Monday, May 05, 2008

• When I started talking to my doctor, she said it would take a few months to figure out how my body is going to react to the treatments.  For some, they could feel bad the first few days.  Others could take a few days to feel bad.  Still others could zip right through it.  After 4 treatments, I think I know how I will react.  Here's what has happened the last few days (and each of my treatments):

  Friday- treatment day.  pretty boring but it wears me out.  i come and sleep hard core.  sometimes it's just a few hours and sometimes it is until saturday morning.

  Saturday- usually wake up feeling pretty decent.  i go to abigail's game or go play golf or something.  then around 3-5 my stomach cramps start.  mild at first.  nothing i can't handle.  this leads to a not-so-good night of sleep.  i wake up around 2-4 and am awake for a few hours.  i pray.  i read.  i watch sportscenter.  i try to poop.

  Sunday- cramps get worse and i'm pretty tired.  i lay around much of the day.  i take a nap and just try to sleep through the cramping.  it feels like someone punched me in the gut.  right below my ribs.  a perfect gut shot just to make sure i'm paying attention.  another night of broken sleep, prayer, reading, trying to poop.

  Monday- still cramping and feeling rather blah.  if i go to work it's several hours late.

  Tuesday- i start feeling better.

  so this is my schedule every other week for another 4 months.  it's starting to wear me down a little emotionally.  i cried this morning in the shower.  no real reason.  just the thought of the chemo and cramping and the meds and the whole thing.  it wasn't like my post-mini cry, but it was a good one.

  i am realizing more and more how weak i am.  but i take comfort in that.  this is not just my battle.  it's not my story.  it's the story of Christ and i'm just a small part of that.  His suffering was so much more.  and His strength is what i rely on each day to make it.  to get up.  to battle on.  i am working on memorizing scripture to help in the battle.  below are a couple i want to get....

  Psalm 91:9-10 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, 
  my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; 
  my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak.

  2 Corinthians 12:8-10 I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

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