Sunday, March 16, 2008
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SUNDAY SOLO
Feeling out of sorts again today. For so long every waking thought, every decision I made, has been centered on Moma and how it would effect her. I'm feeling lost. I still haven't figured out what to do with myself minus the responsibility.
I can still close my eyes and bring our last conversation to mind... hear her voice. I find myself wondering how long it will be until I don't remember what her voice sounds like anymore, yet hoping that day never comes.
I'm desparately trying to hold onto the good; God has answered so many prayers this past year. I asked the Lord to let me keep her for one last Christmas and He did. I prayed for a birthday serenade in her squeaky soprano to hold onto and He gave me that. For years I asked that He take Moma home before she forgot who I was and He did that too. I prayed for my son to be able to introduce her to his sweetie and He gave me that. And when she got really, really weak I asked that He take her quickly so she wouldn't die on my brother's birthday and He did that too.
Nonetheless, it's hubby's weekend to work and I'm dreading going to church alone. I hate doing that! But I think staying home alone all day would be worse so.... I'm resisting the urge to go back to bed and going. Hopefully this week everyone won't make me cry. I think I'll wear waterproof mascara just in case.
Lord help me to focus on You today instead of my loss.
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Comments (12)
My prayers and love are with you. My mom passed 3 years ago on March 21st. I can totally understand what you're going thru. Going to Church is the best thing to do, as hard as it is. I find I try and hold on to only the good about my mom. All the wonderful memories we made together. When I let myself experience the sadness and guilt it only brings me down. I stop myself and say to myself, my mom is at peace and she only wants me to be happy and think about all the wonderful times we had. Like you, I spent so much time with my mom and God gave me this gift. Sorry for rambling, but I just wanted to share my experiences with you. It's hard, very hard. It's till surreal to me that my mom, who was such a huge part of my life is not here with me. We were so close. Many, many blessings and may the Lord comfort you. Jill
Praying with you through this difficult time, I am so sorry for your loss. God Bless You!
It is ok to cry . I cry at the silliest things. Last night we watched the video of the funeral with Bob and Jean. He was the Santa in the picture with moma. It was the first time we had watched it. Made us feel good and yes we did cry a little.
I hope things go smooth with the finances. I think we could all use them. to get out of the slump.
Ken did yard work yesterday and is in slow mode today. He took Tyler to the base to see some old planes, cars and motorcycles. They needed some one on one time.
Darrell is supposed to be making chicken and dumplings and an apple cake for my friend who had surgery but he didn't come home last night.
Got to go get my shower and head out to church. I will be thinking about you and hope you do ok. I think you will.
Have a good day!
i lost my mother in 1994 - but even after all these years, i can still remember our last conversation, how she looked, the sound of her voice, the smell of her lotion, how we talked and laughed - you will never forget these things but with time, these memories will not bring sadness or sorrow, just comfort and you will find yourself drifting back to them in times when you need comforting - focus today on the blessings your moma gave you, what a wonderful daughter and woman she raised you to be, how she cared about you and cared for you - find strength and peace in those memories - but if you're not ready to do that today, that's okay too - just be patient with yourself and ask God to hold you in His hands during this difficult time.
It just takes some time... and I think with each passing week, you'll find the pain of loss lessening and lessening. I don't think you'll ever forget your mom's voice.
It is true though that you are in a whole new mode... as you seek the Lord I pray He shows you how to fill that void. For now keep resting and relaxing and finding the Susan that was beneath the Caregiver for all those years. and travel!!!! haha
Hugs to you!
Your willingness to share your heart has always blessed me dear Susan.
You have taught me so much about loving family, and because of your influence
and God working on my pride, I'm much more loving to my own mom (she really likes it too)
You are in my prayers
Awe sweetie! You won't ever forget your momma's voice! Give yourself time. Seek God when you hurt and cry out to Him! He loves you so much....after all you are His Princess! I wish I was there to give you a big hug, have a good giggle break together and have some good ole fun! Let's pretend, ok? I love you girlfriend!
(((Hugs))) Praying that the Lord would comfort you and hold you tight in the palm of HIS hands. May HE ease your grief and give you direction and focus. This season of mourning is but for a time -- HE will bring rejoicing to you again.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) I am so glad she had you to give her so much love and comfort. When I visit nursing homes where the residents have no one to visit them, I am glad that you were able to be there for her. I pray a peace that passes all understanding for you, and I want to say that it is but a moment when we will be joined with our loved ones, but for us down here on earth that can sometiems feel like an eternity.
Heather
I remember my mother telling me stories like hearing the screen door opening and the sound of her mother's voice calling her, or her being out in the yard and him speaking to her. I still recall my last conversation with my mother and even my daddy and how the sound of their voice is still fresh in my memory. I guess it is one of God's little gifts to us. Hard to imagine, but the 20th annv of my mother's homegoing is close. It has been a lifetime ago for my boys, literally. Each Easter, no matter when it is, always reminds me of how special she was to God because he allowed her to go home on Easter Sunday. How wonderful for the Christian who served him so faithfully. You will have these moments when a small something will rattle you while something you THINK will effect you will give you a sense of calm.
I can hardly wait to see you. Got some furniture Sat so we can sit on the porch and drink our tea!!!
I just re-read my comment, it is her dad out in the yard with her. I did learn a few things in English and she, her would apply to her mom, while he, his would be her dad!!!!!!! lol