Currently Listening Home By Sevendust see related

Always Uphill

My battles always seem to fought uphill,
nothing is easy, nor has it ever really been.
I make things harder for myself,
just through my own general insecurities,
my inability to let things lie.
My mind wanders far too easily, never landing on happy thoughts.
Or if they do, they quickly melt into something more depressing.
Not only this, but my subconscious even plots against me,
Just last night, over a month since shed dumped me, i dreamt of her again.
Im just awful at this letting go thing, my mind thinks shes coming back.
I keep saying i dont want that, and im fairly sure its true,
besides, the fissure between seems to grow by the day, im just delusional to have such thoughts.
But if i didnt i wouldnt be me,
it wouldnt be an uphill battle to recovery if i could forget quickly and leave things alone.

Moving on from my problems with the past, we come to my present situation.
how can there possibly be an uphill battle to getting a girl who likes you to date you.
Seriously, how does one make that difficult? The answer, you have to be messed up.
Im about 100% certain she wants to date me, and yet i cant bring myself to ask.
im just scared of how this will turn out, i like the girl and dont wanna lose her.
I dont have the best of experiences with dating and staying friends.
Ive managed to do it like once, ever. Not a good ratio if ya ask me.
Im also fairly certain that if we fuck things up, or i fuck things up,
that im gunna crumble and fall into my shell.

Its been a while since ive collapsed like that, but i nearly did when ellen dumped me.
The only saving grace was a willpower ive slowly gathered through the years,
and a massive amount of support from my friends.
Without either of those htings, i dont even wanna think where id be.

But past the depressing crap, i feel stronger now then ever before,
the moments of weakness are fewer and less powerful then i can remember.
I can think of these things, and not start to get overwhelmed.
Im really beginning to think that i cant truly be stopped,
i may never be happy, or at peace, but ill never be stopped either.
I long ago stopped searching for happiness, if it comes so be it, but i aint holding my breath anymore,
i decided to be defiant in the face of all, be an arrogant, sarcastic ass till the end.
So far ive held up my end of the deal fairly well id say.
Do i think ill ever find happiness, or that one special girl?
No, i dont find it likely, or even that remotely possible.
But i havent quite given up hope i suppose, just stopped waiting for it too happen.
So in the meantime, between here and happiness or death,
I plan to continue to be an arrogant, sarcastic, defiant ass till the end.
I really dont feel like i can be stopped anymore.

Yea, ive been feeling a lot better then i can even remember.. not exactly happy yet, but definitely beyond content. tho i cant let things lie, and i cant forget her, and i cant man up and ask a certain other girl out, im still going strong.. very strong.. im feeling like an unstoppable force.. i mean losing a girl like ellen, completely and totally. prolly wouldve killed me last year, literally. but not, it slowed me, gave me second thoughts, but i had the support i needed.. i came back stronger then ever, defiant as ever, and as big of an ass as ever.. I was never sure id see 20, and now, well fuck, i plan on seeing 100.. only God or the devil himself can strike me down at this point.  

Breakdown

Im working on a complete mental breakdown,
my mind is just crumbling and i dont know how to handle this.
This girl means so much to me,
she says she doesnt want to hurt me,
but as the days pass i become more certain thats what she plans
Its not that i think shes avoiding me,
its more like shes just not enthusiastic to see me.
Last semester she would have been estatic to see me, have me sleep over.
Fuck shed even ask me to sometimes, but not anymore.
Its less that she doesnt want to see me,
and more that she doesnt really wanna go out of her way to see me.
If its slightly inconveinent for her, im on the back burner.
but if it turns out that she still wants me, and this is how she expects the relationship to go,
shes fucking crazy. I need a girl that needs me, or at least brightens when shes with me.
last semester and over the summer i had that girl,
but i dont know where the fuck she went and its killing me.
She keeps saying maybe, most likely, and probably,
but never definately or of course.
Its like she has to see what happens to decide if she wants to spend time with me.
and in my eyes thats fucked up.
i cant handle this type of a relationship,
im too mentally weak at this point.
i no longer have the strength to endure such a rigorous relationship.
I know i cant lose this girl, but i also cant afford to stay in this relationship as it stands.
One of us needs to change, and im hoping to god its her,
Cuz otherwise we are done, and im not sure how ill react to that.

To put it simply im a douchebag who cant figure out why his girlfriend isnt so attached to him. im sure its because she has a different time of emotional attachment to people. i need to see them and hear them to believe that they are real. otherwise im sure that things are going to hell, ie almost everyone of the most recent updates. she may be the person that can take solace in knowing she has someone who cares for her, but is afraid that if they spend too much time together one of the parties will fuck up the relationship. i once again find myself drowning here with all but no safety line to rely on. ive never been one to bitch and moan about my problems to others, at least relationship-wise. but i really need to now, but dont have the impartial observer type that i need. so many unwanted feelings, thoughts, and actions are rising to the surface, and they might overtake me this time. this is a pivotal point in my sage, and i have no idea how its going to end. FUCK ME.

Currently Listening The Truth By Bleeding Through Kill to Believe see related

HomeComing

It took four months,
but im finally going home.
Penn State is essentially at my fingertips,
and i really couldnt be more excited,
because it hopefully brings with it the end of guesswork and wondering.
I wont see her till monday likely,
but should be able to distract myself till then,
ill be seeing more then enough people between then and now.
The only problem now is,
what her decision is.
Does she stay with me,
or do i have to move on and recover.
Im feeling like we are "ok",
but is it enough to stay together is the question.
I hope so...
Thats really all i have to say, i mean im excited as fuck to be going back, seeing so many people i havent in months, its gunna be epic.. This year should be godly. i already have a solid friendship base, im used to the rigors of college, i have a great roommate, and should have the most amazing girlfriend.. seriously what can go wrong.. ::knocks on wood:: the only thing is now, not dying on the drive up there. lol.. i cant wait.. PANDA EXPRESS HERE I COME BABY!!!!

Currently Listening Only Inhuman By Sonic Syndicate Aftermath see related

Sabbatical

I recently went on a sabbatical of sorts
Just a complete and total break from technology,
from friends and people i know, but for my family.
While it wasn't necessarily intentional, it was much needed.
As i'm sure you've gathered, if you read this,
I'm not the most sane or stable of individuals.

I struggle through life, dragging from one event to the next.
And sometimes i need a complete break from reality,
Whether it be a mental breakdown, or a journey to a "technology-less place"
I need to either start anew, or rebuild that which once was.
And i cant do that in the surroundings that caused the pain.

The combination of a 56 hour work week, and the stress of a long distance relationship,
mentally and physically destroyed me, i had nothing left.
I was drained, and depressed, having little to give.
As i looked forward to the welcome break of a vacation,
I wondered if this was the last sabbatical,
If either it would be the last id need, or more likely,
The first in a string that don't work.

I've been on my last leg for years now,
it was only a matter of time to i completely broke down.... again.
I recovered once, but with a deeply fractured psyche,
while intellectually i was the same, if not better,
emotionally i was crippled, with little hope of recovery. 
I believe ive progressed, but only to a point.
I still seem to actively try and destroy the good things in my life,
namely important relationships.

The old adage, "out of sight out of mind" holds no bearing for me.
If she is out of my sight, she is constantly on my mind,
and normally not in a good way, as i attempt the sabotage.
I may love this girl, but this separation is like freezing water in the cracks of stone,
slowly but surely tearing me apart.
I know she means to much to me to lose her,
but sadistic fuck that ive become, i still try.

My mind is both held together and torn apart by the same woman,
this beautiful and angelic presence in my life.
Through not fault of her own,
she constantly kills and bring me back to life,
and i saw no way out.
The sabbatical didnt real solve this problem, 
but i think it may have bought me enough time to get back to her.
From there let a whole new plethora of problems evolve,
i dont welcome them, nor do i fear them.

If the trials ive faced to date havent killed me,
or even completely broken me,
I feel confident that i can survive the next round.
Of course i say that now, without knowing whats coming my way.

well now, its become a useful purging to write in here again, who knew it would make a comeback.. see ya again around my next mental weakening or breakdown..

Currently Listening A Different Kind of Pain By Cold Title Track see related

back for some venting. not really creatively, poetry doesnt come very often anymore, at most ill get a few lines. too much effort for a venting tool. so im gunna try another free write train of consciousness kinda thing.

Leaving the Good Things Be

Why can i never be content with what i have?
I always have to question why she's with me,
or if shes about to dump me, or using me.
I'm finally happy again, or at least as close as ive been in a long time,
and yet my insecurities are getting the best of me.
I know why it happens, Ive been screwed over too many times before.
Ive always considered that id been damaged beyond repair,
perhaps i was right.
There is only so much damage a psyche can take,
and i long ago passed the norm.
Ive gotten better at ignoring/hiding my flaws, but they dont leave.
They are surfacing again.
Ive got a chance at happiness with this girl,
genuine happiness, not feigned.
And yet my subconscious is trying to mess it up..
Or is it? i mean really. is it?
is it my insecurities doing this, or her changing, drifting from me after months of separation?
i really hope its me, because ive learned to deal with me.
But if its her? i dunno. not good thats for sure.
Im pretty sure either way though im gunna sabotage this relationship.
and end up hating myself even more.
I was living for the end of summer, but school wont bring much more time together apparently
she lives on the other side of campus, has too many classes, and goes horse riding 20+ hours a week.
I understand these things, but they kill me.
It kills me to be number two or three on her list, cuz i always devote myself to one girl,
putting her at the top.
To put it simply im fucked up, and prolly going to ruin every good thing that ever happens to me.
Shit.

Sooo, that wasnt quite as therapeutic as i was hoping,in fact i think it made things worse. damn. well.. hopefully this weekend goes well.. at least i have linkin park to look forward to if i fuck things up with her... fuck me....... till later, much later prolly.