“I don’t want to miss a thing;” those are words Asperger’s-afflicted songwriter Diane Warren rendered cliché in an Aerosmith song.  Incidentally, those words also encapsulate my obsessive devotion to random television programs.

Although Larry King no longer even cares about the names of his guests, I always watch CNN every weeknight at 9 PM.  Because if I missed "Larry King Live" a few weeks ago, I would never have caught Larry grilling the two biggest closet cases in Hollywood, Kevin Spacey and Bryan Singer, about the sexuality of Superman.  I imagined those two nervous nellies breathing a collective sigh of relief as Larry followed "What about the gay rumors surrounding..." with "Superman?" and not "you two?"

It's also the same reason why I watch Sylvia Brown on "The Montel Williams Show."  Sylvia's psychic intuition basically sounds like it was authored by some eighth-rate Fantasy Fiction writer.  For instance, whenever you think she's talking about the Magical Kingdom of Narnia, she's actually referring to heaven.  And I'm always amused by Sylvia's candor.  Like when she frankly tells a despondent guest that her missing sister is dead, all the while starring blankly, curling her tongue and digging the freakishly long fingernail of her index finger into her forehead.  And then she'll do a half-assed attempt at consoling that guest by relating some metaphysical mumbo-jumbo double-talk.  But I guess my fixation on "Sylvia Brown Wednesdays" is most eloquently expressed by sound bites of this random girl on YouTube.

This has been the same motivation behind my loyalty to "The View."  I don't particularly care for the panelists (except for Joy Behar) or the show format, but I know that if I miss an episode, I risk missing a moment in daytime television history.  I’m eagerly awaiting the "Hot Topics" segment that turns ugly and prompts all the ladies to pull off their earrings and scratch at each other like cock-fighting chickens.  There's no way to be certain which day that will be, but I want to be there when it happens.  ‘Cause I know that shit’s going down like Hamlet.

I was there for the ladies' recent encounter with Sandra Bernhard and it was well-worth it.  And even though I missed the show when Star Jones announced her departure, I know I'll definitely be there when Debbie Matenopoulos, the original deposed co-host, guest-hosts.  Maybe that tragic finale I foresee will be sparked by Debbie’s return.  And just in case it is, I’ll be tuning into “The View” bright-eyed and bushy-tailed…waiting for the games to begin.