it to massage my own ego. After many
hours of prayer on this matter, I came to realize what a great gift God
was giving me by thwarting my pride. I know it sounds assinine, but in
the middle of my daily prayers, I began to weep, and I asked him to
forgive me for my venality, for my failure to serve him. Sometimes, in
deep prayer, or when I am in crisis, God speaks to me. He told me:
'Remember that time you were drunk, and so far removed from me and
empty to the bone, and you went to the church at two in the morning,
and rang the rectory bell and begged the priest to save you? It ewas
right after your father had died, and you were so miserable, and the
priest threatened to call the cops, so you spat on the ground, and
swore you would never step foot in a church again-- that they only
liked nice, law abiding middle class people and they could not abide
the poor unless they did a cheap immitiation of the well behaved middle
class? Remember that stupidity?" 'Yes Lord." "Joseph. you were a self
rightous prick then, and you're a self rightous prick now. Do you think
I care about your eloquence when it is only to serve your pride? Do you
think even the best admonition in the world will do any good if my
spirit isn't in it? The words mean nothing without the spirit. I love
you. You are my self rightous prick. I call you by name: You are my
prideful, self rightous prick."
God speaks from the depth of
our hearts and my heart is filled with words like "prick." God knew how
I'd recognize him. I said: "So what should I do?" God said: "Volunteer
to do the offertory. Ask for it the way you would ask for a drink of
water if you were dying of thirst. Be honest about yourself: you're a
concieted man, an ignoramus, but that doesn't get in the way of my
loving you, and I know you love me for all your faults. Also, listen to
the admonitions of your brothers and sisters. Stop thinking what they
say is so much cliche. Do you think I care about aesthetics? I'm not a
poet Joseph. I didn't come to serve the American academy of Poets. I
came to serve the vulgar, the simple, the tacky, the Cahtolics who
mistake the bible for a course in positive thinking. I came to serve
Republicans, and middle class twits. And by the way, you are a bit of a
middle class twit yourself. I'm not like you. I'm not full of hatred.
Do my offertory with the same interest you show when the good looking
girl wears that ass hugging dress to the service. And stop phoning the
offertory home. It doesn't matter if they aren't listening. I'm
listening."
So the next time, I did the offertory, I prayed hard and said:
Lord,
we pray for our pope and bishops, all our clergy, especially those who
have sinned against you and comitted acts outside your word. We pray
that you take away our indignation, our pride, and outrage at their
sins and that you let us help the priests do the job you called them
for. Lord hear our prayer.
Lord, we pray for our world leaders
full knowing they are power mad, and corrupt, and that we are timid
sheep who let them get away with murder and injustice. We pray that we
can begin with honesty instead of bullshit, and admit that, given the
same power, we'd probably do the same bad things. We are at your mercy,
and we have failed both to lead and to serve. Lord hear our prayer.
Lord,
we don't pray for the homeless, or the sick, or the mentally ill, or
any prostitutes since we do our best to make sure we run whenever they
show up. They are terrible pains in the ass, and ruin our pleasant
faith and we love to feel superior to them as we pray for them, but
maybe we are in worse shape than they are. So we pray for the morally
upright, the law abiding citizens, the rich and successful, the good
looking and well taken care of. We pray you makes us willing to be
annoyed and troubled by the poor and that we really see what Jesus saw
in them-- the grace of not hiding because we are all so far away from
you, and we are bleeding to death. They are a sign of our true
condition. We're all in deep shit. Lord hear our prayer.
Lord,
finally we pray for these two communities. We pray that we don't
mistake being christian with being moralists, and prigs, and positive
thinkers. This world is a toilet and we are no different than all the
other turds, except that we know we are turds and everything we do that
is good comes from you-- not us. Forgive our pride, and our smugness.
Forgive us for merely tolerating instead of loving each other. For this
we pray."
My offertory prayer was full of pride, and it was
aimed at the whole smug procedure of prayers for others that we just
say automaticaly. For all its unorthodoxy, it didn't scandalize a
single member. They had long ago realized I was a nut job, and was
likely to say anything, and they weren't really listening anyway. But
maybe they were because the next time I prepared, they didn't ask me to
do the offertory. I volunteered, and they said: "Joe, you always do the
offertory.. why don't you give someone else a chance this time?" I went
home and asked God: "Lord. why did you let me do that? The more I
wanted to be humble, the less humble I became. I prayed with my
pride." God laughed and said: "if pride is all you have to pray with,
why would I take it from you? I will use whatever you let me use--
including your faults. In fact, your faults and sins are all you have
to offer me. Everything else is mine."
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