Work?

What's a guy to do to find work here in Mich?   This is friggin weird!   160 applicants for one job, I'm one of 10 interviewed and didn't get it.   Ready to change careers, but where to turn?   It really is nice not havin to go to work, but the money's gonna run out sometime.   What to do?   I dunno right now, but it will find me, whatever it is.   Yoga helps a lot to stay calm and focused, and the poetry reading last week was a step way outside the comfort zone, and I loved it.

Ugh!

Swamplands

The swamplands of this soul.   Bogging me down up to my knees.   Feeling like there are hands beneath me, holding my ankles, my calves, and as soon as I break free from their grasp, more hands grab hold.   When I have no more strength, I fall into the swamp thinking it is okay to rest there because I am tired of trying to get out.   I pour the rum and turn on the music.  Alone in my swamp thinking it feels so good to stop.   It does feel good, oh so good.   The stress washes down and away, the worries of having to now find a job are gone, the feeling of absolute aloneness feels so good.   When I lost my job three weeks ago, I lost part of myself.  15 years at the same place and now unwelcome there.   This ego has been hit from every direction and each hit is a simple lesson to let it go.   After letting so much go in my life, why is it still so challenging?   Hell, it should be a well learned lesson to move on, but I am not there yet.  I am close, but still learning.    This morning was another letting go lesson.    She emailed last week asking if I had the photo collection that her dad had made.    Yes, of course I still have it.   He had nothing but his memories of his life, and he memorialized it on the walls of his apartment and I knew she would want them someday.   This morning I went thru the few other things of hers still here.   She was a wonderful cook and loved to cook italian recipies, mostly those handwritten ones from her mom, grandmother and aunts.   I went thru the papers.   Two written on napkins, others yellow from the twenty years of sunlight on them.   I went thru another drawer that I had not opened in months.   That was a drawer that I could not let go of the contents, but had to do it today.    The vows from our wedding, the once in a lifetime expression of the deepest of emotion, devotion, dreams of walking grey haired hand in hand 40 years from now.    It was all there and I had to sift thru it all.   Pictures, letters, notes and cute little i luv u's.   I sat and remembered.   Tears dripping from my cheeks trying to see if I was still in any part of it.   Was it my past?   Yes, I had lived it, but the feelings that were there years ago, feelings of being loved, of having someone, of being cared for are nonexistent now and I only wish I had it again, but am grateful for having at least had that love in my life.    Also in the drawer were many unorganized photos of my daughters when they were younger.   It was all so much for a sunday morning, but the rest of the day is ahead and it will be a good one.   Going to help my brother work on some things.   I feel so much better just being around people and getting out of the house.   This will be a good sunday.   I will listen to Ekhart Tolle, A new Earth, again and it will help.    Yeah, when my ego gets out of check, then I'm guilty......

Been a while

Wow.  Didn't know it's been so long.   Lot has gone on.  Kinda lost the inspiration to write and express anything.   More than three months.   Maybe now there will be more expression and true freedom of being free and one with self.  Was a wonderin, was a hurting and wanting and not knowin.  Still not sure why, but sure glad it came togeher the way it did.  Nothin now and bein ok with it all.....Yeah, it's all good....

Sunday, so far away......someday......

Feelin a little weird.  Dropped off the girls..   Just wishin I could really play and make somethin of this....

You’re there, off in Brazil,

With no time at all to kill.

But,

Through the heart of the vine that holds you,

You wish it would stike for the thrill.

You now feel the air,

You can now stop and stare.

You can breathe free,

And feel it all without a care.

You feel the convex,

The curve of the earth.

You are so far away,

But the terror of return

Is a heavy weight in you,

You need the wisdom from inside you,

To show you the way.

Use who you know,

To guide you along the way.

He or she is not yet truly known,

Find hin or her, and you shall see what may.

Be…..

Speed bump?

What the phuck happin’d???   A strain?   A torn tendon?   Come on!!   I can’t friggin sleep!    Arm in a sling.   Medication to numb it?   What the………………?   Not me.   Someone close.

Oh so different from even a few weeks ago, let alone a few months ago!    A little lost right now.    A little….not, scratch that…Completely unsure of the future when stopping and takin a peak.   Just thinking, ten more years, and I can be in the Tawas Harbour on my 44’ Marinette.   Wake up around 8, drink a little  coffee, and think about what I want to do today.  Not too far off, but…Can I get there?   Like a little kid, with a  dream of the future.  

Yes, Mr. Hollis.   The shadow has power we cannot imagine.  That power, when seen clear, can also be channeled.  We can bend and eventually break under it’s power and be led in our lives with rings in our noses.  Sure we can.    But jumping to the flipside…we can see each moment in our life with the power behind it from our past and feel a new drive, a new motivation that is familiar.  We see the many times from the past that it feels as if we have either gone back in time, or that time has become nothing.  Yes, nothing.  Instead of feeling and thinking of ‘time’ as a line that we are progressing on, time doesn’t even matter.    Like when on vacation in Florida and the sun on you on the  beach, with the sound of the waves putting you in that transe with the warmth of the sun, unlike any moment ever experienced.   Then you have brought the past to the now, the gift, the present.   You are who you have been, but most importantly, you are, exactly who you are right now, with that past vivid with you as the main character.

Finally tired.   To sleep like I did new years eve!!   To know that tomorrow is the next chance to prove it at work.    ….Yeah…finally tired!