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Thursday, August 07, 2008

I'm not much of a poet, but I found this in an exercise book and I quite liked it (which is more than I can say for most of the stuff I write).

Soft, silky sand draws gently at

My being, my thoughts, my cares

Sink as water upon blotting paper.

Warm, loving sun-embrace

And all-encompassing silence;

I surrender,

Let me be absorbed.

No more,

No more than the distant must of camel

Or the whisper of desert grass.

I surrender,

Let the sand take me,

Let the chill wind scatter my name

Amongst the stars.

I reckon that my poem needs a title. Suggestions anyone?

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Oh haha, God, very funny! When I asked to be challenged, I wasn't exactly thinking of leaving me to play housewife for a month!

Monday, July 14, 2008

be careful what you pray for/are you ready for what you've demanded

Reading back over my diary last Friday evening (or perhaps it was more like early Saturday morning) I came across something that bothered me. My spiritual life, if plotted against a godliness/time graph would look like the motion/time graph of some oscillating particle or a transverse wave. This isn't great since surely our spiritual lives should ideal follow a more exponential growth over time. So the overall progression should look more like the graph of e^xthan anything else.

(I'm not going to paste a graph of e^xhere because that would verge upon plain nerdy, which is not the thing I'm trying to emphasise here. But those of you who have no idea what the graph looks like and would like to find out, please feel free to google it).

It hit my that my spiritual 'peaks' always occurred during tough times, the times when I was almost crying myself to sleep or considering giving up. Those were the moments when I relied on God most and when the Truth (BIG capitol T) hit me (again). The fact is, nothing matters. My priority is what God wants of me, and what God wants of me primarily is not to hand in that essay on time or to pass the IB or worry about whether my friend's boyfriend is cheating on her... they say your time is the most precious thing you can give someone. God wanted me to spend time with him. His only expectation is for me to love him and to act/live in response to love.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

If I weep when you fall down, how much more weeping will there be in heaven? How am I to carry on when those around me are falling down, falling away, walking away. What am I to do?

Sunday, April 27, 2008

feeling lost

I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment. It's almost stupid really.

When I'm not worrying about myself, I always find that I begin to worry about other people. Recently, I've found myself doing a lot of the latter thing. A LOT A LOT. The reason why I feel that my worrying is somewhat stupid is because most of the time I've no control over the things I worry about, especially when the object of my worries is other people! I can't change those around me, I can only slightly influence them, but most of the time, I struggle to barely do even that.
What then am I supposed to do when those people whom I lean on fall down? How am I suppose to minister to a brother/sister who are losing/lost their way?

I sit up at night replying over and over again that night when my friend questioned me at St Catherine's monastery. I cry every time when the thought that a brother or sister might one day become like her - bitter and angry at those who still hold onto to their faith in Christ. How do am I to face them on judgement day? I'm sorry I failed you..? I'm sorry I didn't catch you when you fell...?

I sit up at night praying for you. Yet prayer doesn't seem to be enough. Am I supposed to be DOING something more?
God, surely you won't let then down even if I do?

I know I'm not perfect. I too struggle with spiritual growth and suffer from bad days. But then I look around me and see all those who also suffer and fall down next to me, but can't/don't find the faith to stand up again. What can I say to help? What can I DO to help? I've always been blessed to have God give me some solution or someone to tell me the right things. I don't feel that I can say the right things to you, yet that passage from Hebrews stills haunts me everytime I think of you. What can I say? What can I do to stop you from falling? I pray for you. I must trust that God has the strength to hold you up, since I am unable.