Friday, February 08, 2008
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STRANGE TWIST
Currently Reading
90 Minutes in Heaven: A True Story of Death & Life
By Don Piper, Cecil Murphey
see relatedYesterday I didn't find out anything I didn't already know, but the doctor did put a label on it. He said Moma is suffering from a terminal condition known as Failure to Thrive, which basically means she has decided she is tired of trying to live and willing her body to begin the dying process. He said if we can somehow get her focus off of dying, and get her back up and doing and eating she could live several more years with her current health problems. The strangest thing about all this is that now that Moma has decided she is dying, her spirits and moods are much more pleasant. She has not been hateful or suspicious even once. In fact, the last two days she has made it a point to affirm me, but her subject of choice is still death. The past several days she hasn't been sleeping so much either. Don't know if that will become a trend or not, but this is the most alert she has been since we had chili in the family room with my brother weekend before last.
As for me, I continue to waffle back and forth between being just fine and wishing I could run away from home. Only problems is I have no idea where I'd run to! Some days I am perfectly at peace and feel like I can tackle the world, and others I'm not even sure who I am! I think that is all directly related to how much sleep I get the night before. This morning I feel pretty cheery, mostly because I took half sleeping pill the last two nights and even went back to bed for a bit yesterday morning. I keep reminding myself that the joy of the Lord is my strength.
Many of you keep telling me to "take time for myself." This is easier said than done. I feel so distracted most days that my concentration level is very poor. So far me time consists of trips to the gym and the unhurried way I tend to get showered and dressed most days. It is not unusual for me to take 1-2 hours to get finished. Yesterday I chose to skip the gym and piddle on my makeup and hair instead before heading to the doctor's office.Now I need to work on a detailed advance directive I need to submit to the director of nursing about what Moma does and does not want when the end does come. Maybe once that is done, I'll be allowed to focus on something besides Moma dying for awhile. Wouldn't that be nice...
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Comments (9)
I can relate so much to what you are going through. The status of our mothers is somewhat different, but the time, the lack of sleep, lack of concentration on other things are similar. I, too, have a problem when people tell me to take time for me. For instance, someone told me just the other day that I need to keep quilting - I wanted to yell at her and ask her which minute of which day did she think I could possibly get to the sewing machine! Besides, my sewing room has now become a storage room for all of my mother's stuff that we are about to move - as she is in between independent living and an assisted living facility. So, I can barely see the sewing machine!
I am praying for you!
It's hard when our elderly loved one is ready and wanting to die and we want them to live on... I'm glad her mood is better though - that is something right?
Sounds like you need RayRay Fix! haha maybe some silly string? maybe a walk through that Garden place we went to? Maybe just sitting and talking face to face? Wish I could be there now...
Isn't it good how we CAN run away every day... into the arms of our Loving Father God. I pray as you run to Him today you find that perfect joy and peace and grace for the day.
Love you Twinkie!
~RayRay
@rayray714a - Couldn't hurt!
Hope you are able to enjoy your birthday.
I am just about to start reading 90 minutes in Heaven. My aunt told me about it.
Ken is being moody. It is best if I just stay away from him. He has a lot on his mind.
Take one day at a time. Hope you can find something to keep mama busy.
Hug her for us.
Love D
When you get bored and are looking for something to do ....you can change my layout. Maybe something for St. Patrick's Day.
Anything. Thanks.
My grandmother is sort of in the same situation. Women in my family live a really long time. I don't know if she's willing herself to death, but I know that she's praying for it.
I hope that she gets better, soon.
I am so sorry that you are going through this tough time. I went through the same thing in 2004 with both my parents. My mom had surgery for lung cancer in June of 04 and then in Sept. of the same year my dad was diagnosed with end stage renal failure. At that time I was working a 7 day on/7 day off shift. On my 7 off, I would drive 3 hours to my parents and spend the week taking Mom to chemo and radiation and Dad to dialysis. This went on for 3 years. I still had a daughter at home (in college). And a husband (that wasn't getting any attention)! Not to mention my oldest daughter that was going through some horrible trials of her own. And....my beautiful grandchildren. I thought that I was going to lose my mind. Your are right....What time for yourself!!! Finally though, in early spring of 2004 my mom decided that she wanted to go be with Jesus. She would lay awake at night and pray "Come get me Jesus", she stopped eating and basically gave up! She passed away on Memorial Day of that year. With Mom gone, Daddy didn't feel like he had a reason to live either. He would take his dialysis treatments, but that was all that he would do. He seemed to do everything else that he was not supposed to do. Such as, eat too much salt, drink to many fluids, etc. He went to be with Mama two days before Christmas that same year. For the most part of two years after that I didn't know what to do with myself. I had been so used to taking care of them. I miss them both so much, even now. But I know that when they were satisfied with the life they had lived, they were ready to go home to heaven. I firmly believe that God will give us as long a life as we are satisfied with. My Dad's mother lived to be 102 years old, that was what satisfied her! I am praying for you and your mother. I hope that I didn't discourage you in any way. I still wish that my parents were here with me. I know that's kinda selfish, especially when I think of how much better off that they are in heaven. But, May the Lord's will be done.
Prayerfully,
Angie
Oh, I totally can related to the shower thing. I'm lucky some days to be done in a couple of hours!
I'm sorry about what you have to go through with your mother. Just remember that the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle. That often comforts me whenever I am stressed.
Nicole