Who put the brief in debrief? When we arrived at our destination for our debrief session, one of our counselors-to-be was fixing the busted blinds in the doorway. The first thing we commented to each other was that, apparently, the missionary life doesn't end on the field. We were referring to the resourcefulness of cross-cultural workers who are often without the proper tools and/or a budget big enough to get them. "What?" I asked, "No duct tape?" So, really, our debrief started the moment we walked into that doorway with the broken blinds. We had an insider knowledge of life on the field and we were there to talk about it with people who could understand. We would get the chance to reflect on it, outloud and freely, with people who promised confidentiality and a knowing nod. We would then ask ourselves what in the world (both literally and figuratively) will we do with that now? I obviously can't relay all six hours of our conversation, so I'll share the critical points, which mostly revolved around the actual project we were hired to do. Our counselors asked us whether our plans got carried out. Just to be asked "whether" is an indication of the realities that happen all the time on the mission field - likely your plans either "failed" or were re-directed - and the personal way each missionary struggles with that. I was surprised when J-M spoke up about his disappointment in the project, how a lot of the things we'd hoped for didn't turn out. Although we were constantly trying to submit to God's plan and practice patience, it still hurt to come back with things "undone." I hadn't known J-M felt this way. I thought it was just me. Had he told me and I wasn't listening because I was dealing with my own disappointments? In any case, I could see now how he was hurting too over some things. It reinforced to me that we were in this together. This is the point at which I though, "Hey, I think I'll recommend this counselling thing!" I got my chance to speak, of course. I tried really, really hard not to interject when J-M was expressing his love for our sister church in Ghana. I wanted to tell our counsellors stories about everything. I did my best to cut myself off, but it just flowed out of me. As if I was resenting giving my Saturday up for this! I needed it so badly. I've been feeling tired lately. It seems that our Ghana project has been (will always be) at a slower pace than I'd prefer. I feel like I fight with it and pull it and all those efforts often come up empty - we haven't sent a team since 2006, Pastor Charles' visit to Canada was cancelled, and it is a continual struggle to try and communicate well with Ghana, even though we spent almost two years learning to do just that! I wanted to dwell on those disappointments and get the pity party going, but then I'd get excited about the way our partnership *could* impact those who would just choose to participate. I think of how TOTALLY WORTH IT the ride would be if only people would jump on the bandwagon! If only! Then the counsellors asked me if there were some things I should let go of? "Like what, the disappointing parts? or the desire to push people harder?" What about both. Initially this revelation almost knocked me off my chair, but I kept arguing - and it felt so good to be doing that with someone and not just in my own head - that I may very well be the glue that's holding this thing together. If I let go, there's no telling what could happen. Well, it turns out that's very self-centred of me (came to that conclusion myself, thankyouverymuch, when I said it out loud) and I almost forgot AGAIN that I am God's fellow worker, not his manager! For a brief second, I imagined completely quitting Ghana. I tried to envision the reaction from my church family, from Ghana, from God. And, guess what, I discovered grace: God allowing me the rest and my church family picking up the pieces. And Ghana? Well, she felt relieved that I'm finally letting God be the one in charge. I had one little bit of fight in me that went a little something like this: BUT there's the issue of the promises we made to Ghana. From the moment we landed at Kotoko Airport and met Pastor Charles, Brother George and Brother Fred, the reality of our partnership agreement weighed on me in a way that signatures on paper never would... and that feeling only got stronger the more we lived among our Ghanaian brothers and sisters. There were real faces, real hugs, real smiles, strong accents, even stronger personalities. They cut their hair twice a month. Here were there children, their customs, their food. They introduced us to them all. Plus the traffic that frustrated them, the corruption that deflated them, the system that manipulated them... They had met too many people who had made empty promises, but here they were welcoming us warmly anyway, hoping we meant what we said. What do I do about that? The counsellors said that letting go doesn't mean I'm off the hook. I must remember that God's in charge and yet he has placed the burden on my heart so that his will can be accomplished through me. Moving forward with that understanding makes ministry a joy instead of a burden. So, it turns out I'm completely "normal" because almost every believer struggles with this! God assures us he has a plan and we demand to know what it is instead of resting in the confidence that it's taken care of. This distracts us from living out his will day-by-day. Why is this lesson so hard to learn? That little bit of knowledge introduces a whole new energy into my "work." I now want to proceed with expectancy of the things to come and work diligently on the things set before me. As for whether I have integrated well back into this culture, I subscribed to Stuff White People Like, so I think I'm doing A-OK. | 
