Thursday, July 05, 2007
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Scenery
Currently Listening
Loser
By Beck
see relatedOriginally posted August 16, 2005
I believe there are some things that are constant. These things transcend race, culture, language, and nationality. They are the fundamental things coded into our personalities, perhaps even into our very beings, that seperate us and mark differences more fundamental than simply black or white, male or female.
You first encounter these things in school.
Remember the cliques? Remember how hard you tried so hard to blend in - so that you could be accepted as an individual? How did that work out for you?
I remember that my school was a bit different than other schools. I went to a Catholic all girl high school. In my school, the honors class was full of confident, pretty, popular girls. But even in my school, there was an unspoken strata. Indeed, there too were jocks, popular kids, nerds, geeks, freaks.
I think it's pretty clear by now that I was no prom queen. I was in my high school honors class, but I don't think I was quite smart enough to be a nerd. One of my best friends, who I'll call "Olivia", graduated almost at the top of our class. Smartest girl I ever met; to her I'd give the title of "nerd". Trust me, for the group of misfits I belong to, well we don't consider that a bad thing. I loved playing basketball with my friends but definitely wasn't a "jock", and not making first cut at volleyball, plus almost failing gym in my senior year, cemented that one. I wasn't a "freak". I didn't smoke pot, dye my hair black, wear leather jackets, listen to indie rock music, or go goth, none of the freak conventions. At least I think those were the freak conventions. Who knows? I didn't hang out with that crowd. I was too wholesome and squeaky clean.Oh well. Those kids freaked me out anyway. I guess I was kind of a geek, a loner, a "nobody"... when "Loser" came out my freshman year inhigh school, I had found my anthem...
I had hated grade school. It was an isolating, miserable experience in which I frequently attempted to defy the laws of physics and be totally invisible. The implicit rejection of most of my classmates made that a very easy task. I was so happy to get to high school. I thought that I'd finally find the group I was meant to hang out with and maybe even be the leader of. You know, finally be someone at school.Make a mark that would have people 25 years hence huddling around me at the high school reunion hugging me and saying what a great influence I had on their lives and wasn't high school so much fun? Yeah. Right. I was the same awkward dope from grade school who was too shy to hold anyone's attention for long. Only this time, the pool was bigger. That's OK. It was there I found that group of chums I'm proud to call my friends. But for the kind of kid who even uses the word "chums"...well let's just say I can count those friends on one hand. Half of a hand. Couple of fingers. And I never made those waves in high school. Instead of getting lead in the drama club plays, I'd be one of the understudies, or one of the background chorus. I was scenery.
And all this without the pressure of boys.
Sometimes I wonder if these high school designations are coded into our beings, as things that never quite go away no matter how successful we become or how much we change. I recently graduated school (graduate level) -trust me, it was all there. It was as if people knew who they'd have been talking to 10 years ago and who they'd have been ignoring. Almost 10 years have passed, I have two more degrees and a lot more perspective, but I am still the geek I was in high school. Scenery I continue to be.
Do these things ever go away?
It is a truth of the human condition that we are beings that strive to be more than we are. I think that for a long time, even before "The 90's", I've wanted to be someone special even apart from that tiny ragtag group of introverted goofs I used to belong to. Something better than what I am. Is it possible for scenery to be the main act?
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Comments (17)
I loved high school because of the social scene. It was just the best place to meet people and have a good time. I will agree with you that graduate school is probably no different than high school socially. Except for me during graduate school, I was married. It seemed to me that the same skills that made friends in high school were the same skills that made friends in graduate school. I never worried about cliques. I have always moved easily into any group that I wanted. However, I never felt I was apart of one particular group. I never thought I was in a clique. I am inclusive. I always have been.
You are special. I always look to see what you have written in response to my post. I also enjoy reading your post. You think before you write which is a rare quality around here. I notice when you haven't written for awhile.
Well, I am back after a few days of vacation from Xanga, due to the recent passing of my daughters step mom. I thought, I would make my rounds today and say hello to my fellow subscribers and to wish you all well and just to say a friendly hello!
Janice
Actually, LOL.. I had to come back and tell you that 40 years ago the land was not taken from the Palestinians, it was taken from Egypt to use as a buffer zone in order to further protect Israel from further terrorist attacks from arabs. This time the land is being given to the palestinians in order for the Palestinians to establish their own seperate State. Egypt never asked for Gaza back because it dates back to ancient BC when the land was given to the jewish by God. moving forward in time later the jews were cast off from there land and put into slavery and in those ancient times the land became gobbled up by other nations of power. Then move foward further in time the land was given back to the jewish by the UN, but not all of it. Thus, then israel decided to take Gaza back and they really needed that buffer zone. Anyway, I don't know if giving up land will bring peace I doubt it, but at least by giving something to the arabs in the region it was a gesture of peace by Israel and let's see if the future holds peace or if the arabs will want more. Only time will tell. you can get further information on the time line of events which lead up to this conflict at t his following website ------Summary of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict - Israeli-Palestinian ProCon.org or http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?user=squeakysoul&tab=weblogs&uid=328441988 .... gives a whole introduction to the conflict, the pros and cons from both sides. AND no im not jewish, I am just a huge History Buff and this is one subject I studied closely.
Janice
i used to keep a constant 5 oclock shadow, thanks to my beard trimmer, because that's i look best...generally.
but over the past year i've realized that every young lady that i've ever been really attracted to, physically and emotionally, has been a beard lover.
Here's to beards!
Oh im not feeling rather squeaky t oday with my soul, but rather frisky indeed! WIth no real seriousness invloved in this comment, I so adore Orlando Bloom. it is not that I think of him as a Idol, or even if I think he is a good person, could I do not know! I just think he is sexy hot and he makes me have a feeling of pure delight! SHazam, I feel better getting that off my chest! So, my day has been very uneventful and I have not accomplished anything! We'll I take that back, I did work on a a new layout, but when is that anytthing new right? SO, I guess what I want to say is, I love this site and I hope you have a great weekend, and I can't wait till your next post!
Toodles, Ciao, Bye, and Shalom (peace)
Janice
In answer to the question you posed think these things do go away once you find a group of similar minded people you feel comfortable with and allow you to be yourself.
It is interesting to read this again and even read my old answer. Man, have we been on xanga for awhile or what?
The adult world is cruel. You spend your childhood being told that you are special and unique and that you can be whatever you want to be and that your own, personal experience matters. Then you grow up and, unless you are one of those astonishing larger-than-life types, you realize that you're ordinary just like everybody else.
I mean, I'm sitting here in my cube, listening to my coworkers yammer on endlessly about Britney and Paris, and I'm thinking: please don't let that be me once I've given up. At least let me be nasty and bitter about it, and not all bovine serenity.
Cheers,
Maggie
i used to keep a constant 5 oclock shadow, thanks to my beard trimmer, because that's i look best...generally.
but over the past year i've realized that every young lady that i've ever been really attracted to, physically and emotionally, has been a beard lover.
Here's to beards!
8/17/2005 10:49 PM
HunterStewart
....Greek? No, just kidding.