Currently Listening Get Behind Me Satan By The White Stripes my doorbell see related

wow i hope no one reads this.. i haven't written in months so no one prob checks this anymore.  i just need somewhere to vent!!  i just need to say that i miss hulda like none other.  i never want to get out of bed anymore because i know it is just going to be another day where i don't get to see her.  i know that it is just going to be one more day where i am just going to cry at simple things.  so many things remind me of her and it just breaks my heart all over again.  and i can't get it out of my head that maybe if i hadn't gone on vacation and had just stayed with her then she wouldn't be gone.  or maybe then i would have been able to be with her when she passed.  and i can't help but feel bad that i am so torn up over losing her and i don't seem as upset about losing my grandma.  i can't even talk to my mom about hulda because i feel heartless that her mom/my grandma just died too and here i am depressed about losing a grandma figure.  but she was my bestfriend.  and i can't look past that.  yea i have other bestfriends, i just got dinner with grant and nick last night but i couldn't help but think about not being about to see hulda or being able to tell her that i had fun last night.  the poor guys though.  they know something is wrong but didn't ask and i haven't told them that she's gone. and to whom ever i am writing to, don't tell them.  nick even asked me about her last night and i just talked about her like she was still here and kickin'.  sigh.  but it is just not the same without her, and it never will be but what can i do.  i just wish i could go where she is (assuming that she is heaven).  i just don't think that i am going to make it there.  i have tried for years to be on the "straight and narrow" but i just can't do it.  i give up.  i wish my mom would just give me space too.  she is so pushy with church and stuff.  (i know i am going to sound like a teenager when i say this but oh well)  i am practically an adult and she needs to just let me- ME decide what i want to do.  i understand that she feels "responsible for my soul" as she says but she doesn't see that it just pushes me away even more when she "talks" to me about it.  sigh.  another sigh.  idk i just need to work through some things and it is just going to take time.  i lost a lot of people lately that i was real close to and i don't know how else to handle it.

i would also like to add that if someone is reading this.. i am fine and i mean this in the best way possible but i don't want this shared.  i haven't written in months because stuff that i write is taken the wrong way so lets just keep this between us.thanks