Every so often I like to give back to the people. In the past, I
have participated in mission retreats, helped built schools, and worked
with different programs to better the community. Today, I saw yet
another need in the community, however, no one was willing to step up
to the plate. This learning experience could aid and educate
multiple ER residents if only there were someone brave enough to
embrace this learning experience.
The TAZER gun.
That's right. As a dull hush fell over the semi-stunned looks on
all of the ER residents faces, we collectively waited as the police
officer asked for a volunteer to be tazed. He had just finished
educating us on how effective this technique was. He shoots a
criminal or ER resident with 2 darts from a gun traveling 300
feet/second. About 50,000 volts
of electricity (but only .36 amps) then courses through the body for 5
seconds. This completely incapacitates you. The two
barbed needles then sticks into your back, then zaps (causing muscles
to constrict 19 times per second) continuously till you fall to the
ground.
Sounds like an
effective means to prevent a perpetrator from escaping to me. It also could be effective to keep a
drunken idiot from attacking you. Heck, it could even prove to other ER residents
that yes, you can be smart and an absolute idiot at the same time.
The officer asked for someone to try it. <pause>
So as
the police officer patiently waited,
everyone else started becoming more and more jumpy. <long
pause> Others started calling out names, but nobody stepped
forward. We had all come to see some stupid moron get zapped, so
the rest of us could laugh at him/her and then later ask him/her what
it was like. <another long pause> Suddenly it dawned
on us that all of the preparation and excitement about seeing someone
getting the Bajimineez zapped out of them (named after Samuel Franklin
Bajimineez, the inventor of the first electric chair) might not come to
fruition.
There comes a time in every humans life that things come down to 2
choices. It's either a yes or a no. Do I want a third
portion of pie, or am I going to stay on my current diet of only having
2 pieces. Call a cab after drinking at the bar, or do I feel
comfortable driving home. Sometimes, these decisions, right or
wrong, black or white, define who and what we are for the rest of our
lives. Making one simple decision, at the right time, in the
right circumstances can change us forever. This, however, was not
one of those times.
"Sure, I'll do it," I said, surprising most people, and mostly myself as I walked towards the officer.
I saw as I walked over that Tim Brown, another 2nd year resident
already had his shirt off and (I believe) was about to volunteer.
I tried to compel him that he was much more qualified for such an
undertaking, but he quickly aided me to the right spot so I could be
adequately tazed.
Right before I got shot, for some reason I thought back to the resident
video of a few years back. This showed several residents getting
tazed and it looked quite painful. I remembered Hoosh getting
shot and saying "What was I thinking!" afterwards and everyone
laughed. Hahaha! Oh Hoosh! I even got to the point
that I should try and extemporaneously come up with something witty to
say after I got shot. You know, something like:
"One point twenty-one Gigawatts! (from Back to the Future)" or
"Man,
that was nothing, I could hardly feel
it"
or
"heheheh, that Tickles (like Tickle Me Elmo).
So, I took my nice shirt off, and the officer aimed the tazer which
shoots 2 darts connected to wiring to zap me to kingdom come and he
asked.
"Are you ready?"
I responded, "I guess so, I think-"
And then I was arching my back, pain coursing from my shoulder to my
back, unable to move or breath for what felt like 30 seconds. It
actually only lasted 5 seconds, but wow does that feel like a long time
when you can move, or breath, or react, all you can do is feel
pain. Two resident were there to catch me since when tazed most
people fall instantly to the ground since they are unable to
move. Pain! Pain, pain pain! While this happened I
yelled "nang-nang-nang-nang-nang-nang-nang" and I couldn't stop.
When the pain stopped everyone was laughing and oh boy what an
event. The time had come for my classic one liner...
"F***!" I said.
Hmm, that didn't quite come out as I had planned. I actually
don't remember my F-bomb, but others did. Ah well, nothing like
being in the moment and cursing in front of your program
director. Then everyone wanted to know "what it was like."
To which I responded it was the best Swedish massage I'd ever
received. I mean, I've felt good before, but this was just
slightly sub-orgasmic. The cool thing was that right after it was
over the pain was gone. Well, that was until they came over and
hand to yank out the barbs that were still in my skin. I really
didn't mind that so much, considering I was still feeling zappy from
the TAZER.
One of the girls in our residency is doing a research project on
TAZERs, and then asked if I'd do it for her project. Smooth and
confident as always, I put on my most confident nonchalante grin and
answered "are you insane?! NO!"
Other than the on the spot decision to get 50,000 volts, not much
new. Oh, I do have to mention that, though I love Cory like a
brother, I'm afraid I will have to end his life for getting me back
into Nerd. By Nerd I mean Magic the Gathering (MTG). MTG is
a card game with multiple unique cards that you build you own deck
from. Simple, but addictive as crack. I had actually
kicked the habit, and now, thanks to Cory, I have started anew with
online MTG. Thanks Cory, you prick. He also gave me the
book I'm listening to in my car (ironically, about both Poker and
Magic: The Gathering).
The pic (if it works) is the 2 barbs taken on my bloodied T-shirt after the zapping. Weee!
"Yeah, do that, do exactly that!"
Comments (4)
So....funny....
Surprised? The only thing I'm surprised about is that you've managed to live this long without being shot by a Tazer.
Oh wow, that is insane....crap!
wish i was there. this is too funny.