well then, it's been a while

my last month, in the best way i can put it:

I've lost 10 lbs overall since may.
I got to be in a wedding & i loved all the primping & people I met.
...& the wedding. it made me anxious for my own someday.
I went to a bar at the aforementioned wedding & did actually consume alcohol (not much though people).
I left my teen years & entered my twenties in brilliant fashion with wonderful people.
I passed my first NYS teachers certification exam.
I cut & donated 11 inches of my hair (& have many days recently where I miss it)

...& i'm going back to school in 5 days.
...& i'm not terribly excited.

I guess I should be. or try to be. My "how to stop worrying" book is very big on positive thinking, choosing how you think & feel about life & your reactions to it. so i'm trying. my mindset consists of mostly me saying "emily, this is really only 4 months of your entire life, you're going to make it." that actually helps.

now that i came off sounding as though i'm negative (like i have been a lot as of recent), in actuality, i'm very much enjoying life. I have such vigor, & very much want to continue my running/good eating habits. I want to live fully, hopefully, & thankfully, instead of belittling, worryful, & ungrateful.

gosh I hope this all stays...

in other news, I'm seriously giving up on you. how much more obvious could I be? & then you go & completely pull back, not only once, but twice...
...so why should i even try or care?

oh yes, & that wasn't a very smart way for me to start my twenties.

then there's you, & I hate how you tell me (daily) how much you miss me & even love me & how you want me there, etc, etc., & you really dont know how hard it is. I hate being the one (for once) whos willing to jump, to take the plunge, to take a chance, & very positively not thinking it will affect the way things are if it goes wrong. Am I being naive? I understand your past, but you already know I'm different than it, than them, so if I'm so different, why wouldnt it be different? I love that we're two independent ppl & would never completely rely or "possess" the other; is that hard for you to deal with? I feel almost like I'm standing here throwing my heart out & you see it & cant catch it because you're...afraid? of...something? Oh and, & maybe this is mean, I feel as though you want to be able to do whatever the hell you feel like because you know when you screw up, or after having 10 more g/f's, you'll come crawling to me, & then realize you want me. & not that I won't still want you, but it will be even harder. ohh, that sounded so harsh; I didn't mean it too, I guess this is just how i feel...

God, let me finish out this week strong, & help prepare me physically, mentally, & emotionally for the weekend/week/semester ahead. I really need you still, despite having gone off your path as of recent. Let me cast my yokes to you; "if he brings you to it, he'll bring you through it"

I am hopeful for July.