Wednesday, May 14, 2008
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The Boogeyman Called Abstinence
I have been reading a lot of blogs lately about sex.
When is sex ok? When you get married? When you turn 18? Whenever you feel like it? When you think you're in love?
But I have noticed the moment someone advocates abstinence for any reason, people get up in arms. Both to defend and dismiss the notion.
So my question is this: What is so scary about abstinence?
I went to a really amazing rally when I was 16. Ian and I had been dating several months at the time and had promised each other abstinence. There was a speaker on the very subject, and she said, "People asked me, 'How will you know how to do it when you get married?' and I told them, 'We'll try it once. If we don't get it right we'll try it again. If we still don't get it right, we'll try it again.' People asked, 'How will you know if you click?' I answered, 'If I haven't known anything different, how will I know if we don't? I can't compare, and neither can he, if neither of us has done it before.'"
Ian and I are coming up on our 3 year anniversary in August. We dated for three years before that. I have never once wished that I had sex with someone else. In fact, we did wait until we were married. And it wasn't scary at all.
I wonder, what is the draw to sex? For me, it's the intimacy, the knowledge that he loves me like no one else can or ever will. That we live in that moment for more than ourselves, but for each other and us.
I don't think people who have sex outside of marriage are bad. Not at all. But those same people bemoan getting pregnant, or spreading STD's- and take on the role of the victim. When they knew 100% what the consequences of having sex with multiple partners.
Even outside of morality (admittedly mostly Christian morality) there is so much to recommend abstinence. Even setting aside the emotional aspect of it (as when you let someone that deep inside of you, there is no way you can't leave at least the smallest part of you behind). And even forgetting that if you are with someone who has had multiple partners, you have the worry of comparison. Were you as good as their last? Are they thinking of some other person they've had sex with? Are you comparing?
Pregnancy, which we have no way solid, fool proof way of avoiding. STD's, which are even harder to avoid unless you and your partner have both been tested and you refrain from having sex with anyone else while you are having sex together.
And, honestly, how many people that are proponents of having sex as recreation actually get every partner tested? How can you know for sure they are only having sex with you once you know they are clean? And, if a pregnancy resulted, how ready are both parties to take care of the resulting child. I firmly disagree that abortion should be used as birth control.
Having sex comes with consequences, no matter if you are married or not, STD free or not, male or female. So how can something with such potentially life changing consequences be condoned, even promoted as a casual thing? Or even for those it's not casual for, as a prerequesite for marriage or at least a long term relationship? Shouldn't you have the surety of the relationship first? I propose that if you break up or divorce soley because of sex, your relationship had much deeper problems (such as non-communication).
But I have never heard of a person whom abstinence hurt. That abstinence made their life worse. That someone could die, or be afflicted with a lifelong disease, because they were abstinent. If anyone does have an example, I would love to hear it. Because I have heard story after story of people being hurt by having multiple sexual partners.
So then why is it so abhorrent to wait? Are we really not that different from animals, and we have no ability to have self-control? Have we all gotten so soft and stupid we can find no other way to show affection, to have intimacy, to de-stress?
We can't make anyone abstinent. We can't even say 100% that being abstinent is the only way to be happy, or that any sexual experience outside of marriage is going to be devastating to someone. But it certainly seems to be the more sure option.
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Comments (377)
THANK YOU! Such a great entry, better than I would have written myself. Every time I write a post encouraging abstinence or discussing chastity, I always get a few nasty or at least sarcastic comments. Why are people so scared of abstinence? It's a darn good question.
I think the "draw" is partly biological programming and chemistry, and partly the effect of media hype. Sex sells, so advertisers sell sex to sell products, and glamorize everything out of proportion.
Sex before marriage, or in the early stages of any relationship, is hazardous from a biochemical perspective. Bonding chemicals, oxytocin in particular, are generated, and one easily could end up with an attachment to someone he or she would not otherwise choose to spend a life with.
People pose all sorts of moral, cultural and psychological reasons for the high divorce rate, when it is very easily understood in the light of neuroelectrochemistry and premarital sex. In the absence of long engagements to "cool off" the glow of initial physical attraction, incompatible couples don't have time to realize that this person is not an ideal life partner before they have forged that chemical bond. They don't realize their mistake until the neuroelectrochemistry cycles into what in a compatible partnership will be a lifetime attachment.
Helen Fisher, MD, in Why We Love, the nature and chemistry of romantic love, recommends not having sex with someone until you are certain you want to spend your life with him or her. She teaches college students, and tells her classes the same thing, not from a moral perspective, but from a scientific one.
Well said. ~ L
I am saving myself for my future husband. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one... Thanks for writing this!
I sweetheart-I am way late in getting around to read blogs-even yours. I see you hit on a very timely subject. Honestly, I don't think anyone is afraid of it, I think they can't/won't/don't want to be bothered with self discipline in any form these days, esp, sexual. Look at all the stuff on myspace and they way people dress. It's scary and it's downright lazy. I'm not sure its going to change anytime soon either.
I am proud of you. I love you too :)(((hugs)))
Awesome post! I've always been curious about those who have abstained and how it has helped their relationship. Thanks for posting!
I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately, I broke my promise to myself and did not wait until marriage. It is my greatest regret.
As someone who had sex before marriage, however, I can promise that it is infinitely better inside of marriage than out.
Wow! Amen to that. I totally agree with you and couldn't have said it better myself.
Sex before marriage was one thing I wasn't going to do. I KNEW that it was something special for a husband and wife to share. I felt this at 16, at 18, at 21, at 23, at 27 well... then I felt I was getting old, and scared that I'd never get married. I gave away my virginity at the age of 28 to a man I met on the internet who I was SURE was the one.... I never saw him after that day. 6 weeks later I met my (now) husband. I regretted it so much, but could not go back and change it. I'm happy for you that you stuck to your beliefs.
Here here! 100% with you on this. I've heard people say abstenince is "irresponsible" (not kidding) but there are other ways to see if you "click." And like you said, if it's just all about the sex, you are having major issues anyway. Well said, Jeni!
Nice entry, well worded and thought out. I waited until marriage, and it was a good thing.
Like your butterfly background.
Abstinence is not that hard. I'm married, and my husband and I practice Natural Family Planning, which requires at least five days of abstinence per ovulation cycle if the couple wishes to avoid conception. We've found that even abstinence in marriage can be a positive thing.
wow. that was great.
Fantastic. I'm right there with you. :)
There is nothing to disagree with about abstinence.
as a teenger who is definitely not a virgin, though, i can see why so many people are not willing to save themselves- because sex can be used as an expression of emotion and of attatchment. so while i agree that abstinence is the safer way to go, i have to advocate for sex in the raw physical beauty that you get to experience.
im not saying sleep around with everyone you know, but more that if theres someone you really care about- and in my tender age i shudder to say love- then maybe getting closer isn't such a bad thing.
I for one am not against abstinence even though I do not practice it. (of course I don't have tons and tons of partners or anything like that) The only thing I am against is the teaching of abstinence only in high schools. As you said it isn't every persons choice so I do think that more people need to be educated on safe sex practices because even while married someone may want to wait to have children. Plus there is a bunch of evidence supporting its failure. I also believe that more people need to take responsibility for their actions, abortion isn't a sucker you no longer want, babies shouldn't be thrown away. Thanks for being open and honest and displaying this. People need positives from both sides
When is sex OK? I think when there is clear communication on both sides -- why you are having the sex, what your expectations are, what it means in terms of your relationship. I think it is hard to do all of that after meeting in one or two nights, because one side or another will think that it means more or less, or have different thoughts regarding safety. I think it is true that only by getting to know someone does that communication come along. For some people the sex is part of getting to know that person. I am not one of those people -- I think I see both sides of the issue, frankly.
@saraplaintall - I'm not sure why people correlate promoting abstinence with not educating people about sex. Just because I think people should save themselves doesn't mean I don't think we should educate people. Of course we should.
"Plus there is a bunch of evidence supporting it's failure." I assume you mean abstinence being a failure. Either way, I'd love to hear/read some of this evidence. Please point me in the direction of it, I'm really interested to see where abstinence was a failure.
Wow saw this on the frontpage! Congrats on being Featured! Wonderful, it's a great entry and it's definitely something more people should really think about.
Nice Weblog!!!!!
While I agree with you, I like playing devil's advocate (also I like anecdotal evidence), so here's this:
A young woman my mom works with ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown, and the psychologists said it was due to her wanting to have sex (biological drives or whatever) so badly, but having been brought up within a religious standpoint that told her she was a bad person if she did. So, while I think there are a lot of other factors at work there, it's at least interesting to think about.
I think we're so pressured into the physical aspect of the relationship, that the emotional aspect is diluted. I absolutely agree with you, and it's great to hear how it's helped you and Ian stay together. Congrats on the three years!