If only I knew…the problem was I did know. We both knew it would come to this day, and I guess if it were up to us, neither one of us would be willing to make the move to end it. But having a relationship end on anyone’s account except our own is just cruel. We both knew our fate, but still you can never be too prepared for heartbreak, can never really guard yourself from the pain. What we probably didn’t know when we first met was how deeply attached we’d get. Neither one of us expected it would get this far, and neither one of us expected we’d fall in love. Both of us started out a bit iffy as to whether we were even ready for a serious relationship. So I thought I could handle it, I thought I could pull out whenever I needed to. I tried to ready myself for the day when it would end, by trying to distance myself, by trying to find all the flaws in our relationship that would convince myself that it wouldn’t work out in the long run. But over time less and less of that mattered, and when I saw how much he had changed for me, I truly thought that there was nothing we couldn’t get through if we tried. He’s not perfect and neither am I, and I’m sure he was annoyed that I was constantly mentioning how flawless my ex-bf was. But at the end of the day, he is the one who captured my heart despite the flaws and that’s what makes it so real. I always wanted a butterflies in my stomach, crazy in love sort of relationship where I didn’t have to think about practical things- like if he would make a good husband, or if he could support a family, or provide for me in the future…all the things that make thinking about what love is so disenchanting. I thought just to be with someone based solely on feelings and nothing else just once would be enough. I guess my wish was granted so I can’t complain that life is unfair. Although I don’t think I’d ever be able to replicate this feeling, the feeling that comes only with this naïve young perhaps even immature kind of love. The problem is, we grow older, our hearts becomes too mature, too serious, too realistic to ever experience this pure form of joy as time passes. It’s a feeling I want to hold on to so badly. I love the feeling of loving him. I wonder if we stopped talking long enough, if we would forget what made us love each other in the future. I don’t want to forget.

            I remember he once told me not to forget to write about all the good times we had, and not just the sad moments- or else I wouldn’t remember how happy we were. So here goes: I will never forget the first time we went skating, how clumsily I fell as soon as we stepped on the ice and how he made me feel so safe holding my hand and guiding me through the ice, and that sexy half smile he shot me from across the rink when I finally tried to skate on my own. I will never forget our winter picnic in central park that was nearly sabotaged by the wild dog. I will never forget how he made me shameless about PDA- the only guy that would make a girl sit on his lap everywhere and anywhere we go- in the subway, at movie theaters, at restaurants or got me used to the habit of kissing each other at any given moment, no matter who was watching- be it little kids that go ewww, old chinese grandmas who shake their heads disapprovingly, or teenagers driving past in cars that shout out “get a room!” I will never forget how cute it was when he tried to “plan” a date. I will never forget how sweet it was when he napped on my lap at the park, how serene it was and how I wished we both could have closed our eyes and never wake up from this dream. I will never forget how comfy it looked to snuggle up against him when he slept over on the couch at my house. I will never forget his adorable puppy eyes when he was playing with the puppy at the shop and looked at me. I will never forget so many many more memories we have together and most importantly, I will never forget him. I once said that there was no point in participating in a relationship that you knew had no future, but if only I knew that love could feel this blissful, I would have said it was worth it. And If only I knew it would be our last day together that day, I’d walk with him another 20 blocks, hold him just a bit tighter, and kiss him just a bit longer.